When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Archive for November, 2007

So quiet here it’s embarrassing…

Yes it’s reminiscent of a nun’s cell in this blog, just the sound of my tapping on the keyboard, echoing off the walls…

Well, no I’m not a nun, though I might as well have taken a vow of celibacy for all the action I’m getting in that department. But you know what? I’m too busy to care most of the time. In my driven little way I’ve been running around all week, multitasking like crazy.

Have to admit I’m frankly jealous of other bloggers who rejoice in possessing actual readers! I have got to check out some sites that give you advice on how to publicise your blog. Can’t go on like this!

At the gym my Performance Index rose to 18 yesterday, after plateauing at 16 four days in a row. My energy levels have been fabulous, and I feel and look like the picture of health.

Have now been off all psych meds for about five weeks and I finally am starting to lose a bit of weight. Another effect of being med-free appears to be that I just don’t need anywhere near the same amount of sleep to get by. It isn’t insomnia or anything…I just go to sleep say about eleven and then wake about six or earlier. Often only have six hours sleep but I don’t feel at all sleep-deprived. When I think of my years on the dreaded Seroquel…always groggy in the morning, ‘needing’ nine or ten hours!

Saw friends at the cafe this afternoon, and was glad I did…had been wondering how I could get out of it but I actually quite enjoyed it for the first time in a few months. This is a personality issue between me and these two friends. Because I am feeling so good (and working hard at feeling good!) I find it quite hard to be around them, as they are most often not. Today though, being with them did not influence my state of mind at all…which is how it should be I guess. A lot of my social fears are based around the fear of being overwhelmed by others. I’ve always thought it probably went back to being a child, and being affected by my parents’ unhappiness. It’s good not to leak your energy out or spring a leak or get drained by others. If I can work out how to stay that way it will be a great discovery.

Take care all! Don’t be a stranger…Love, Zoe.

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Such a good day!

In the morning I attended a workshop of an organisation called ‘Women Like Us’ which helps women returners get back to work. It was shit-hot! There was a big group of us and wow, I did actually feel (by the end of it) that these were indeed, women like me! At the beginning I was a little daunted because I worry that I will be asked questions about my child but nothing like that happened whatsoever…no-one really talked about their kids. We were far too busy talking about ourselves and our desires to get back into the workplace. It was really confidence-building, for me. By the end of it I was, sort of ‘ I don’t hope to get a job, I am going to get a job!’ And it lasted all day.

I’m trying to put into practice the advice given by Lynn Grabhorn in her self-help book ‘Excuse me, your life is waiting’. Think about your wants not with a sad sense of lack, but with joyful feelings…visualise yourself enjoying whatever it is. That way (she reckons) we magnetise our desires. Focusing on ‘don’t wants’ has the same effect…dwell on your fears and they have a nasty way of coming true! Well I’m keeping an open mind…it’s worth a try! Apparently it’s the Law of Attraction at work.

After coming from the workshop I went straight to Learn Direct to my ECDL. Very motivated, you see! Lunch is for wimps! I’ve been skipping it lately and going straight to dinner…saves calories I guess. Then I shopped for cat food. One of my MATCH letters has not arrived to the membership secretary which is worrying me slightly…In future I am going to make a record of people’s addresses. There are three membership forms in that letter!

Start new job tomorrow. Also have to buy son’s birthday present from COMET.

Note to self…hardly anyone is reading this blog! I need to work on publicity. And getting people to link to me. Take care all, Zoe.

Happy.

Yeah, cause I heard from my boy and he was chatty and full of it. He’d been to see his fave footie team play, yesterday at the Emirates Stadium. Arsenal v Wigan. He gave me a blow-by blow account of the players he saw and what they did…turns out that his foster mum’s brother in law is a physio or paramedic or some such…treats the fallen players on the field, so as a result of that they had privileged seats and J got a player’s autograph and practically sat next to the subs bench…Wow! It was a real tonic to hear him so bubbly and chatty. He sounded so much more confident.

Also he did me a great favour by finally deciding what he wanted for his birthday. A Version 2 Ipod shuffle…apparently it is only 50 quid, and you can download 250 songs onto it. I have strict instructions to get the light blue one, from Comet. That’s a relief…it’s only two weeks till his birthday. He is going to call me on the day.

Been very busy with MATCH post, OA meetings, the gym…got my fruit and veg at the farmer’s market today. Am anticipating an even busier week, as I start the new voluntary job on Tuesday, and have a Women Like Us workshop tomorrow morning.

Woke up very early this morning, quite a lot playing on my mind. When it came to my turn to share at OA though I was really lost for words. Just couldn’t think what to say so in the end I just wound it up quickly. Sometimes I almost seem to forget how to talk…I do spend a lot of time alone, but I like it that way I guess. Still it would be nice to have a special person in my life. After the meeting got the bus with a friend from my regular meeting. I really like her.

Bought some beautiful yellow lilies for my shrine…nice to have some fresh flowers. How many weeks since I stopped all meds? About four? I know I’ve lost a BIT of weight because a pair of trousers is no longer uncomfortable, although I still could lose some more! My performance index at the gym has risen to 16 four times in a row, so obviously my fitness levels are building. That’s got to be the key to losing these extra pounds, although of course muscle does weigh more than fat!

Went to favourite Japanese clothes shop Uniqlo yesterday and bought a beautiful silver padded coat and a purple merino wool cardi. I don’t know how they do such amazing quality goods for such low prices, I really don’t.

Take care all! Love, Zoe.

Fine and dandy.

Last two days have been quite full and productive. Went for an interview at the local voluntary bureau yesterday afternoon…to actually work there (as a volunteer). I start next week! Which is good because I’m getting fed up with waiting for the other job to chase up references. I’ve agreed to work two days a week at this one, so that I will still have time for the other one when it finally materialises. Although a little worried at how I will fit my IT studies and exercise at the gym around four days a week of work! The nice thing about the volunteer bureau is they’re not too strait-laced…it will probably be all right if I go off early sometimes.

Also did my first assessment for the CLAIT qualification. It really was pretty easy…Now I’ve started on spreadsheets. YAWN! Am learning more at Learn Direct because I can go more at my own pace. Went there today and started the new module. Went to the gym first and worked out hard…beat my own record! My energy levels are really good these days, but sometimes I have to catch up on some extra rest, like yesterday when I went to bed at about eight and slept practically around the clock! Well, my muscles must be using a fair bit of energy, building themselves.

Did my MATCH work earlier. Got to go to OA now. Take care all! Love, Zoe.

A good weekend.

Yesterday I went to an OA meeting in central London and took the opportunity to pick up some shopping while I was there. Then I went to my current fave restaurant in all the world…Vita Organic in Wardour Street. It’s taken over the place in my heart hitherto occupied by Country Life, the boringly named but wonderful Seventh Day Adventist vegan place which alas and alack, is no more. Although I have to say that I like a veggie restaurant that has real heart and soul, and maybe it helped that they all believed in something. Vita Organic is wonderfully conscious of nutrition, but there is no religion or particular spirituality in it that I can discern. Although they are very nice and all.

After that I went to my favourite esoteric bookshop, Watkins. Let’s face it, probably the only esoteric bookshop that I know of. And still as brilliant as ever. I really enjoyed just browsing for an hour or two. I just bought a 2008 diary and a magazine, Kindred Spirit. Unusual that I escaped without being tempted by a book, but I’ve noticed that I’m not reading as much as before and need to clear a backlog of unread books before I buy any more.

Today was cold and weather a bit foul. Went to OA meeting, then to the Farmers’ Market, then the gym. Then home and cooked carrot and coriander soup and ate some of it with salad and tofu. Now I am struggling with my recalciatrant computer again. It keeps disconnecting and accessing email is getting harder all the time. I really must phone the ISP. I’m getting really fed up.

Have MATCH post to sort out. Have felt stable and calm all weekend. Been using my new lightbox. Take care all! Love, Zoe.

Just a quick one.

Another beautiful (though short) late autumn day, very cold though. I was up with the lark, needing to get to my test at Learn Direct at nine. It was really hard! Quite a few questions that didn’t cover familiar territory at all, or so it seemed to me. But miraculously, I passed with 81%…the pass mark is 75%. That was a relief…I didn’t relish the idea of going back over that stuff again…or possibly having to pay to do a retake! The first one is free.

I’ve got an assessment at my other IT class on Monday too. That will probably be easier…it’s word processing and file management, which I’m OK at.

After that I went to the gym. Then I had to meet a friend who had asked me to help her draft a couple of letters. Then I came home and heated up some leftovers for lunch. Have done a wash and made a few phone calls. It’s just been all go! Now I am going to meet my friends in the cafe. After that I’m planning to go and see the new film ‘Brick Lane’, based on a novel I really liked, although apparently the actual inhabitants of Brick Lane are not that happy about it. Controversial, shall we say.

Send up a quick prayer for J. His social worker (the new one, a chap) is going to see him and take him out today. They got on well before…I hope (pray) that J will be cooperative and not clam up. He really does need all the help he can get.

Take care all! Love, Zoe.

Still better.

Hi people. A perfectly decent day. Did a full session of yoga and meditation before breakfast, then later my yoga class. Then Learn Direct where I was finishing off assignments, talking to my tutor and preparing for a test on Friday. Then picked up some shopping at the supermarket…and home.

Been thinking a lot about having J back to live with me. In some ways I wish I could. If things don’t work out with the placement I don’t want him going anywhere else. What is the point? It obviously isn’t the fault of the placement…the family are so nice and have done their best. Plus they have a lovely house and he has had the opportunity to go to a good school.

It would be better all round if he could just settle down at the new school and stop giving everyone such a bloody hard time. I can’t help thinking he is better off with the foster family than with me but sometimes my heart runs away with my head and I just want him back at any cost. I would hardly be surprised now if I heard that Jo is giving up although perhaps I shouldn’t even say that…

Oh J, you always were high maintenance and it seems like nothing much has changed except that you are bigger and even more difficult. Lots of anger, says the link worker. But the good news is I have begun to relinquish my illusions of control…and along with them, the killer guilt. Which gives me permission to go on living and even enjoying my life despite knowing that J is having problems.

As this is ‘the withdrawal blog’ maybe I should mention that I have now been off all psych meds (yippee!) for nearly three weeks. I am still on shedloads of nutritional supplements but am looking at discontinuing some of them eventually. I certainly am feeling my feelings, but that is a good thing…there has been a need to process quite a bit of grief lately and I am aware of many delicately nuanced emotions passing through my body. I am still on a low dose of HRT and have had no recurrence of any menopausal symptoms.

Aargh, my ‘puter keeps disconnecting itself. I’m fed up with it! Another call to the ISP I suppose…Take care all. Love, Zoe.