Hello Peeps. Just when I thought I had bottomed out, the mood proceeded to drop even lower. That’s why you haven’t heard much from me in the last few days. I’ve been stuck in a brute struggle to survive.

Utter despair. Depressive thinking which tells me that there really is no point at all in going on like this. That my whole life is a sick joke at my expense. I struggle to find the words to say just how bad this feels. But I know there’s a lot of you out there who can at least take an educated guess.

I had two serious episodes of mania in the space of a year. Both times I was hospitalised, both times major depression for months afterwards. This is really no way to be living.

But I am marshalling every scrap of strength I have to get the right help and support.  Trying to get some psychotherapy in place. Contacting my services to let them know what is going on. I’ve got an appointment with a new psychiatrist (mine has switched teams) a week tomorrow. It can’t come soon enough. I only hope I can hold out till then.

I have got to take meds for this. I think I’m under-medicated, given the severity of my illness. I may need an antidepressant and an anti-psychotic as well as the mood stabiliser. On it’s own it just doesn’t do the job. For someone who would infinitely prefer not to ingest a lot of chemicals this is a hard thing to admit. But if it’s the meds or my life, well I want my life back. Two episodes in a year is just not acceptable.

 One thing I managed to do that I was proud of today was to change my computer over from Orange ISP to Virgin. I had to mess about connecting all kinds of leads, then go through the set-up process. Required a fair bit of help from tech support. But I did it. Yay for me.

Reduced to abjectly praying for some kind of release. Maybe the time of year can provide a little tiny bit of hope or inspiration. Jesus suffered on the cross but he rose again. Whether you believe it literally happened or not, it is a powerful metaphor, and who knows that better than we bipolar peeps?

Suicide is not an option. Fight on and on and on.