When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Archive for November, 2010

All Time High!

J you said I could name you, and that the paedophiles wouldn’t get you  but I’ve decided to play safe on this occasion.

Nearly 400 hits on my blog today babe. An all-time high. You’re helping my stats and popularity no end babe!

THAT’S why I don’t wanna talk on the phone right now hon. Cause right now this is more interesting and exciting.

We’re an unbeatable combo, J. With you as my ‘partner in crime’ I swear I can do anything!



Let’s Get Together

Y’see, good service users of Haringey (and Soho, Angela!) We don’t really need to be fighting each other! We need to go forth into battle IN SOLIDARITY…

For me, that means mental health service users working together. Bringing physical and mental health ‘disability’ together, as you did with Equals, just doesn’t work for me. The issues we face are different.

It’s really nothing personal Nora and Barbara. It’s just, this ain’t my vision. And I’ve never met another mental health service user who thought it was theirs, either.

At the end of the day, I could still make a complete recovery from my ‘illness’. It isn’t set in stone. And it could even confer greater than average ABILITIES. I find it a pessimistic and fatalistic outlook to cling to a ‘disabled’ label.

I want to engage in debate and I don’t mind people disagreeing with me. I KNOW my view is not the only one. I ENJOY differences! That’s why I came to live in Haringey!

Come here service users of Haringey and let’s talk!




Angela? Will you agree to work with me NOW?

The offer’s still there. I won’t work for you. I’ll work with you.

Still love you very much.

How Does It Feel?

To be on your own? No direction home? A complete unknown? Like a rolling stone?

Dunno? Let me fill you in.

I’m a vulnerable mental health service user. As if society’s marginalisation and stigmatisation of me and my kind wasn’t enough, I then had to face further ostracisation and vilification from a ‘social firm’ I was foolish and naive enough to join, as a volunteer.

Their name is Equals Training. One of their esteemed ‘directors’ was the chronically directionless Angela Salway. And they employed my equally (hah!) easily-led ex-partner of eleven years as their Web Manager.

What do you think was going through their heads good people of Haringey?

To want to voluntarily and proactively expel and alienate a dangerous, uh, writer from their ranks?

I’ll tell you, as I’m studying for my PhD in Advanced Mind-Reading.

They chronically underestimated me, my kind, and even themselves. They thought I was ‘too hot to handle’, and that their organisation was not big or flexible enough to contain my ideas.

But were they honest about this? Uh uh.

They launched a hate campaign against me in order to justify their behaviour.

And I think you’ll find we all have our limits. I reached mine this year. And turned into a real writer.

They wanted to stop my flow, interrupt it. They pilloried and disapproved of my blog and my emails. They complained to the police about their chosen scapegoat. They were out of touch with reality. They thought I would go away and self-destruct. Instead, I go from strength to strength, take on bigger targets, all the while watching them implode.

For Equals Training read Mediocrity on the March. Read brown-nosing with the hacks of the hierarchy. Read Victim Mentality Promotion. Read Ideologically Challenged, Total Lack of Vision Training. Read ‘Wow guys, we can get away with murder!’ Read ‘Playing the Mental Health Card!’ Read ‘Total Hypocrisy’. Read ‘Sociopaths Anonymous!’

What your best friend wouldn’t tell you, Angela?

‘Equals Training’ is a mediocre, vision-less name for a mediocre and vision-less ‘firm’. Except I did tell you, babe! Someone had to.

And anyone of any taste, discernment or brains can see it just from checking out your very own website.

Please stop insulting our intelligence, as well as your own. Service users don’t need or want this kind of flaky and immoral outfit fighting our battles for us. ‘I stand for something, and you won’t stand your ground for nothing’.

‘There’s a thin line between love and hate/And there’s a thin line between real and fake/ There’s a thin line between everything/ That’s why more times I don’t say anything’.

Kano, Grime MC.

The One with the Line Manager

Hi Peeps. Today , after meeting my Care Coordinator Wayne for coffee and breakfast we both turned up for an appointment with Gavin’s line manager at Haringey Council.

Wayne couldn’t stay long. I felt apprehensive as we phoned her extension and were let in. I had had dealings with her before, though only by email and letter. So I was all geared up to face yet more stonewalling.

As ever, though, I approached her with an open mind and heart, and she turned out to be a little bit of a star.

She was a quiet and gently-spoken black lady. She seemed to ‘get’ the situation that I described. I warmed to her, and she to me.

Gavin is not at work today but she undertook to speak to him tomorrow about trying to arrange another mediated meeting with Equals. Failing that, she said she would ask that they put their complaints against me in writing.

It’s been two good and productive days in The Campaign. What happened at DRA yesterday was immensely cheering, as were the supportive emails from my son, though he seems to be frowning at my decision to post them here. I told him if he objects I can take them down, but I felt they were far too wonderful to be kept to myself and the two parties concerned, Angela Salway and Richard Adam (ex best friend and partner respectively).

Glad the snow is melting, at least here in North London. I just can’t stand slippy sliding my way around the ungritted death traps that the pavements become.

Just one more way that pedestrians and non-drivers are punished for doing the right thing!

Later on today I have my counselling session and Alpha.

Lots of love and blessings, folks. Z xxx

Blowing the Whistle

How desperate does a girl have to be for her 14 year old son in foster care to have to intervene on her behalf?

Please note. Professionals, even the very good ones, have completely failed to bring a resolution to this situation that no vulnerable person should ever have to face.

Let’s face it. There are agendas. From the top, the idea of enabling and promoting a ‘social firm’ ticks all the ‘inclusive’ boxes, doesn’t it, Haringey Council?

That the firm in question turn out to be a ‘girl gang’ of (very) loose cannons to whom accountability is a foreign and unknown concept, is just plain inconvenient.

Regret to inform you, Haringey Council. The thirty thousand pounds (or however much) you paid them to run their appalling ‘course’ enabled them to make my life Hell for nine months, and I seriously doubt it helped anyone with a mental health problem get a job.

Please, next time you want to get a pat on the head from on high. Thoroughly check out the product you are paying for first. Proper professional accountability is not optional.

An Early Christmas Present

OK Guys. When all professionals fail, what’s a gal to do? Bring on the big guns, in the shape of my fourteen year old son in foster care! Have at you Gavin (and the rest)!

I tried

From: j
To: angela.salway@equalstraining.com
Subject: Plz take this in
Date: Tue, 30 Nov 2010 01:56:08 +0000

first things first i really dont want u to think that my mum has told me to do this, because she hasent. I know to u im only a child in all of this, but i do understand. Look, all i can say to u is my mum is a wonderful person and always will be and all i know is u and her have been close for years, i just wish u could both see past all thats happened, ill tell u now that ive emailed richard just before u and was talkin about memories, k im really not trying to warm ur heart so that u talk to mum but for some reason i always remember watchin chicken run with u, its so fuckin wierd whenever the film is mentioned, i remember both of us sitting on the sofa watching it, good times ay. Actually maybe i am trying to warm ur heart so that u talk to her, but to be honest i really dont give a fuck, as long as u talk to her. Just try Plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really dont know wat to say, other than life is so fuckin retarded, y r two good people that used to be really good friends arguing. At least try, i know im repeating myself but i just want it to sink in, adults never seem to understand me and i dont want u to walk away from this email thinking my mums using me as ammunition and that this email isnt genuine. Oh yh almost forgot its 1:55 and ive got school in the morning, just to prove i give a shit.

Love from J xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I tried my best

From: j
To: richardadam@blueyonder.co.uk
Subject: were all human
Date: Tue, 30 Nov 2010 01:33:52 +0000

Firstly, i dont want u to asume mum has told me to send this email.
Ive been sitting next to my laptop for like 20 mins trying to figure out what to say to really get ur attention but to be honest, im shit with emails and words.
I just cant believe uve broken up after everything weve been through, i mean shit i dont even know how many years u have been there for me and although ur not my dad ur the closest thing i have to one. I was looking at some old pictures i have and there was one of us building a snowman, when i was like seven, i had such a big smile on my face. You could say im just a child in all of this and dont understand, but thats not true. I know its hard to get back together because u just cant agree on anything at the moment.but at the end of the day my mum is a lovely person and so r u, its such a shame. Plz at least talk to her, she told me u blocked her phone calls and texts, because i asked her. Do u remember when i went to that black family, sorry to refer to them as that black family but they were lol. i wouldnt let go of ur leg because i wanted to stay with u. That always sticks out in my memory for some reason, u could say im tryin to guilt u into talking to her in a way, i mean the memories. But its genuine, i really dont know wat to say other than plz take this in. Plz dont ignore her. 1 more thing plz dont think shes using me as amunition against u because this was my choice.

love from J xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ps. I need u to drive me to contact so u cant go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pss. Its 1:30 am, thats how much i care!!!!