When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Self-Recriminations

Is there hope for me? Of course. While there’s life, there’s hope.

I was still struggling with feelings of self-loathing today. How could I be so badly taken in by M, to find out that my ‘soulmate’ was a violent monster. Then as if to compound my mistake, I actually let the other character into my house (he had stalked me to the end of my road basically…) and he ended up disappearing with my old mobile phone. He’s now incommunicado.

Well, it could have been worse. The phone wasn’t worth much, and I did say he could have it. But I gave him £20 a few weeks ago as well. Something about the guy makes me open my hand and say ‘here you are’, as if he were the Prodigal Son.

This has got to stop.

My loneliness and insecurity make me a perfect target for these scumbags. I need to find myself some boundaries and self-esteem from somewhere before I am finally rendered homeless and bankrupt.

The shame over all of this (especially the M saga) doesn’t help needless to say. But I’ve got to allow myself time to heal.

I said to my friend today, it may be an idea to tell my bank to remove the overdraft facility on my account. I can then send any excess funds to my Mum to look after, so that I simply don’t have the money there where I might be tempted to spend, or give it away.

Technology, in the form of all kinds of gadgets, gizmos and electrical goods, has become my personal nightmare. It’s streaked ahead of my ability to understand it. I also dread losing things and the bags and cupboards full of stuff that I don’t have the courage or motivation to look at. I don’t know what I’ve got and what I haven’t.

This is why I need a Personal Assistant. I talked on the phone to my Care Coordinator yesterday. She sounded VERY upset and emotional. I obviously really hurt her feelings. I apologised and tried to calm her down. She finally agreed to continue with the application for my personal budget. I feel bad about having criticised her to that awful doctor. The doctor was much worse than her… I was so frustrated about the personalisation thing, and also really missed having a care coordinator I could actually talk to. Is it so much to ask?

I’m now on oral meds. No more depot injections.

This blog is pretty much a diary at the moment. Maybe not particularly enthralling reading, but it helps me order my thoughts a bit, and I need an outlet. I had an assessment for counselling but was told I would probably be waiting for six to eight weeks. I have an assessment at another organisation as backup. Maybe they’ll be able to come through with something a bit sooner.

Still considering my options regarding voluntary work. Hopefully the return of self-respect and esteem will occur before too long if I just keep doing the next right thing.

xx

 

 

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