When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Archive for May, 2011


Anxiety of a quite severe kind piled on top of depression over the last week. Starting on the depot of Risperidone also seemed to have the side effect of making me feel dissociated, disconnected, cut off, though that could easily have been the anxiety and depression causing that. Whatever it was, it was scary and unpleasant. I felt, once again, as if I was permanently and irretrievably losing my marbles. It would be the very hell itself to live in that disconnected way, in constant fear of people, places, things and life in general…

Thank you to those of you who have contacted me since my confession of embarrassment, encouraging me to keep ‘sharing’ despite the often extreme ebbs and flows of manic or depressed mood.

I took a few days out from M to try and get my head together, but not seeing him just made me feel even worse. He has the happy knack of being able to cheer me up and distract me from my woes. Yes, my association with him has impacted badly on my bank balance, but what price happiness or even a little relief when you are in the pits? OK that does read like a drug addict’s manual. It’s a short term fix. But don’t knock it until you yourself are in as desperate a state as I have been just lately…

I do have narcissistic tendencies, as one negative commenter helpfully pointed out, and another implied. I am rather self- obsessed. But I read somewhere that one of the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder is lack of empathy, and that isn’t me. Quite the opposite. I tend to feel others’ pain all too strongly. My personal boundaries are faulty.

Been doing some Day Therapies at the local hospital. Music therapy (individual) and pottery were particularly helpful. I was in a bad way though, and felt in danger of heading back to the wards, this time with excruciating depression. The need for some gentle low-level activity in the company of other people was never greater.

My Mum is coming up today to attend a meeting at the home where my son is based for now, to discuss his future. His situation has been a major cause of anxiety to both of us lately. He is being influenced by the other boys in the home to smoke weed in one of its most noxious forms…skunk. His school attendance remains poor, perhaps unsurprisingly given this latest lifestyle choice.


How Embarrassing

Hi Folks. Well. This is embarrassing.

M and I are no longer together. I was tremendously into him, but I was also tremendously psychotic, unfortunately. And I come down from my ‘highs’ eventually, but he is sorta like that all the time so what happened was we kind of fed off each other’s psychosis.

I am now taking baby steps toward recovery. I’ve started on a depot injection of risperidone, an anti-psychotic. This was my idea, not something the ‘team’ suggested, and time will tell if this drug will succeed any better than the many others I have tried. So far I feel rather dissociated, sort of spaced out and a bit disconnected, which is unpleasant, but then again I do feel a lot calmer today.

Financially I am much the worse for the involvement with M. Ill-advised spending and allowing myself to be financially exploited are two of my more troublesome manic symptoms which naturally are a source of embarrassment and deep regret when I come down to earth.

I can only apologise for my wilder flights of fancy, but assure you that they were very much a product of the illness, and not characteristic of who I am normally…

Like I said before. It’s great to have this place as an outlet. However it also means that my psychotic ravings and rantings are out there for public consumption and I have to live with the embarrassment and fall-out as a result.

It’s a bit late to just delete the last four months (a mega-long episode of psychosis by my standards). I guess I’ll have to live with it.

Lots love a less loony Z X

Initiate Phase Two

M still leaves and he leaves without saying goodbye. But he no longer blames me for his leaving. We are getting to know each others’ ways. I am learning to trust that he always, always comes back and often with some kind of reward for my persistence.

M does not want to involve me directly in his battles with his personal demons. He prefers to fight them on his own. Having time apart helps us grow closer together and continually affirms the strength of the our bond.

I am a creative, he is a creative. I need my own space to find out more about my role and in order to work on my writing. He talks to God all the time and I am learning to do the same. I do not need to depend on him as a mediator.

Phase Two of a relationship is what happens following the honeymoon period where you want to be together all the time. Mine and M’s was very wild indeed. We spent a lot of money and had a great deal of sex.

Now we have to learn how to live together, be aware of each other’s needs, and separate individuality. So far it’s going well, though I have had periods of excruciating doubt and depression. They did not last long thank God.

I renew my vows to M, even though we’re not married. He shows me time and time again all the proofs I need that this is for real.

In case anyone was wondering or confused. I am not pregnant. I am 49 years old and it really would take a miracle, as I don’t have fallopian tubes. M is no respecter of the laws of science and biology. He believes in miracles, and seems convinced that I will have his child but who knows.

God knows.