When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Ohmigod. First two days of this week I was up and away and ready for anything. Halfway through Wednesday I started to crash. I am thinking ‘hormones’. And maybe, ‘HRT’. I’ve been on it for about six months now and at first it seemed miraculous in its effects. Now I am less sure. My appetite has been out of control too…cravings for sweets, even though I don’t go near sugar any more. Also been waking quite early. And getting terribly tired. Haven’t been to the gym all week. Just couldn’t face it.

It isn’t mental health problems as I’ve known them in the past…there seems very little danger of a recurrence of psychosis or severe persistent depression. However these rapid and unpredictable moodswings are impacting on my life. They don’t prevent me from working or functioning, but they do make me feel fairly miserable at times. In the course of a few days, even hours, it’s all change. Today I was massively fed up at work, yet the other day I really enjoyed it. It isn’t the blasted work. It’s me!

Will be starting a new voluntary job at the library on Monday. So that will be three days working out of five.

Still pretty down, and I am doing pretty much every damn thing I can to be well. It occurred to me today that work itself does trigger me sometimes…in the sense that in an average, office environment I am faced with facts about my life that I find difficult. For instance, I have been on state benefits for the best part of twenty years…for a lot of that time I was too ill to work and as a result I have missed out on a career or even gaining significant work experience in the professional world. Whether I can really catch up now is doubtful, however good I am at learning and so forth. I’m going to be forty-six tomorrow. The best I can hope is to defy my age somewhat by keeping mentally and physically fit. I feel so depressed right now that I’d better not even carry on down this route…I just can’t find it in me to be positive and I just hope to God that I’ll feel better tomorrow.

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