When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Shame

Oh God. I’m so ashamed.

M came round first thing this morning – I’d just literally tumbled out of bed – to pick up some of his stuff (there’s too much for him to take all at once). He was batshit crazy. It was so obvious. He was singing in this way he has. He has music on and he sings along with it whatever is on his mind. It usually involves threatening people with hellfire if they don’t change their ways. This time I heard him sing, just before he left, ‘You brought it on yourself/I was just a baby/I couldn’t help myself ‘.

God could anything be more apt than that…and liable to ram the point home once and for all. It seemed to be directed right at me. Of course by taking that attitude he conveniently absolves himself of all responsibility for his life, but he’s been doing that forever, and I somehow didn’t see it.

I on the other hand cannot excuse myself that easily. And this whole sorry tale of M and me. I brought it on myself.

That’s not the sole source of my shame. Looking at M now I just don’t know or understand what I was thinking. Falling for him and remaining in his thrall for so long.

Admittedly he is doing much worse than he was when he was clean off all drugs. But all the signs were there that this man hated the entire human race, and did I honestly think I would be any exception. It wasn’t for nothing he had no friends. He chose not to. If you don’t like anyone, how do you set about making friends?

I wanted to blog here about my shame, because I’m aware of it when I talk about this situation to friends and acquaintances (like in my Women’s Group which is today). How can I explain that I was in love and shacked up with a complete lunatic who shouts and sings about hellfire and damnation in public places, and I accepted that and justified it to myself most of the time? The people I hang out with the most don’t have serious mental health problems. They are ex-addicts. How can I expect them to understand the choices I’ve made?

I shudder even to think of their reactions if I explained how I aided and abetted this person to openly and volubly express his hatred and resentment to the world?

Oh God. The shame.

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