When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

I Choose to Live

Should I start tweeting on my new Nokia Lumia? Such are the earth shattering decisions I have to make. It’s a sunny Saturday morning and I’m very glad that I have somewhere to go today – theatre group in Tottenham. If I didn’t I’m afraid I would get to brooding…

Check out Jen’s latest post: http://www.suicidalnomore.com/2012/10/how-i-found-hope.html In honour of Mental Illness Awareness Week she urges us all to do whatever we can to bring mental illness out of obscurity to the forefront of people’s minds. To get people talking about it. To let them know that many of us, like her, are choosing to live with the extra challenges we face.

She’s an incredibly brave person and I believe, has found herself a vocation in speaking out for recovery and hope.

You’ll notice a shift in my thinking from my months of heavy involvement with the Suicide Project. Yes, I go there far less often. When I do, please note I’m not in any way looking for innovative new ways to kill myself, but just checking what’s new and what the regular posters and commenters are saying now. Like all such websites and forums, it is, after all, full of the richness and variety yet universality of the human experience.

But choosing to be around positive people (whether online or in real life) is key to keeping me upbeat and forward-looking, and stopping me lapsing into self-pity and brooding.

I logged into my Twitter account and boy oh boy was I embarrassed. I opened it while in quite a severe episode of psychosis and it shows. In recent years, one of the things I do when psychotic or hypomanic is communicate compulsively online using media I normally wouldn’t such as chatrooms and Twitter…even Facebook on occasion (shudder).

Excruciatingly embarrassing though this later is, it actually represents a vast improvement on the old days when my urge to ‘party party party’ would have me compulsively texting friends a lot of nonsense (risking losing them in the process) not to mention running around the streets and frequenting places where I would invariably hook up with someone unsavoury. These days my self-preservation instinct (and maybe the mellowing of age) keeps me largely indoors and online. Definitely a lot safer.

So I spent about an hour deleting almost all evidence of my former Twitter exploits, changing my username which was ‘vomitorium’ – I think I won’t go into why at risk of giving ‘too much information’ except to say being ill seems to make me literally sick – to the more neutral ‘bipolarzone’. I hope this represents progress, though it remains to be seen whether I will actually begin tweeting on my Lumia phone.

Oh, and yesterday I cancelled my TV licence which will save me about £15 a month. I never watch any. I can’t be bothered with tracking down the few worthwhile programmes that do appear, and can probably watch them online at a later date without contravening the rules in any case…

I won’t feel deprived while I’ve got my trusty Radio 4.

I know this post borders on the completely mundane and inconsequential. Proving we bipolar types can bore with the best of  ’em.

Love xx


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