The last days were a tale of woe, depression, some agitation and being admitted to the Unit. I went down to my Mum’s place in a state of confusion and as a result of that she decided to come up and spend a few days with me here in London, while we would also attempt to get some contact with my son.
It went very badly at first. About as bad as it ever gets. Basically my Mum had made up her mind that I should ditch M, and instead of ditching, I let him come round and he was here when she arrived…
She experienced this as a betrayal on my part and a slap in the face. But I would be able to get no closure without seeing him again when I am at least kind of ‘on Planet Earth’. I had to know, was this a psychosis-fuelled folly or was there anything genuine there at all?
Anyway, in a blue funk of ‘total abandonment by everyone I ever loved including my mother’ I called M and he came round to see me at the Unit. We had some dinner in a restaurant and drove up around Ally Pally, saw a most beautiful, low, large moon.
The magic was still there, and I began to smile and laugh again.
Yeah we’re both not the full shilling. Yeah I’m very probably quite codependent, and he is prone to ongoing paranoid delusions and angry outbursts at times. We’re both grandiose at times.
Then again we were spending 24/7 living in each others’ pockets. I know now that we both need our own space. With some help and support from our respective staff who knows. It could still work.
There’s a good admixture of genuine feelings between us. But we both have to do our own thing and come together as and when, like ‘normal’ couples do.
The money issue is important. I can’t totally trust someone if they drain me financially and don’t pay back. He’s starting to pay back. He may come into a back payment of Social Security money. If that worked out he plans to pay me back for the car, and if it doesn’t he’ll pay in instalments, at least for half the car…
Glad I’m at the Unit. I’ve got the rather fabulous ‘penthouse suite’ at the top of the house. Own adjoining bathroom and no one else to share with.
Terribly sad that this stellar service in the dirty firmament of Haringey mental health is going to close in August due to funding cuts. I’m so grateful to Alexandra Road and its staff, despite a few blips when I was manic, for many years of care and support. Both staff and clients feel bereft. This place has undoubtedly saved lives over the approximately fifteen years since it opened. It’s shocking how low a priority the most vulnerable members of society really are.
There are no plans to replace it. The powers that be are indifferent to the suffering of those at the bottom of the heap…
Just wanna say right here, I am so grateful for the last two comments where some loyal readers affirmed the value of me and my blog.
I really do write here when I am in the fairly advanced stages of mania, down to the deepest depression. So it’s great that people can still relate to some degree and aren’t completely turned off by the manic excesses.
I can’t help being who I am. It’s too late in life to start being someone else, but I hereby pledge to keep trying to do my very best with what I’ve got.
What a difference a day makes. Mum and I amicable again. Thank God for that.
Heaps love folks. Z X