When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Archive for July, 2012


All Quiet on the Eastern Front…

Hi there. Had the tail end of a cold and cough that left me feeling drained of energy, so had a fairly quiet weekend. Spent most of it on the Suicide Project.

At least I don’t just lurk these days but participate by commenting and trying to support people. I seem to need these constant reminders that other people suffer too: it’s a reality check of sorts. Otherwise I can just feel so utterly alone.

I am able to give others the kind of affirmation that I badly need to give myself, and it is kind of working. Since I decided to adopt as my maxim that ‘No one person is worth more than another’ I have felt better in myself. I am trying to treat myself with the respect and kindness I can show towards others.

I posted on there about the partner dilemma. I sleep separately from M now. I prefer to have my own space and feel claustrophobic if I have to share the bed with him. We’re a bit like a long-married, jaded middle aged couple!

Since he went back on cannabis (after four years clean off all drugs including alcohol) he’s been skint, and he comes to me for money. This is obviously very problematic indeed. But I have to confess that I just don’t know how well I’d cope without him…I need SOMEONE.

I have a whole history of becoming psychotic and getting myself exploited by n’er do wells. The difference is that I am no longer psychotic, but as much in my right mind as I ever am. And still I’m being financially exploited.

On the plus side, he cooks, cleans, goes shopping and even tends the garden. While I was severely depressed for that period of over a year, I really needed someone to motivate me to get up and out of the house for exercise and fresh air. He did that. But his morals seem to be ‘a moveable feast’. When I ask him what he would do in my position, answer comes there none. I wonder if he didn’t manage to develop empathy in his life, because of childhood abuse.

Today is DRA day and I have to lead the meeting, so I’ll be getting up and out, hoping central London is not too chaotic with the Olympics and all. I watched the Opening Ceremony but haven’t felt inclined to watch any of the sport so far. I don’t mind a bit of athletics, and would like to see Usain Bolt etc, but I’m not really a sport fan and most of the events don’t interest me…

I watch a lot of Jeremy Kyle and am pretty much addicted to ‘human interest’ stories. Been cooking for myself and baking bread again. There isn’t really a lot to report, but they say no news is good news. I’m no longer depressed. There’s little in the way of drama. I love my home and am very lucky to have a house to live in, no question. I skipped church yesterday…again. Just didn’t like the thought of mixing.

A rather mundane Z x


Have you tried switching it off and on?

Anyone see the sitcom ‘The IT Crowd’? That was a catchphrase as I recall. My silly old mobile was playing up, but I’ve fixed it now by the terribly technical procedure of taking the battery out then replacing it…

My cold is still affecting me, and the cough is truly awful, so I decided on balance not to join my Women’s Group down at the leisure centre in Tottenham. Weather a lot more comfortable today after our mini heatwave.

It’s the Olympic Opening Ceremony tonight, I believe. My CPN went to a rehearsal on Monday and says it was spectacular. I’ll be watching it on telly of course.

Lots love, Z x

Day in the Life

Hi there. I’ve still got a terrible cough. I think I’m paying for the many months of relatively heavy smoking I was doing up until three months ago, when I quit and got an electronic cigarette.

I cough so much and with wheezing too which is horrible, that my head hurts and I retch or vomit. It isn’t good. What’s worse it tends to come on in crowded public spaces like on the bus for instance.

The Ollympic Torch Relay passed near me just yesterday (I live near Alexandra Palace). Could not quite be bothered to face the crowds. But I am looking forward to watching the Opening Ceremony on TV tomorrow. I am a little caught up in the excitement, it’s hard not to be, because enthusiasm is contagious.

On the agenda for today is meeting my dual diagnosis worker Katrina for a chat, then having my depot injection of Risperidone. After that I can pretty much do as I please, and I like it that way, especially when the weather’s hot like this. May meet a friend for a cuppa later if I have the energy.

Love Z X


Aw bless!

It’s ten past six in the morning and M is busy. He’s just given the kitchen a deep clean that was long overdue and now he’s set to with the hoover. I love to watch a man clean!

I’ve really become a bit of a slut, house-wise. Maybe it’s the effect of having a willing pair of hands like his around. Or maybe it’s that I never wear my contact lenses any more, and rarely put on my glasses even. Ignorance is bliss and the ostrich can’t see the dirt so it doesn’t bother them.

His eyesight is good and he is an excellent housekeeper. I slip him a tenner or so when he’s particularly active like now, I think that’s only fair and it saves me hiring a cleaner…

I had my hair cut and I like it. A big improvement and now the weather’s hotting up again it feels cooler with less of it.

Since he’s been back we’ve got along famously and his conpany has been delightful.

My peer support group (drugs and alcohol) are going on a trip today down to the cable cars near the O2 Arena. I’d quite like to go, and my cough is a bit better so maybe I actually will. Yesterday I skipped DRA and went with M to Trent Park. It’s a massive country park in Enfield. He’s grown to love it almost as much as me. I love to share nature with a partner. We sat in our favourite spot down by the lake near the University (where I used to study) and watched the play of the ripples and light on the leaves above us. It looked a bit like fire and M was completely fascinated by it, thinking it a sign from God! Aw, bless.

I’m always much happier when things are going well with him and me.

Lots love folks, and enjoy this taste of summer (if you’re British).



But he came back again…

I kicked him out!/But he came back again, to the tune of Chumbawumba’s ‘I get knocked down’.

I am one big softie sometimes folks. He somehow melts my heart. I know some of you will curse and spit (only metaphorically) and say C’MON Zoe! But what are you to do when you kick him out and he’s all on his own in the Big Bad World without you?

He said he didn’t want to leave me alone either, but I pointed out that objectively speaking I am not nearly so alone as him. I still have friends (a few) and plenty of associates too who I see regularly. I’m involved in quite a few groups etc. He never really ‘gets me’. He’s always worrying that I’m ‘getting high’ when actually I’m way down in the dumpster and vice versa. He really has very little idea who I am.

I’m fed up with my hair. It’s long and red with no style whatsoever, as the layers have long grown out. I’ve decided to visit the hairdresser today and have a fringe and bangs cut back into it. At age 50 we need a style that’s going to lift our face a bit, and I read somewhere that ‘bangs’ can make you look ten years younger!!

I stopped wearing make up pretty much completely when M came into my life a year and a half ago. He doesn’t like it and thought I looked like a tart. Isn’t that sexist, and silly of me I suppose to fall in with his wishes, but maybe I’ve just got a little lazy as well. No one ever stares at me in the street now. I don’t really miss it as I wasn’t keen on being ogled when I was young and nubile. I do like to look nice though, well I guess we all do…

I’m a failure as an independent woman!! Z X



I’m evil I know. And villains always laugh uproariously don’t they! They’ve got a ‘wicked’ sense of humour.

Just that I was chatting to R my ex today and he told me Equals Training have been locked out of their own website for several weeks now and they’re getting a little desperate! As their ex web manager he (apparently) has the wherewithal to gain re-entry for them, but it involves filling in a form and though he doesn’t want to go out of his way to annoy them he doesn’t see why he should help them either.

I never told you. They did the dirty on him some months after they sh*t all over me. Replaced him, kicked him out with no good reason, cut him entirely out of the loop which he had never been included in in the first place, no proper explanation and no communication … are these indeed Boudiccas, as one happy customer described them? Machiavelli or Macbeth’s three witches is more like it. Ex friend Angela appears to continue to take Babs as a role model – the same Babs who wrote poison pen hate mail on my blog using someone else’s email address without telling him…

Sorry R, Babs, Angela. I shouldn’t still care about what happens to you. Just ‘what goes around comes around’ my dears.

Who says there’s no such thing as karma?

Never want to be ‘high’ again

My psych has added in lamotrigine (Lamictal), an anticonvulsant mood stabiliser to my drug cocktail. I’m now on Citalopram (SSRI antidepressant) 40mg daily, a depot injection of Risperidone (atypical anti psychotic) 25mg once a fortnight, take 5mg Procyclidine most days for side effects of that, plus the Lamictal, 100mg daily. More different meds than ever before, but not in the highest doses.

The Risperidone has done what it says on the tin…kept me free of psychosis for a year and four months. Thank God folks.

People often say ‘you haven’t been ill for a while’ or suchlike and I catch myself doing it too, but in actual fact bipolar depression can be a quite literally a killer and I had that for well over a year as I said in a previous post.

I don’t miss the highs and I especially don’t miss laying waste to my own life and relationships as a result of disastrous judgment calls while manic and psychotic.

Psychs often don’t even prescribe anti depressants to bipolar people because of the fear of flipping them into mania. But I think many of them do actually know that the depression needs to be addressed with the same care. I believe the figure for suicides among bipolar folks is 15-30%…that’s way higher than in the general population, obviously. My psych (who doesn’t know me well) to his credit, took very seriously my suicidal ideation of a few weeks ago. He quizzed me about methods I’d been considering, and I admitted to ‘asphyxiation with inert gases’, in other words the ‘helium hood method’. He wouldn’t prescribe me any benzodiazepines which disappointed me as I find them a good sleep aid when I’m a little ‘buzzy’ but he did come up with the idea of Lamictal which has helped me before and is especially good for bipolar depression. So yay for him.

It might be my advancing age (well, I’m 50) that has caused me to be WAY more depressed than manic. I’ve also gone through menopause. The end of a close friendship and a long-term relationship in hugely upsetting circumstances a couple of years ago (see the Equals saga). Then there’s been the major emotional trigger of my son’s difficulties.

Now that I’m no longer depressed I don’t see that situation as being exceptionally difficult when placed alongside many other people’s issues. It’s my private ‘cross’ but we all have those.

Some bipolar folk do talk of ‘missing the highs’. I don’t miss them, and would rather be depressed even though it’s a condition I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

I never want to be ‘high’ again and hope I never am…