When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

What’s New?

Kicked out M again yesterday. He is taking the p**s. Expecting me to help fund his drug habit, no less! Umm, I don’t think so!

It’s lonely, but what the heck. I’m coping. Get out of the house most days to a group or a meeting. When I’m home I drink copious quantities of coffee and tea. Been cooking delicious chick pea curries and such like.

This afternoon it’s Group Therapy, one of my favourite things (I know that’s a little weird!) Though if left to myself I would rather stay home and watch repeats of Jeremy Kyle on ITV2. That’s another of my relatively harmless addictions. I get so absorbed in the human stories. When that’s not on I’m usually to be found online on Suicide Project. Is this what people mean when they say ‘misery loves company’?

Just lately I’ve felt disinclined to go out but I still do. It takes all my strength sometimes. It’s not like me to retreat so deeply into my comfort zone. I’ve always been quite community oriented. I feel like almost giving up on some friendships, and others have just fallen by the wayside because of my long periods of depression when seeing people socially is little but a source of anxiety. Sad isn’t it? I’m not making many new friends either. Haven’t had it in me lately.

It’s not right but it’s OK, as Whitney used to sing.

Got in trouble with my counsellor for sending my son a link to something I’d written (about how he came into this world) on The Suicide Project. So now I am encouraging my son to commit suicide? I really am the mother of all bad mothers. That made me a little mad. They all see him as this ‘poor’ child who needs protecting, when actually he’s 16 going on 45 and we his family could use a little protection from him…

The counsellor felt the need to notify her supervisor (a ‘child protection’ issue) and the supervisor called me. She said she found Suicide Project ‘disturbing’. Maybe she also finds The Samaritans ‘disturbing’ because they often are found discussing suicide with their callers? There’s such a taboo around the whole topic. That just increases people’s isolation. I happen to know my son has regularly googled far more disturbing things than that!!

I guess the counsellor knows she and her ilk would find themselves on the dole if people who are suffering had the temerity to attempt to support each other, which is what The Project is all about.

Duh!

A tetchy Z x

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