When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Archive for December, 2009

Why is life so complicated?

Hi folks. About time I gave you a proper update. Tons has happened since we last spoke. That might be partly why I haven’t been blogging. After a while there is just too much to say.

Also there is stuff that is affecting me very profoundly but about which I have to be very careful what I say, as Big Brother may be watching me in the shape of the Social Services. And no, it isn’t my paranoia!

Anyone here who is well acquainted with my ‘back story’ will know that this concerns my son, who is 14 and in foster care. Suffice to say I have begun legal proceedings to get him back, and he has repeatedly expressed the desire to come home. Next step is my parenting has to be assessed. What a f*****g joke. Oops, there I go, big mouth strikes again. When will I ever learn.

In the meantime there were university dramas worth of any soap. I was unfairly failed on a group assessment where I was badly let down by my six ‘colleagues’. We were failed as a group, even though I did three quarters of the work.

By the way, if you notice typos it is because there appears to be a malfunction whereby I can’t go back and correct mistakes cause the cursor won’t appear. Lord forbid that you should think I’m just careless and/or illiterate. Now it appears to have righted itself.

Anyway,  after kicking up a stink as only I know how (my own mother finds me ‘scary’) and failing to get the prompt response I wanted, I began to lose all faith in the course (though it was only one module, not a mental health one, that I had problems with) and indeed, in the Uni itself (which has been very troubled as a result of financial shenanigans).

I withdrew from the course and handed in ID card and library books. But I continued to grieve and ruminate about it. Basically I had not wanted to leave as I was very committed to studying mental health, and this was the only course of its type I could find anywhere. It was even local and easy for me to get to (Highbury Fields).

My mind was finally made up when I had a nice email from my mental health promotion tutor. She said I had done really well in my presentation for that module, and that it would be a shame for me to leave. Why not do the mental health certificate, which just requires three mental health modules? I could be finished this year.

I have decided to go back and do just that. If I really want to continue and do the MA I will just repeat the assessment next year (after I have proved beyond doubt that I am a very able student, way beyond the average at that Uni). In the meantime I am applying for a refund of my fees for that module, as through no fault of my own I could not continue it (I can even plead mental health if I need to).

Since I decided to go back, I have felt better, after a definite dip in mood on Boxing Day. Would you believe I spent Xmas with my Mum. Unbelievably mind-numbing and boring. Not so much her as her dinner guest.

DNA-alikes. Don’t you just love them? I owe that expression to someone on Seaneen’s blog and have claimed it as my own.

And guess what? I’m feeling lucky folks. Flying in the face of all rationality I love to read horoscopes and such, and this year is a cracking one for Pisceans. Also, I was born in the Year of the Tiger and it’s ‘my’ year. And you know what? I’m gonna need a few lucky breaks. Like staying nice and stable for a good long while.

Talking of which, I am now taking 10mg of Citalopram and 200mg of Lamictal. The valproates didn’t seem to work for me so lamotrigine is something completely different (although also an anticonvulsant). Please God, let it work. It’s also good for bipolar depression which can’t help but be a good thing. The highs are worse though, and they always lead to the most soul-destoying depressions.

I do everything I possibly can to stay well. It’s about time I had a break from the cycle of torment. The rest of the time, my life is good. I’m a happy, contented bunny with plenty of good stuff in my life.

To any young person out there I would say ‘get yourself a good education’. I say that because I have found a honed, toned mind (as opposed to body) to be the single most useful thing in life that you can possibly have.

There endeth Grandma’s lesson. Take care all and a happy New Year! Love, Zoe xxx


Yay oh yay oh yay…still alive!

Hi folks. Nice of you, Bob, to wonder how I was. I know what it’s like when you don’t hear from someone so I am poppng my head back over the parapet to say hi, yes, all limbs still present and correct. Marbles likewise…

Have been enjoying the MA. I love being at Uni and love studying. I’m gonna leave this post as is for now as I need to get to y art class…