The citalopram would definitely have seemed to have done something. But I know I’m not out of the woods. I’m quite nervous, anxious and jittery. I’m smoking a fair bit (and am normally a non-smoker). Yesterday I bit off a bit more than I could chew by taking a bus to Charing Cross Road to get a book that I decided I just had to have. I know, what was I thinking! I could have ordered it but I couldn’t delay gratification!
But no harm done. I just realised that I have to nurture and protect myself until I am well on the mend. I struggle to find the words to describe the mental states that I went through over the last few weeks. Even here, where I know I would find a sympathetic and possible empathetic audience. So no wonder the ‘normies’ of the world don’t get it.
And when you can’t get it across, that contributes to the isolation. You are locked into your private hell. What saved me was being able to reach out and ask for help, even if it I couldn’t always articulate why I needed it.
Although the dread, terror and panic has largely subsided I am still left with a certain residue of continuing insecurity, loneliness, low self-esteem.
But hooray for citalopram. It seems to have done what it said on the tin, which has never been the case for me with any other antidepressant. I just wish that massive, rusty, arthritic machine the NHS could have moved a little faster for me at the time I needed it and got me on the stuff a lot sooner (when I presented at ERC on Monday 6th April). I was passed from pillar to post a few times when I was in deep shit. That isn’t really good enough and I shudder to think what could have happened if I had been more of a risk to myself.
But hey. I’m still here! And insecurity notwithstanding, I do know that there’s a whole lot I can do to help myself, while a week ago I thought I was more or less condemned to die. For now it’s enough to keep taking the next best step.
And I’m starting to catch up on my bloggie friends’ blogs too. We’ll never be alone folks, when we’ve got each other. Lots of love, Zoe.
6 comments
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May 2, 2009 at 6:54 pm
la
Hey Zoe,
What was the book?
I admit I won’t always understand what you’re going through, but I’ll always be here to listen without judgement and do what I can to help (that sounds really soppy, grr, but it’s true.)
Glad you’re still here xx
May 4, 2009 at 3:31 pm
bipolarlife
Now I’m all curious to know what the book is too. Must be good to warrant the bus trip.
The feeling of isolation can be overwhelming and can quickly turn into despair. I am so glad that you were able to reach out in spite of this and get the care that you needed. Taking time to heal yourself after this latest trauma is a good idea. This is what I have been doing since quitting my job last fall. I hadn’t realized how exhausted and anxious I was until all the madness stopped and I had time to reflect. Big hugs!
May 6, 2009 at 10:13 am
airey
I understand how you feel re. NHS I had a very similar experience here in Australia with the Government mental health service and yes Id hate to think what would have happened to me if it weren’t for the good people in my life who gave me the strength to keep fighting my way through while I was, as you put it, “passed from pillar to post”. I used to take citalopram and had great results. Stay strong babe. xoxo
May 8, 2009 at 3:30 pm
beetrootsoup
Thank you so much La, Bipolarlife and Airey for your comments. Sorry it took me such a time to get back to you but I read and appreciated them, I’ve just been unable to communicate.
La, it means a GREAT DEAL to me that you bother to read and reply to my posts. You are one of my most persistent and loyal commenters, I also greatly admire your writing, and I’m sure you understand more than you possibly think. One of the difficulties with mental health though is that although there are often many parallels in our experiences of ‘distress’, we are all unique individuals with different histories and backgrounds and we all experience it differently. Thank you so much for ‘being there’ for me.
The book is called ‘Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma’ by Peter Levine. It talks about how our physiological responses to trauma (unlike those of animals) can become embedded in our complicated human psyches so that we continue to play out the trauma over and over again in avoidant or reliving experiences of said trauma (what’s known as PTSD). At least I think that’s what it’s about! I haven’t been able to properly get to grips with it yet, but it looks like a fascinating read!
Bplife, thanks for the hugs, it also sounds like you’ve been doing better, I’m so pleased to hear that, and yes, isolation is a killer really. Solitude is lovely, aloneness fine when you choose it, but when you’re really down and out it’s natural to need human warmth, company and reassurance.
Airey lovely to hear from you, my first Australian reader I think! Glad you could relate to what I wrote about the services, but maybe that should be ’sad that you could relate!’ if you see what I mean. Glad though that you were lucky enough to have people to help you through your own crisis. Supportive friends and family are worth more than gold when you go through something like this and too many of us have a deficit of them when severe mental illness strikes. Lots of love, Zoe
May 13, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Wendy Love
This is my first visit to your blog! I will definitely look up that book “Taming the Tiger…” as you are not the first person to recommend it. I can identify with your situation. The only thing I have found that can apply no matter what we are going through is “don’t give up!” I will be back for another visit.
Wendy Love
May 14, 2009 at 10:56 am
beetrootsoup
Thank you Wendy…I love your name! Good to hear from you, and hope you find the book useful. You’re right. It may sound cliched but it’s important to tell a depressed person to ‘hang in there’ and ‘not give up’, and above all to keep reassuring them of their worth, and that this is an ilness and they will recover.
I know at least that these are the things I need to hear, over and over again if necessary. Yes it’s also important to listen to how they feel, but they are often intensely needy for positive input and affirmation of life too, at a time when they feel devoid of anything positive themselves. Love, Zoe.