Oh God. I have butterflies in my stomach, churning anxiety. It’s been building for weeks and now this business of my son and the blog has brought it to a head. It’s fed into all the shame and guilt that’s native to the depressive state.

If only he had explained to me before what was troubling him. I’ve righted the wrongs as far as I can by removing all mention of his name going right back to 2007, and also removing my email address, which contains my full name. But I’m still beating up on myself for not keeping strict anonymity before. How could I be so stupid, naive, negligent etc. I know it was a mistake, and just hope that I can forgive myself and be forgiven by him in time.

The absolute last thing I ever wanted was to hurt my boy in any way. When I started out, on Blogspot, I didn’t seem to have many readers, and few comments. I guess it lulled me into a false sense of security. I regarded the blog almost as a private diary, and a way of keeping track of my moods and how I was doing when I withdrew from psych meds.

It’s different now. I have far more sense of the blog as a public space. Hence I have been more careful about using his name and have been referring to him as J, but occasionally it did slip out. But I neglected to pay attention to the earlier entries. Not to speak of the times where I’ve been manic and hence more indiscreet about details of my life generally (though not especially concerning him). At the end of the day this blog has never been geared towards members of my family reading it, let alone my son.

I am also anxious about a hospital appointment I’ve got this afternoon. It’s a gynae check. Anxious about living. Equally anxious about dying.

I feel agonised and very depressed about things at the moment. Self-esteem in tatters. How many more times do I have to be stretched on the rack of manic depression. What, in the end, is the meaning of it? Meaning and significance looms so large in the ‘high’ phase. Then you come crashing back down and you search in vain for the point of anything.

Horrible.