When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Archive for April, 2011

Bizarreness

M continues to amaze and confound me by turns. I have never met anyone remotely like him. So many different faces. So many distinct personalities. Such a performer. A natural.

I too have many different faces and have inhabited many different dimensions while in ‘mania’. I continue to have some visions even now I’m ‘stable’ and often I think my face is like a blank screen on which can be projected whatever the observer needs to see…

The turn my life has taken since last Christmas with the episode of the Romanians and M coming into my life is, at times exciting and at others, extremely scary. There is no script, no blueprint and no obvious role model. A lot of the time I feel guided, sometimes actually possessed, but there are also times of deep doubt and even despair.

It can also be incredibly lonely. There are inevitably times when M needs his own space and I can be left in some doubt as to the reality of our relationship in his absence. He is so extraordinary that I need his actual presence to confirm the reality of who he is and where I fit in to it all.

I know it all sounds crazy folks, but believe me, I spare you a great deal of what actually passes between me and M, because I don’t want to turn you off even more!

Bizarre would be an understatement.

And as a lifelong feminist and would be independent woman I find myself watching my man as if the sun really did shine out of his backside.

God knows what it’s really all about. And I mean that quite literally…

Heaps love. X

Early Morning Meditation

Lord of life.

Help me reconcile the many different dimensions I inhabit.

You gave me visions. May they never even indirectly cause harm to anyone. Give me the strength to operate effectively on the earthly plane.

Mundane reality can be so challenging Lord.

You helped me yesterday. I had some close and loving time with my son with your Grace. That meant so much to me Lord. Also I found that I was once again able to read a book after many months when I lacked attention and focus, and at times feared that I was permanently losing my marbles.

Yesterday and today I feel that I am not. That it was a temporary state because so much of my energy was going somewhere else Lord…

You brought someone into my life Lord to whom I could relate on a spiritual as well as physical level. I am so grateful for M Lord. If it is your will may we continue to help and support each other along our respective, difficult paths.

M inspires me by his simple powerful faith in You.

He seems able to cope with my moments, sometimes whole days, of deep doubt and even despair. I seem able to handle his difficulties, but only with your Grace and constant help Lord. It’s not an easy path. But it feels right for me.

M has taught me that You created evil as well as good Lord. Everything is under Your hand. You have in Your gift the treasures of darkness as well as light.

He has taught me about your terrible side Lord.

You have so many faces and you made us in your image Lord.

You are all love. You are all terror and darkness.

Watch over M and keep him safe Lord and empower me to do the same.

Watch over my son J at this most challenging time in his young life. Empower me to do whatever is best for him and to prove and show my enduring mother’s love at every step.

Thank you for your swift answer to my prayers yesterday. Give me the strength to endure the sometimes terrible suffering that accompanies the gifts you gave me.

May I live up to the powers you invested in me Lord. Teach me humility in whatever way you think best. Sometimes the most valuable lessons are only learned through suffering. You bring me so very low. You also raise me up and give me the strength to endure it.

With so very much love. Z X (more…)

Very Happy

Very happy folks. Very happy. Cos M and I still together, cos things seem to be working out, cos for a while I was scared I was going to have to lose him, cos I thought maybe the whole thing was a psychosis fuelled folly and cos now I realise it wasn’t…

I’d invested so much. Financially, but that was a drop in the ocean compared to the emotional investment…

I threw everything I had at this one folks, and if that didn’t work out, well I didn’t quite see how I would pick myself up off the floor and find the will to live again.

All the posts about our developing intimacy. And I would have to admit it was largely projection, mania, whatever.

I was a woman in desperate need of a partner. It may well turn out to make all the difference between a life back and forth from the mental health ward and a fulfilled and happy, stable one.

And that will all work out to the benefit of my son, who needs a happy fulfilled mother, not a desperate, manically depressed one…

Anyone see what I’m driving at?

Take care folks and thanks for reading…XXX

Scruples and Scrupulosity

Hi Peeps. Is my life a fit subject for public scrutiny? You decide! It is my life, I don’t make stuff up here, I love to write and communicate and deeply appreciate that anyone is interested enough to read it…

I’m aware that my anonymity is slightly compromised, and therefore that of my son. I don’t care who knows this stuff about me, but the moral issue is that my son might. However he has said in the past that he doesn’t.

I don’t want to compromise his privacy by talking too much about recent developments in his life, but he is in a residential care home quite near where I live and not too happy about it.

I’ve realised my priority number one is now to do my utmost to be in a position to have him come back and live with me as he has expressed a wish to do. He doesn’t want any more foster placements.

I spent one day in an awful blue funk about the relationship with M, a very high maintenance guy, facing that I was addicted to this relationship and that it might come down to a choice between him and my son.

But yesterday I met with him again and it seemed to me that I needn’t make such a devastating choice. If I did have to make such a choice my conscience would naturally dictate that I choose my son, but what I prefer to do is accommodate the needs of my son by making sure that M doesn’t impinge on his life.

We are no longer living in each others’ pockets, though we see each other every day. I am happier in the relationship than out of it, as M is extremely special to me and I need a partner in my life.

However the challenges to both of us are above and beyond what most people face. We both have a serious mental health condition. We’ve both been repeatedly abandoned by partners, or had to abandon them.

This and many other similarities in our make up are what makes this relationship so compelling to me. We’re a pair of desperadoes. I am powerfully drawn to him. When it’s going well it’s fantastic. Maybe I can learn some coping strategies for his paranoid rages. Maybe God will intervene…

Z X

Could This Be Love

The last days were a tale of woe, depression, some agitation and being admitted to the Unit. I went down to my Mum’s place in a state of confusion and as a result of that she decided to come up and spend a few days with me here in London, while we would also attempt to get some contact with my son.

It went very badly at first. About as bad as it ever gets. Basically my Mum had made up her mind that I should ditch M, and instead of ditching, I let him come round and he was here when she arrived…

She experienced this as a betrayal on my part and a slap in the face. But I would be able to get no closure without seeing him again when I am at least kind of ‘on Planet Earth’. I had to know, was this a psychosis-fuelled folly or was there anything genuine there at all?

Anyway, in a blue funk of ‘total abandonment by everyone I ever loved including my mother’ I called M and he came round to see me at the Unit. We had some dinner in a restaurant and drove up around Ally Pally, saw a most beautiful, low, large moon.

The magic was still there, and I began to smile and laugh again.

Yeah we’re both not the full shilling. Yeah I’m very probably quite codependent, and he is prone to ongoing paranoid delusions and angry outbursts at times. We’re both grandiose at times.

Then again we were spending 24/7 living in each others’ pockets. I know now that we both need our own space. With some help and support from our respective staff who knows. It could still work.

There’s a good admixture of genuine feelings between us. But we both have to do our own thing and come together as and when, like ‘normal’ couples do.

The money issue is important. I can’t totally trust someone if they drain me financially and don’t pay back. He’s starting to pay back. He may come into a back payment of Social Security money. If that worked out he plans to pay me back for the car, and if it doesn’t he’ll pay in instalments, at least for half the car…

Glad I’m at the Unit. I’ve got the rather fabulous ‘penthouse suite’ at the top of the house. Own adjoining bathroom and no one else to share with.

Terribly sad that this stellar service in the dirty firmament of Haringey mental health is going to close in August due to funding cuts. I’m so grateful to Alexandra Road and its staff, despite a few blips when I was manic, for many years of care and support. Both staff and clients feel bereft. This place has undoubtedly saved lives over the approximately fifteen years since it opened. It’s shocking how low a priority the most vulnerable members of society really are.

There are no plans to replace it. The powers that be are indifferent to the suffering of those at the bottom of the heap…

Just wanna say right here, I am so grateful for the last two comments where some loyal readers affirmed the value of me and my blog.

I really do write here when I am in the fairly advanced stages of mania, down to the deepest depression. So it’s great that people can still relate to some degree and aren’t completely turned off by the manic excesses.

I can’t help being who I am. It’s too late in life to start being someone else, but I hereby pledge to keep trying to do my very best with what I’ve got.

What a difference a day makes. Mum and I amicable again. Thank God for that.

Heaps love folks. Z X

Relief and Regrets

I am on one level relieved to be back on my own. Peace and some level of control over my own environment. I felt squeezed out of M’s world toward the end, as his delusions etc took over more and more.

Yesterday I spent some time at home, rubbing coffee stains out of the carpet and doing other chores. The oppressive depressive feelings lifted as the day wore on. I decided to tough it out and sleep in my own bed rather than impose myself on my ex again. I’m glad now that M and I only used the back room to sleep in, so that my own bedroom remained sacrosanct and separate.

He bought me a new and more effective Hoover before he left, cleaned up and mowed the lawn. When I asked him to he came and removed all his stuff including his pictures on the wall, and left his keys.

This made things easier for me. From feeling downright afraid and ‘oh no, not again, exploited by a predator’ I’ve come round to thinking this time I hooked up with a basically good guy who is at the mercy of his own demons, addictive patterns and mental illness.

We’ve both agreed to meet with staff present to discuss our relationship on Tuesday. I want our split to be amicable as that is easier on both of us and I don’t feel angry with him. He did his best and was wonderful to me most of the time. But we were like two home alone toddlers trying to play house and clinging to each other like a life raft.

My Mum is glad to have the ‘real’ Zoe back. When I am manic and grandiose (and yeah, that is a very narcissistic state) she gets pretty mad with me and we can’t really relate at all…

My care coordinator’s swift actions yesterday resulted in me getting a place in the Crisis Unit. A close friend is currently staying there so that will be great.

My Mum is also coming up today and we both hope we will be able to meet with my son, but he is in hideaway and elusive mode and obviously still going through a lot.

Thank you La and Puppet for your kind comments on the last post. I want to keep writing. It is my main creative outlet and I love it.

I am still a bit compulsive with smoking and coffee drinking but addictive patterns are not usually persistent with me and in time I am sure I will get back to my normal clean living patterns.

Lots of love X

Oh Dear.

Things with M have gone pear shaped. The demons may have been a bit much for both of us this time.

He developed a jealous paranoid delusion about me and banned me from going to his place, which I had been doing pretty much daily.

I don’t know if the relationship is gonna survive this. It’s not looking good.

And depressed and confused as I am I had another unpleasant comment on my blog which I immediately took to heart.

The lady or man ‘kola bear’ says I am ‘an awful person’, because I am narcissistic and have ‘total disregard’ for anyone else. S/he disapproves of my ‘campaign’ against my ex-employers saying it was ‘pathetic’.

Look I’ve gotta say I know I’ve been narcissistic the last few months, but I’ve also been on a manic high and in the early loved-up stages of what looked like a promising relationship (at least to my manic mind).

But I nonetheless sense an agenda of some kind when an apparent stranger suddenly launches in with ‘you’re an awful person’.

This is the risk we take leaving ourselves open and unguarded in a public space. It’s a kind of confessional.

I’m a complex person kola bear. I can be many different things, probably including ‘awful’ at times, but so can everyone else.

I’m often a bit embarrassed myself when I look back at previous posts. And no bipolar person can be a stranger to that feeling of ‘Oh God, did I really say/do/think that?’

I did initially trash the comment as hate mail but I’m addressing it here, because, depressed as I am, it touched a nerve. I’ve also had two lovely comments, one by email from a friend who finds my writing ‘impressive and inspiring’. You pays your money… Naturally my mental state dictates that I would be preoccupied with the negative feedback.

I’m going to the Crisis Unit tomorrow.

Love X