I woke up in an absolutely foul mood this morning. I was on the sofa because I couldn’t bear to sleep with M. He, as usual, suffers no twang of conscience for kicking me out of my own bed! What’s up then Zoe? Oh, where do I start.
I want to kill him right now. He’s giving me little choice but to go to his care coordinator tomorrow and tell him what’s going on. Cause they hold some power over him. I hold none. I can’t even get him to listen to me. Obviously this situation is unsustainable. He’s sedulously ignoring my oft-expressed wish that he leave. He lives in a world of his own creation. Quite possibly the most truly psychotic person I’ve ever known. And the weed has made him even worse. He now has NO motivation to get up, out of the house and mix with people for any reason at all. All he does is shop (when he has money), eat, play music, sing, pray and smoke weed. Oh, and occasionally, harangue the world at the top of his voice for not being nice enough to him. Everything is self-centred.
How could I ever have been taken in by this person!! OK I was psychotic, but then I got ‘better’, in a deep hole of depression for 16 months and I STILL didn’t succeed in kicking him out (not for the want of trying). And admittedly he was clean off everything back then, so he couldn’t cut himself off to this extent. I’m angry at this bloody cannabis that people say is so non-addictive, ‘spiritual’, therapeutic and what-have-you. It’s just aiding and abetting him to be even more paranoid and isolated than he was before. And his ‘workers’ KNOW he’s on it, they even knew he was smoking and driving. They’ve done a big zero. As long as it’s not crack they seem to consider it not that big of a deal.
Well they need to know that at least 80% of his benefit goes on it now. That he pawned the diamond ring I gave him back when I was manic. That he gave away his BlackBerry for some weed. That he comes to me when he runs out of money and has nothing to eat. That he complains of being ‘poor’ and that the Government don’t give him enough (he’s on the highest rate of DLA, like me). And that I persist in somehow feeling responsible for his sorry ass.
Well, I need to speak to the people who really ARE, in a way, responsible for him. They’re being paid to be.
I know I’m trespassing on my readers’ patience – and that of my real life friends for that matter – by bringing you my tales of M, who most of you told me was bad news quite a while back. But the whole situation has gone quite sharply downhill over the last months since he returned to smoking weed. I will never again buy into the idea that weed is a relatively harmless drug. For those who can smoke a £20 ‘draw’ once a week or so, it may be. But he is utterly compulsive in everything he does. He just can’t get enough of the stuff. At taxpayer’s expense.
Oh reader, I’m SO fed up.
Another thing that’s bugging me is this. I discovered an old friend of mine, who I met up with again quite recently, has succeeded in getting a ‘personalised budget’. I and most others that I know of, have not. He’s been able to hire a cleaner, a ‘personal assistant’, and buy a lap top. He’s on the same benefits as me. I have to admit that, while pleased for my friend, I am spitting feathers over this. My CPN is really negative about my, or anyone else’s prospects of getting a personalised budget. Yet I need one every bit as much as my friend! And for years, the local council (Haringey) have been banging on about how this was the way of the future etc.
I’m frustrated with myself too of course. I’ve been out of the service user loop for almost two years (thanks to M). I’ve let things slide, and tho’ I have obtained a ‘self-assessment’ form to begin the process I find myself unable to sit down and complete it without some help and moral support from a professional who knows the territory. My CPN has been to ‘panel’ for several of her clients and had, apparently, NO success whatever. So she’s clearly not the one to help me. Just what IS she good for, except giving me a needle in the bum every two weeks?
I want to stop the depot and go back on oral meds. It was my decision to go on it in the first place, so there can be no reason why I should not come off it. And I want to ask for a change of care coordinator as well. I’ve been told this may result in my ending up with no CC at all, but I don’t see how they could justify that. I got lumbered with this CPN because I chose to go on the depot, and would have much preferred a social worker, as I had before. So going on the depot was not the good idea it seemed when I was psychotic and copying M like a duckling following its ‘mother’.
My God Zoe. So many misjudgments. In so little time.
Thank you for letting me vent dear readers. It helps to keep me, maybe not sane, but saner than I would be otherwise.