Hi there. Depression has properly bottomed out now and got about as bad as it gets. What does this mean for me? I wake up full of fear, dread and loathing at the thought of the day ahead. However, for me personally, there is absolutely no point in staying in bed. That will make matters far worse, as my brain will just go into overdrive while my body stays immobile. Maybe it’s because I’m a morning person.
Once up things improve a little. My brain is sluggish. I am bereft of ideas and inspiration. Right now I could do with some, as I need to put some structure and routine activity back into my life. I want the comfort of knowing I have done something productive with my day.
A well-meaning worker yesterday began talking to me about CBT. Do I interrogate my negative thoughts for evidence of their accuracy? No I sodding well don’t. I haven’t the energy. The tracks of depressive thinking are so well-worn. I am sceptical about the efficacy of these techniques for the kind of mood disorder that I have. Last time I tried CBT I was simply too depressed and distraught to engage with assignments and so on.
I can’t see colours. I could tell you what they are, but my senses are so deadened I can’t enjoy their vibrancy as I normally do.
I’ve had a lot of anxiety piled on the depression of late. Especially concerning my son, as previously documented. Now I’ve calmed down a bit.
However on the plus side I have started reading books again. I even watched three TV programmes on the trot last night. A rare thing these days. One was a fantastic documentary about a Japanese couple by a British man, in the ‘Hidden Japan’ series on BBC4. They were a part of Japan’s new underclass of ‘working poor’. It came to light that for the many casualties of Japan’s uniquely conformist, all-encompassing and sometimes bullying working culture, there are very few services to support their psychological well-being. We are luckier in this country than we sometimes think. I was very absorbed by this programme, losing myself and my mental anguish for the duration of a few hours.
During my depressive days it is best to get out and engage in some reasonably low-level activity along with others, if possible. Yesterday, after meeting with my Care Coordinator in a local cafe I went to my DRA meeting in central London and went for coffee afterward with four others.
Then I attended a singing class in the evening at the day centre. I have pretty much never been to this before although it’s been running for years. It was actually rather good. The teacher is passionate about singing and music, and their therapeutic possibilities: she’s also a great singer, and she writes songs. We sang some uplifting standards, like ‘Lean On Me’, and ‘What A Wonderful World’ by Sam Cooke. That probably sounds cheesy as hell. But it wasn’t. I will definitely go back.
Evenings, and most especially, nights, are what I look forward to when I am depressed. My mood tends to lift. I am blessed with good, sound sleeping patterns and not being an insomniac. So I know I have the ‘little death’ to look forward to where I can dream of better things and just be oblivious for those few precious hours.
The new washing machine was delivered today and I have already put it through its paces. I go on retreat at the weekend at Pleshey, a small village near Chelmsford.
Lots of love, Zoe xxx
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March 31, 2009 at 11:46 am
cbtish
“No I sodding well don’t.” And it would be sodding well pointless if you did.
CBT is about identifying and dealing with the thoughts that trigger your depression, not about the thoughts that you have when you are already depressed. I share your scepticism about that kind of DIY CBT.
March 31, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Sir Bob
Hang in there Zoe, you know it will pass – just say that to yourself, I know it’s easy to say, but have faith – we have in you.
Funny you should mention that ‘hidden Japan’ documentary – one of my work colleagues was telling me about it as well this morning – he said that whilst they worked hard, they were relatively affluent by some standards, but not by Japanese ones – guess they are just like all the ‘free’ world – certain groups gte richer whilst a significant proportion get poorer or have nothing – anyway I’m going to have a look for it and download it. BBC Four has some gems. Myself, I watched Dispatches about bad Boris last night lol.
I’ve wandered off again.
When I’m depressed or want to take my mind off things – I start building or tinkering with computers – are there any hobbies you can immerse yourself in while you are in this phase (how about writing or something as I’ve mentioned before).
Hope you are feeling a bit better tonight. Take Care.
Sir Bob (Not Sir Fred ha ha)
April 2, 2009 at 12:50 pm
beetrootsoup
Thanks cbtish for your comment. I am still not convinced about the efficacy of CBT for me personally. I can’t speak for anyone else. However it does seem that it there is a growing recognition that it is not the magic panacea for all mood disorders that some wanted to believe. Statistically it is shown to help some, but not others, even when they complete the whole course of therapy, which I did not on this occasion. Some of the concepts may be helpful up to a point. Mindfulness for instance. I confess I have a certain resistance to the reductive thinking that seems to underlie this form of therapy. But for whoever it helps, great.
Thanks for your comment Sir Bob. I watched some of the Dispatches programme as well. Thanks for your kind encouragement. I’m still not in a good space but you’re right. It will pass. Will blog again as soon as I have something new to say. Love Zoe xxx
April 9, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Captain Jack is Super
I have a new washing machine too. Aren’t washing machines wonderful things?
I never really understood what “mindfulness” meant. Does it just mean self – awareness? I’m not so keen on analysing every thought and feeling either. To me that just makes you self obsessed. I don’t want to spend every waking moment questioning myself. It slows your reactions, makes you sluggish. Sometimes life requires quick responses, too much self analysis is bad for you. You can disappear up your own arsehole.
I did have therapy which made an enormous difference to me, but I do not need to be constantly aware of what I am doing. I simply understand myself better. I know my responses are not always appropriate. That they sometimes are out of proportion to the stimulus. That is enough.