When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Archive for September, 2009

Aah, share the lerve!!!

Hardly slept at all…would have helped if I’d taken my Ipod off I s’pose…

About as spaced out as it gets without actually leaving the planet…

Please leave me alone!

But comment!

Cause otherwise I’ll sulk and think y’all don’t care…

Don’t phone me and I won’t phone you…

Don’t burden me with your petty, yes I did say PETTY, problems…

I’m BUSY!

But text me. And I promise while my texting finger is still attached to my hand, I will text you back…

The written word is a lot less threatening than the spoken one…

Which is why I use this place as an outlet…

And why I’m not ‘Mad Pride’…

And why I don’t consider myself mad…

But why I will plead guilty to ‘bonkers’, ‘nuts’, or ‘fruitcake’…

Off to see my wonderful social worker, Wayne, for a coffee. Then to see my mate S for a tea. Nothing to do but hang out and worry about what to wear. It ain’t a bad life folks.

Lose that job…find yourself something useful to do…

And keep on SHARING THE LERVE… Zoe xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Under Pressure…

Hi citizens. Where do I start to update you? Most of my recent life needs to stay in a big box file marked strictly confidential (luckily) so I can pare it down for you.

Have you seen the new Dizzee Rascal video ‘Bonkers’? Sorry I’m hopelessly ungeeky so I can’t do you a link…go and look it up yourselves, you lazy muthas.

Have I raved here before about the London Grime and hip-hop scene? It’s second to NONE. Check out N-Dubz. Check out Dizzee. Check out Kano. Let me go all jingoistic on you and say that it leaves the likes of Jay Zee, Eminem and co badly in the shade? (Sorry Jayz.) Yet again we Brits come out on top. Not that I’m competitive nor nuffin.

To think if it wasn’t for my charming teenage son (all of 13) I would never have discovered these cultural delights.

Talking of Eminem, I used to have a bit of time for him, but my word, anyone given his latest, ‘Relapse’, a listen? Guy’s in a seriously bad way. Someone, please, help him, as his tiny daughter Hailie used to cry! And stop him making any more records!

I’ve been a bit high lately. Well, that always happens when things start to go a bit too well for me. There I was, deeply involved in user work in my borough and about to embark on an MA in Mental Health and Wellbeing, no less…even becoming a bit of a weekend environmentalist on the side.

This can’t be allowed to go on, you all cry. You’re on the verge of becoming acceptable, Zoe. You might even end up getting a bloody job and then where we all be? Go back to be the frankly bonkers Zoe we all know and love so well! At least we all know where we are with her.

OK then. I’ll do you a deal, fans. I’ll be as bonkers as you like, but will pass for sane at all times. Will not be expected to ingest poisons in order to fit in. Will not be required to conform to an impossible norm. Will stick with mine and  agree to differ with the inevitable haters. I got my mates. I don’t need much else, since society is kind enough to support my supposed ‘disability’.

I’m lucky lucky lucky. Been telling you all that for years now. Stop pitying me!!! I don’t need your feckin’ sympathy! I was born in the Year of the Tiger wasn’t I? They always land on their feet… I refuse to cry. I refuse to go for the sympathy vote. Duff me up, handcuff me, turn me in to the feds, but pray, no more shrinks!!!

Well I told you. I’m out to lunch again, and it’s past midnight. Love you lots folks (and spare me your effing concern too GRRR!) Zoe xxx

A Guilt Post…

Hi  dearest peeps. Why so guilty? Only because I have sorely neglected my corner of the Internet despite having loyal readers and even new ones. 

Well, I know you will all forgive my absence when I tell you that life has been busy happening to me lately (to mangle John Lennon’s line) . I’ve had an absolutely great summer. Honestly I hardly know where to start.

The voluntary work I am doing for the local mental health service user network has been burdgeoning and growing, and I feel myself growing along with it. In addition to that I met a new and rather wonderful vegan friend who is a bit of an eco-activist as well as an expert on trees and plants.

I had been wanting to get involved with Sustainable Haringey for a long time, and had asked R to come along to meetings with me but he wasn’t keen. Now that I know G though I am becoming more and more involved and it’s also great to be pals with a fellow vegan (the first I think…) 

As I find myself getting busier and busier I notice I’m getting asked to do more and more things. For years I’ve sought the Holy Grail of the ‘work I was born to do’…waited for some kind of Eureka moment where I would ‘just know’. Well I am having a Eureka summer. Understanding that maybe it’s not so much about the work, but more about me. Shedding the inhibitions and overcoming the self-made obstacles in the way of just jumping in and doing it.

However what’s probably very important is having a passion. I have a passion for mental health, for improving the lot of those who experience mental health problems, or, more importantly, the stigma and social difficulties that attach to such experiences. I have been there myself…been written off, dismissed, patronised, told I would never work again. I am one of the lucky ones though. I bounced back…over and over again. I always knew deep down that I wasn’t finished yet.

I persistd in sharpening my brain and my wits ready for my full-on counter-attack at anyone who ever scorned me or took pleasure in seeing me so ground down and defeated.

Yes, an element of revenge can be a healthy response in my opinion, provided it doesn’t become the main motivation, and is not obsessive or premeditated. To quote someone or other: ‘Living well is the best revenge’. There is nothing more delightful to me than seeing the sick look on the face of someone who dislikes me while they smile and congratulate me on how well I’m doing. As Bob Dylan would have it ‘You gotta lot of nerve, to say you are my friend…’

As well as a whole lot of voluntary commitments (some of which are paid, some not) I’ve applied to and been accepted on an MA course in Mental Health and Wellbeing at the London Metropolitan University. It’s a big commitment and a Whole Lotta Money but I am looking forward to it and devoutly hope it will work out, as it should dovetail really well with the work stuff.

My best female friend in the whole world is having a baby any day now. Saw her in the hospital today. She was high on painkillers ( for the complications of advanced pregnancy). I’m excited at the thought of a new small person in my family of friends. She is expecting a girl.

I have been to a solicitor and begun proceedings to try and get my son returned to me. I am not attached to whether or not he comes home, I just know that it was time to send out the message that he does have a MORE than adequate home and a highly intelligent and able mother with lots of supportive friends and a good partner around her. The rest is largely up to him in the long run.

Well peeps, I am off to Cumbria with said partner tomorrow in the car. I booked a self-catering cottage and we are taking bikes. Take care and lots of love…Zoe xxx