When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Archive for October, 2011

Still Here.

Hiya folks. You might have been concerned that I’ve been out of blogging action for a few months.

I’ve been really low, and just struggling to get by from one day to the next.

Scared, petrified that I seemed to be losing even the mental powers that enable me to communicate here, as well as the ability to socialise in groups or with friends, or go to college and learn new skills.

I was very shocked and distressed by my son’s situation. Having him live here with me was a wake up call, showing me how needy he was and having to witness the fact that he is traumatised by his time in care. He has been flatly refusing to go to school. Nor would he countenance returning to any ‘care’ home. That would probably just cause him to smoke skunk and indulge in anti-social behaviour as he did a few months ago.

Here he isolated himself in his room much of the time. Hip hop message boards and such like claiming most of his time.

The weight of guilt and maternal anguish can only be imagined.

A terrible long drawn-out depression descended on me. MOnths and months of it. M and I still co dependent with each other. I tried and failed to attend a college course…the anxiety was sky high.

But at least today I feel the depression has lifted. Yesterday M and I took a walk in a big country park. God sometimes restores the fortunes of those who pray and are desperate.

And every cloud. I’ve lost a shedload of weight without even trying!

Lots love, Z X

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