When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Will I Ever Learn?

Hello Peeps. I’m in a somewhat self-hating mood this morning. All manner of muddles first thing this morning. Was going to go for my depot injection of Risperidone to the health centre, and apologised to my care coordinator by text for criticising her to the doc in front of her last week. She texted me back saying I was now officially on oral meds, as I had requested last week. She had to then phone the Home Treatment to let them know that I needed the meds, as the GP could not see me today. At first the Home Treatment said they could not come today, but then they phoned me back saying they would visit tonight. This small mix-up left me feeling stressed.

I also had to phone the washing machine repair people this morning to make an appointment. The first time I tried I was in a crowded cafe with my mobile and I couldn’t understand a word the guy was saying. When I got home I tried again on the landline and was able to understand the guy this time. They are coming this afternoon at 3pm.

The other day I let the charming sociopath no 2 take my last Nokia mobile phone (a fairly basic model): he said he would give me £20 for it next week. I realised the next day that I might need the old phone as backup. I thought at first he’d taken my sim card but then I found it…I texted him saying, look, it’s only on loan, I want it back. He kept replying with more blandishments but not answering what I said. I was getting more and more frustrated and stressed out. I was angry with myself, and woke up with self-loathing this morning, because I felt I’d let another psychopath rip me off again!

I wonder where this is going to end. I’ve really got to wise up. There is definitely a pattern emerging. Why do I continue to attract these people, even when I am just becoming fully aware of what they are? When psychotic I invariably get sucked into someone’s sob story and for some unknown reason, I start handing out cash! I feel so guilty about all the money I’ve given away over the years to drug-addicted ne’er do wells …  government money funded by the taxpayer.

Is it manic guilt, and IS there such a thing? Or is it just simply that, while psychotic, I tend to feel like a millionnaire with a Robin Hood-style desire to redistribute wealth from the rich to the poor as it were?

I was disgusted when M once complained that he didn’t get enough benefits, after spending approx £200 per week on cannabis! But some people might reasonably feel disgusted with me for the good money I’ve thrown away after bad while in a manic episode.

Of course there are far worse cases than mine. I never normally intend to play the system and most of the time I am careful with money (that’s how I come to have extra in the bank to begin with!). My manic episodes are pretty rare these days. I know people who receive high rate disability money and spend it all on crack, or other addictions, like the shopaholism that affected M. Though I could devoutly wish I didnt know such people and go out of my way to avoid them when in my right mind.

I owe it to myself and the tax-payer to sort myself out and get to the bottom of my own motives. Then again, manic depressives are well-known for going on spending sprees and otherwise recklessly draining their accounts when manic. I won’t be alone there … The only difference is that I allow others to do it for me.

I’m being assessed for counselling this afternoon. I hope the counsellor I get assigned to knows something about psychopathy because I’m going to want to discuss the subject and its effect on me. Psychopaths are often known to fool psychotherapists and other ‘experts’. If this counsellor takes the view that ‘there is good in everyone’, things are going to be tricky already.

Muddles galore.



Comments on: "Will I Ever Learn?" (3)

  1. Bristol Michael said:

    Really effective though risperidone is at keeping psychosis at bay, it’s not wise to take it orally for more than a year or so. It is stored in the liver and in time is likely to lead to the mother and father of all IBS (as my wife can confirm). Eventually (after nine years in P’s case) it will cease to work because the liver will be too used to it. Not that I’m trying to put you off now, simply warning you to keep as it were your abdominal eyes open. As to acquiring another narcissitic hanger-on, silly thing to do. You’re worth a lot more than that, Zoe! 😉

    • Hey, that’s definitely worth knowing Michael! I’m going to research that a bit further. So a depot injection of Risperidone wouldn’t affect the liver in the same way? Of course I don’t know how long it will continue to work, some of these medicines definitely lose their efficacy over time.

      Yes, I know it was pretty silly. Sort of being hypnotically dragged back to the same old experience. It has the appeal of the familiar. Well, he’s nowhere near as persistent or sticky as M. He’s buggered off now. Thank God, and thank God I didn’t give him anything else. I got off lightly with this incorrigible jailbird.

      Thanks Michael. Z x

  2. Bristol Michael said:

    You don’t have depot injections every day, which gives the liver a bit of time to do its job, and in most cases people move on from the injections. I’ll ask my sources if there’s anything else to be said and let you know. P now takes quetiapine tablets, not quite as effective but they work well enough with sodium valproate. Horses for courses, of course [oh dear, groan, what a coarse pun], she’s diagnosed as bipolar type 2. I repeat I’m not suggesting you change anything now, “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it” (Mark Twain), just keep an eye on it, I suggest, and ask your GP and CPN to do the same. 🙂

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