When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Archive for August, 2010

Codependency Car Crash

Oh dear folks. The light has started to dawn on this poor mangled specimen of a Zoe.

Lashing out at my near and dear ones, and hurting no one more than my self.

I have been stark raving mad for six months. I lost all insight. I raved, harassed and abused people I claimed to love. I destroyed my closest relationships. I’ve been self-righteous. Been ‘the innocent victim’. Manipulated, tried to control, ceased caring for myself, become dysfunctional, withdrawn and isolated.

I was mad with the pain, like a wounded animal.

I’m so sorry for all the rubbish I’ve talked, even here on this blog.

I’m off to Codependents Anonymous as soon as I can drag this punch-drunk carcass, this poor husk of a Zoe, to a meeting.

Much love, and if you have been, thanks for tolerating me. X

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Karma Drama

Anxiety about my son yesterday sent me into yet another tailspin.

In the meantime, ex-partner R is enjoying himself with his family on holiday in the Lakes. Does he miss me, I find myself asking during the one and only phone call (made by me). My desperation painfully obvious.

Huh. Of course not.

But he tells me I am the dominant one in our relationship.

Would that it were so.

I am approx one hundred times as needy as he is.

And I find myself thinking ‘it’s not fair’.

The dumb thoughts, of which that is by no means the dumbest, came thick and fast today, as I fed my ‘pain body’ (see Eckhart Tolle) with more and yet more dumbness.

I am your classic ‘woman in an abusive relationship who won’t leave’.

I’m in a truly ghastly double-bind of needing him desperately, even as I fear his power over me.

This is sheer madness, more, it is total insanity.

As Eckhart tells us, I have become totally identified with my fear to the point where I am one walking ball of the stuff. Scared to leave him. Scared not to.

Even as I write this I am desperately bargaining for one more chance. One more chance to feel unloved, needy and desperate, with a man who probably can’t really love anybody.

The lack of love, disguised by small crumbs, feeds the need. Which makes me cling. I am so used to not being loved. It has the comforting ring of the familiar.

I’ve been existing on crumbs for years. I am a love anorexic.

And yeah R. You know what? This is emotional self-harm. I am an adult and I can choose to just say no. But I am addicted to the pain, stress and drama of this horrific situation.

The crows have picked the bare bones clean and I am fully exposed.

I can’t lie to myself any longer. It is what the f*** it is.

Rainy Day Woman

And this was the day a friend and I chose to walk along the River Lea all the way from Tottenham Hale to Homerton.

I kept going for the last couple of miles by promising myself a good nosh-up at the Pogo vegan cafe, a volunteers cooperative in Hackney. The portions were more than generous and the food, delicious.

Eckhart Tolle’s message is getting through to me. I am realising that I really do have a choice as to whether to be dominated by ‘mind’…essentially thoughts of past and future which, for me at least, often feed negative emotional states.

Thoughts are nearly always a bunch of crap. When I remember to, I am consciously dropping them and coming back to the present.

I have booked onto a ‘Sharing Presence’ workshop on Sunday in Battersea. It’s only £10 to attend, and I’m excited at the prospect of meeting some like-minded people.

How wonderful it is, after a long day out and much physical exertion in relentless rain, to come home to a nice warm, dry house and my beloved cats.

It’s time, folks. We’ve all got to wake up. Old ways are destroying us and the planet. Time to try a new tack.

Political action on it’s own is always limited in its effects, because it depends on the mind, which is principle defender of the ego…essentially our delusion of separate existence.

We are all part of the One. The insanity starts inside ourselves. We must all put our own house in order: no one else can do it for us.

Lotsa love. x

Less sad…

Life lacks direction or purpose, at least outwardly. I accept I’m still healing, so I have taken on no commitments. I try to see at least one friend each day. To write something, most days. I’m still not cooking for myself, and even go out for breakfast.

After that, I head up to the boating lake at Ally Pally, to watch the water, ducks, sky and trees. Still reading The Power of Now and it is extremely powerful and impressive. It is easier to find those moments of inner silence – what Eckhart calls ‘Being’, when alone in nature.

Watching the silly mind producing it’s endless web of thought. The grief over R less heavy in my belly today, and the conviction that our separation is A Good Thing in the ascendant.

Tomorrow it’ll be something else.

I have no respect for what the human race as a mass gets up to. Eckhart calls the human species ‘dangerously insane’…and so we are. Killing and hurting each other daily. Decimating other species. Tearing into the planet.

Sitting on a park bench trying to create inner stillness and silence is as rational a choice as I can think of right now. Way preferable to joining in with the insanity of ‘work’…a concept I have struggled with to some degree all my life but never more than now.

X

Sad

Am reading ‘The Power of Now’.

Mood ‘a bit sad’. Hung up on the relationship with R. Which, Eckhart Tolle tells us, is not the Now, but the past and maybe the future.

I am ready to take full responsibility for everything that has happened to me in the last seven months. But I’m not willing to blame myself or be blamed for it. There is a difference.

And when it comes to resolving a conflict, there have to be two willing parties. One is not enough.

The Company of Artists

Nearly all my friends these days are creative people, in one way or another. I bond with them easily. Artists ‘get me’ and I ‘get them’. I will never be a corporate drone. I have always had difficulties with organisations. I especially won’t go near any type of organised religion, even though I am an intensely spiritual person.

Organisations run on consensus, on the whole. They are therefore usually only as effective as their sickest member.

This afternoon I returned to my art class for the first time in months. It was balm to my soul, even though I am not primarily a visual artist. I chatted to the teacher, telling her about what has made me so ill the last six months.

I explained to her, that when I said the things I did on the course I was following my inner light. This is why I cannot let the whole thing go, with R. Cannot accept that I did anything wrong. I wasn’t ‘mouthing off’. I wasn’t motivated by some dark desire to destroy Equals. I said what I did because it was what I believe.

I have basically been punished and vilified for being true to my inner light.

This is an extremely powerful experience, especially when the two prime movers are your best friend and partner, respectively.

My fundamental position is this. The ‘mentally interesting’ have a unique perspective. Our experiences are a strength and not a weakness. This is not something I read in a book. It is what I live, every day of this cursed-and-blessed life.

And I have to ask myself this. If these thoughts and ideas are so deeply threatening to Equals, they must be extremely powerful. Way way more powerful than I knew when I uttered them.

Which makes me think this. I’m on to something.

Poor R. He is suffering deeply because for as long as he tries to set himself against my inner light, he is also setting himself against his own.

Inner lights, folks, are all part of the same Source. They fuel our creativity, our ‘madness’, our passions, our irrational joys.

Equals are hurting themselves far worse than they can ever hurt me. They will never move forward, never find their vision. Because they have denied mine.

And look how many people’s lives have been affected by their actions, their choices.

To suffer for the truth, for your own inner light, is a great blessing. They have well and truly kicked me into touch with who I really am and how I should be living my life. Maybe they have even set me on the road to full recovery from a ‘severe and enduring’ illness.

You’ve got to say, folks, it is a splendid irony. This firm, devoted to ’empowering’ service users, has done just that. Not in a way anyone would have predicted, but y’know what? I learned more from the course, my expulsion from it and all the fall out than anyone actually learned from their course. Guaranteed.

I’ve always been a very gifted student. No-one can stop me rising to the top. I listen with a quiet mind. I speak from the heart. I have no fear of anyone. I love the truth.

Do we work, or does work work us?

I emailed Haringey User Network today to tell them I’m stepping down. It’s called ‘voting with your feet’. Sometimes you have to risk hurting people you like. Sometimes you can be more powerful in your absence than by showing up.

Enough is enough anyway. It’s not a choice at the end of the day. I have to go with what supports my mental health, and not with what doesn’t. HUN is going nowhere fast and I don’t back losers…not consciously anyway, much as I have a perennial weakness for the underdog.

They know my feelings and views, at least if they don’t, then I’ve made them clear enough. To keep bashing my head against a brick wall is self-harm basically…

Talking of brick walls. R. My ex. He cannot agree with me that I have a right to express an independent opinion. He stonewalls me constantly with both verbal and non-verbal messages, all of which are mixed, because I know that with R, what you get on the surface is only the tiniest tip of a very big iceberg.

Somehow I can’t just let it go. Deep down he doesn’t want me to, hence the mixed messages. He hasn’t suddenly transmogrified into someone else and nor have I. There is a slightly mad, offbeat, creative and funny side to R that, for the time being, he is repressing and denying with the help of work, work and more work.

I’ve gotta say though, I really miss the other R. This angry, defensive, robotic, proto-conformist R is not the man I fell in love with and was so close to for so many years.

Once again my monkey mind will try to persuade me that it is ‘all my fault’. But my monkey mind can just f*** right off. We all make choices, every minute of every hour of every day. He is making his. I am continuing to be true to my inner light, and that is, in a way, a denial of all choice. I am what I am. I can’t be what I’m not.

R is off to the Lake District for a week tomorrow. I hope the Lakes and mountains help him to plumb his inner depths. He has a strong, simple response to nature that I have always loved and admired. He is not this ‘jobsworth’ monster that he wants to make out.

There is no question, fellow ‘mentally interesting’ peeps, that the World of Work creates conflict within and between us. Look at what happened with me and Equals, and what is still happening between me and R.

When he was a volunteer for Friends of the Earth I didn’t see this side to him. He was happy in what he was doing, believed in it and was shown proper appreciation for it. Now he has a boring and mundane post/porter type job in a hospital, plus dribs and drabs of work for Equals. When he’s not doing that, he’s compulsively performing household and garden tasks as if his life depended on it.

And I’ve gotta say, he’s never seemed more unhappy. No, he doesn’t sob down the phone to me. But he never seems really relaxed, he is like a coiled spring with aggression always crackling away just under the surface.

Why do people hurt themselves with work (and other addictions), as if they were their own slave-drivers?

It’s like he thinks he’s a bad person, and has to punish himself by denying his true nature with a never-ending roster of false ‘duties’.

It’s our duty to be true to our inner light. Whatever work comes out of that is the work we love to do, the work that is creative and genuinely productive, and which is performed with an inner freedom and lightness of being. It fosters our growth, never stymies or blocks it.