When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Archive for April, 2008

Changing my name!

Well actually, I want to change my blog name. On the road back is not only boring, dull, unoriginal and uninspired, it’s already been done! By someone on a blooming weight loss program! I probably shouldn’t say this here, but, well, her whole blog consists of what she has and hasn’t eaten! After reading that I went even more off my blog title than I was before. Something must be done!

So I had a little solo brainstorming session and haven’t come up with the perfect name yet, surprise surprise! ‘Am I still ill’, after the celebrated Smiths’ song was a possible, but I thought it was a little on the negative side! Oh what’s in a name…

Am blogging from work again. Ironically seems to be the only spare time I have to write this blog. After work I thought I would go to the Phoenix in East Finchley (wonderful independent cinema) to see the new Mike Leigh, ‘Happy go lucky’. A nice blast of positive lightness just what the doctor ordered.

Actually I’ve had a good week. Despite things going pear-shaped yet again with Richard I feel happy, positive, reasonably stable. More confident. Definitely more confident. And in the Spring a middle-aged woman’s thoughts turn to lerve, do they not? That’s a young man? Now you’re being both sexist and ageist…

The very words middle-aged do not factually describe a state, you will notice. Let’s face it I can no longer call myself ‘young’ at 46…yet the words ‘middle-aged’ carry a baggage of secondary meanings, or should that just be ‘a baggage’.

My best female friend has a new love in her life. It’s early days but frankly, I want a piece of the action too! Got to pack up it’s nearly home-time… All ideas for a blog title will be gratefully received and absolutely no prizes for the winner! Love you… Zoe

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Good Lord!

Someone from a Brazilian blog promoting ‘Smartphone’ commented on my last entry…nice comment, shame about the blog. Not that I could understand it, it might be the deepest postmodern irony for all I know…Then again can beggars be choosers? Well OK, just for the record, comments are great but if you are selling something, don’t bother! Thinks, did I mention phones in my last entry? It reminds me of those Orange mobile ads you get at the cinema…’Lord of the Ring Tones’.

Anyway, down to business. I have had a good few days. Had an almighty row with Richard at the weekend (anyone discerning a pattern here?) Was completely overwhelmed and overpowered by my feelings of frustration and hopelessness about our relationship. Seemed to have little choice but to watch myself turn into that all-too-familiar monster once again. It reminded me of past relationships when I was (even more) immature and just fell into the wrong kinds of connections which made me feel stifled and trapped. I fear that more than almost anything else, and in fact in later years the choices I’ve made in relationships reflect the need to feel free and independent even though the reality is, I’m not. Hence, I’ve never lived with Richard. He has always stayed in his house and I in mine.

Well now that I’m doing CBT perhaps I am less inclined to analyse why I feel that way and more to look at the processes and mechanisms that tend to create those feelings with a view to stopping. Certainly, after my last sojourn into psychoanalytical group therapy, and then discovering the delights of the 12-step Program, I am very disinclined to keep digging over the past. Been there, got the T-shirt and thanks for all the fish.

Quite enjoyed the session today. A new person showed who is the mother of an old friend of my son’s, who I therefore knew quite well from the local school. Also my great friend is in the group. So it’s a fun thing to go to, together, and then we go for a coffee and a gossip afterwards. And today I was most delighted and intrigued to hear about a new romance with a mutual acquaintance! I immediately identified with what was going on for her, feeling envious, pleased, excited and fearful for her all at once.

It seems a timely thing that I’m in a CBT group now. My fear of change is making me very intolerant of Richard…yes, although I have made ENORMOUS changes in my life in the last year I am still mighty fearful of making new connections, showing my vulnerability, acknowledging attraction to people and so on. My friend has been able to make a new connection. It may not work out, or it may, but she has basically had more bottle than me, even though she is suffering far more from depression and related states of mind than I am.

At the grand old age of 46 I am realising that there are worse things under Heaven and on Earth than rejection. Like being forever unfulfilled and dying alone and full of regrets for what might have been for instance! I will soon be at the point where I can openly engage in a flirtation with someone I really like! Well, why not think positive. You have nothing to lose but your hang-ups.

Have been asked to do a ‘chair’ at my local OA meeting. Aargh, was my first thought. Damn, I’ll do it was my second, hot on the heels of the first.

Love everyone and everything. Take care! Zoe

Been Spring cleaning…

…or rather, Spring tidying, or rather rationalising my impressive collection of papers, files, books and magazines. About six white bin-bags of papers have made their way outside, ready for the recycling men. It feels like having a really good s***! Excuse my earthy metaphor, but I’m sure you know what I mean! It’s great to see my bookshelves tidy, with an actual space underneath the bottom shelf instead of a jumble of muddled up, out of date phone books and such. I really recommend it if you want a mood lift!

That, of course, is if you aren’t too low to find the motivation for such tasks. They can seem daunting at first. I actually felt quite low this morning myself and went out for a wander for no better reason than that I could not bear my own four walls any longer. I’m a bit low about Richard. We had another big row last Wednesday and he is still upset about it and didn’t want to come round yesterday. Which has highlighted to me in no uncertain terms that the problems we had in our relationship before have not miraculously gone away. Surprise!

As a couple we have never learned to use conflict constructively. For awhile things will be hunky dory then suddenly they are not. And the more active, proactive and involved I become in recovery and my many and various projects the more obvious it becomes that he is just not engaged in the same way. He seems to feel quite defeated at the moment by the job business. I could say a lot more but I don’t want to put this in a public space…I guess it’s not fair to him. Plus, he might read it and feel unhappy.

Anyway I’m going to my Dual Recovery Anonymous meeting this evening. Take care all! Love – Zoe.

Blogging at work.

Grabbing some spare time on a quiet afternoon at work to check in here. Had a great weekend…contact with my son went really well, despite the yucky, wintry weather. He was on such good form. I haven’t seen him so well and balanced since I don’t know. He wanted to go to a wildlife park so we did. He took a ton of pics with the digital camera I bought him for Christmas. He is a dab hand with it and apparently has been using it a lot, so that was a success. The big cats, as always, were the stars of the show…some ‘white’ lions, a ‘white’ tiger (and a massive ordinary tiger) and…a pair of snow leopards, they are so special.

Mum and Richard both came too. After we dropped him back off with Jo we drove back to London and went out for a splendiferous meal at Jai Krishna’s, one of our favourite veggie Indians. After wandering about in the cold and wet all afternoon we had worked up an appetite.

Mum and Richard both went home about mid-afternoon on Sunday. My mood promptly took a bit of a dive, and stayed low for the duration of Monday, which I spent working at the library. Aargh! I am beginning to feel that working in a public library is not for me. In the afternoon I was put upstairs on the Junior section. It’s more like an after-school club than anything else, and I felt like a spare part most of the time because I still don’t know how to do the many, many little procedures I have to learn. Well, it’s only my third day but I’m starting to wonder how anyone learns this stuff. And whether this is going to really be for me.

So here I am at my other job, not that busy but nevertheless grateful that it is a whole lot easier on my nerves than the library. Had an early night last night, feeling utterly exhausted and managed to get up early for yoga and meditation, which did me good. Still have yet to really carry out that resolution I made about visiting and commenting on more blogs and raising my blog profile. When I’m low and tired as I was last night I don’t tend to go on the ‘puter.

Ah well, another day another dollar, and now I have two days off. Though it’s going to be a busy week. Am starting CBT seminars tomorrow, and then there’s the Emilia project on Thursday. Somehow have to fit in Learn Direct and the gym. Take care all.