This is, as so often with me, a quote from a song (The Killers, I believe).
How on earth does it relate to me? Well, I was reflecting that it’s been the longest time since I last felt human enough and hopeful enough to actually feel like committing words to this page. Depression saps me of the experience of being human, being a member of the human family, being more like my fellow homo sapiens than I am unlike them…
It’s a self-punishing cycle of thoughts which are anything but humane…
I’ve been a tightly wadded ball of purest rage. Unable to let it show, despising myself for faking it, unable to be real.
I could not play. My laughter was hollow and mirthless. I could not shed a tear no matter how sad I felt. I could not trust myself to create anything. I was deeply alienated from myself and others. I feared my own company and vacillated between the rock of loneliness and the hard place of exposure to others.
OK that’s what I couldn’t do. What I could do? Keep on exercising the body daily on long walks. Keeping the body washed and dressed in clean clothes. Feeding self. Speaking with counsellors. Attending various groups including group therapy/life skills which is my current favourite and is very healing to the trauma of having ‘failed’ at group therapy in the past. It’s run by a brilliant, very humane psychologist on the NHS so it also has the advantage of being free.
Up till a few days ago I was still with M. We were pretty much living together. Do we have a future together? I rather doubt it. Since he’s been gone I feel better. I sort of hope he stays away because I lack the ability to kick him out and he seems to have relieved me of that responsibility. I felt myself on the horns of a dilemma so acute and primal that I almost felt insanity beckoning if it were not resolved soon. I felt I could not live with him or without him, basically.
Hah! I noticed my stats went up inexplicably to a stratospheric ’13’ yesterday. 13 people viewed me. Though of course I’ve posted nothing here for, as I said, the longest time. Given my lack of response to comments, lack of posting, dearth of comments on other blogs etc, actually 13 views isn’t bad. There’s a seed of possibility there.
Thank you to those who have continued to check me now and again. Bless you peeps.
I feel human, and occasionally I might manage a few tentative dance steps…