When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Rambling Update

Just checking in. Last night I felt my spirits sag. I had some slightly disturbing dreams, coughed a lot in the night, and woke up feeling rather low.

This I guess is par for the course. I’m having to come to terms with a disappointment, a disillusionment about something/someone that was important to me for the best part of two years. Of course there is gonna be some pain associated with letting go of that, and of that person. I also have to accept that I was misguided, and forgive myself for my mistaken belief in this relationship. It wasn’t right for me, it never could be right for me, and yet I deluded myself into believing he was my soulmate.

But such harsh lessons are a part of life. My relationship with reality itself has always been somewhat challenged to say the least, even without the psychosis, but look. I did wise up in the end. Better late than never, eh? It amounts to one year and nine months of my life, and for most of that I was either psychotic or depressed.

So cut yourself some slack Zoe. This is not the end of the world, however crap you feel right now.

I managed to pluck up the courage to phone the foster carer to ask after my son last night. His social worker visited last week and was very pleased with him…she saw a big change. He is doing all of the basics. Getting washed and changed every morning, wearing clean clothes (hmm, didn’t ask if he is brushing his teeth!), going downstairs for breakfast and dinner with the family, spending time out of his room, keeping his room reasonably clean and tidy. When at the table with the family he is chatty and communicative, and he gets on well with the other foster child, an eleven year old boy.

He has still to get out of the house much, though he goes to the shop and sometimes the supermarket to buy his sweets or whatever, and went for a walk uptown and to the sea front with the social worker for a couple of hours.

These are the baby steps that we knew he would need to take, and he’s taking them. The foster carer is positive about how he’s been. She knows he now needs to be prodded toward taking a college course or at least learning some survival skills for when he will have to live independently at 18 – cooking for instance.

He saw my Mum last week and was a bit negative about the placement to her, but from what the foster mum tells me he’s doing all right and has certainly not been oppositional to her or complained that he doesn’t want to be there.

She did ask him if he wanted to talk to me but unsurprisingly, he didn’t.

I immediately phoned my Mum to reassure her. She hasn’t phoned up the place at all. Like me, she doesn’t want to hear bad news. But it’s all good so far. She bought him some special old-fashioned sweets that he likes and is going to send them in a parcel. Gosh, we shouldn’t be encouraging his sweet habit. But I know she has so many mixed emotions about the end of his stay with her, having to send him away again…it was the hardest thing, maybe even worse for her than me, because she was the one this time who felt she’d ‘failed’.

I don’t think I told you about all of that. The day the foster carer came to take him away, and all the resistance he put up. Mum and I were like ‘good cop bad cop’ and I was the bad cop. I was very very clear that he had to go whether he liked it or not. She was more likely to get pulled into his various attempts at manipulation. More than anything I felt protective of my Mum. She was so drained toward the end, and he put her through hell really.

I sometimes worry about putting this stuff up here because of confidentiality issues. But this is such a valuable outlet for me. Plus it genuinely is a good record to have of everything that’s taken place. Of course, there are bits missing, as I don’t write it religiously but when I feel inclined to. I could wish my own identity was a bit more secret. Not for myself – I couldn’t care less really – but for my boy. What to do. I suppose the damage is done.

He once commented here that he didn’t care anyway, but he is young and liable to change his mind. Well if he does, I will see what i can do – maybe changing my email address or removing it if I can. I have never had any reader abuse the information though. Not one rogue email or anything like that.

Today I am off to a big extravaganza event in Tottenham in honour of World Mental Health Awareness Week. I will probably meet up with a lot of people I know that I haven’t seen in a while because I’ve been out of the loop for the last 22 months or so. I used to be a little bit of an activist, and did quite a bit of service user consultation work and suchlike. Maybe I can get back to some of that. We’ll see.

Take care folks and have a good day..

Zoe x



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