Hi there. Had the tail end of a cold and cough that left me feeling drained of energy, so had a fairly quiet weekend. Spent most of it on the Suicide Project.
At least I don’t just lurk these days but participate by commenting and trying to support people. I seem to need these constant reminders that other people suffer too: it’s a reality check of sorts. Otherwise I can just feel so utterly alone.
I am able to give others the kind of affirmation that I badly need to give myself, and it is kind of working. Since I decided to adopt as my maxim that ‘No one person is worth more than another’ I have felt better in myself. I am trying to treat myself with the respect and kindness I can show towards others.
I posted on there about the partner dilemma. I sleep separately from M now. I prefer to have my own space and feel claustrophobic if I have to share the bed with him. We’re a bit like a long-married, jaded middle aged couple!
Since he went back on cannabis (after four years clean off all drugs including alcohol) he’s been skint, and he comes to me for money. This is obviously very problematic indeed. But I have to confess that I just don’t know how well I’d cope without him…I need SOMEONE.
I have a whole history of becoming psychotic and getting myself exploited by n’er do wells. The difference is that I am no longer psychotic, but as much in my right mind as I ever am. And still I’m being financially exploited.
On the plus side, he cooks, cleans, goes shopping and even tends the garden. While I was severely depressed for that period of over a year, I really needed someone to motivate me to get up and out of the house for exercise and fresh air. He did that. But his morals seem to be ‘a moveable feast’. When I ask him what he would do in my position, answer comes there none. I wonder if he didn’t manage to develop empathy in his life, because of childhood abuse.
Today is DRA day and I have to lead the meeting, so I’ll be getting up and out, hoping central London is not too chaotic with the Olympics and all. I watched the Opening Ceremony but haven’t felt inclined to watch any of the sport so far. I don’t mind a bit of athletics, and would like to see Usain Bolt etc, but I’m not really a sport fan and most of the events don’t interest me…
I watch a lot of Jeremy Kyle and am pretty much addicted to ‘human interest’ stories. Been cooking for myself and baking bread again. There isn’t really a lot to report, but they say no news is good news. I’m no longer depressed. There’s little in the way of drama. I love my home and am very lucky to have a house to live in, no question. I skipped church yesterday…again. Just didn’t like the thought of mixing.
A rather mundane Z x