When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…


Hi Peeps.

I have little spring in my step or tiger in my tank right now. I’m invited to several Christmas parties, but I want to flunk them all. I will struggle making small talk. I won’t find it easy to feign an interest in others’ lives that I don’t feel. I’m not good at subterfuge and faking it, though lately I spend most of my social time doing just that. I’m tormented by thoughts of my own inadequacy and comparative worthlessness. I don’t like confessing this. I fear alienating even you, loyal and patient reader.

But what the heck. You’re probably able to relate at least a little bit. I’m still human aren’t I? Not some kind of ill-fated freak of nature.

As well as recovering from a psychopathic ‘relationship’, I have chosen to invest myself in several different support groups. Three of them are for ex-addicts. I’m even a failure at being a proper drug addict, lol! This wretched condition of bipolar pushes all other problems to the side. It’s hard for me to admit this, but even harder to pretend to be ‘normal’.

Today I’m going to meet a friend for coffee. Needless to say, I don’t want to go. The day I skip out of the door looking forward to socialising has not dawned for some considerable time, and when it does happen, it is probably a sign of encroaching hypomania. What a doggone life. I’m damned if I do or don’t. Caught between a rock and a hard place. The devil and the deep, well you get the picture…apologies for a surfeit of cliches. I am a cliche right now.

I want to flunk out of life itself. Yet that’s not an option, dammit.


Comments on: "Blechhh." (5)

  1. The Ranting Git said:

    Yep – damned if you do or don’t. Yer braver than me since you do get out to your groups and things (indeed practice does help) which is more than I do. At the moment I’m almost feeling celebratory… why? Because I’ve just flunked out of an engagement tonight! I’ll be damned for that but I couldn’t care less.

    My brother is coming over for 24 hours on one of his very rare trips. He’s got a full day scheduled and he’s allotted us time tonight. Two snags – it’s for a meal and it’s in a pub. The meals there are very nice BUT a few days ago when I was there, I felt like a goldfish in a bowl as everyone around me were continuously babbling LOUDLY which gave me a headache and made me feel isolated. After the meal tonight, it’s pub quiz time. I HATE pub quizzes. I also hate it when my brother hits the bar since he gets incredibly stupid when he’s drunk, so technically I’d have very little chance to talk to him soberly, plus would have to endure a lousy quiz where I struggle to hear the damn questions anyway and be surrounded by a load of strangers busy enjoying themselves all the while wishing I’d stayed at home. My Mum didn’t confirm whether I was going or not until a few minutes ago… I didn’t think I had much choice in the matter but the choice was given to me and I opted out.

    My brother won’t be very pleased but I’m doing a favour because I’d only be sat there like a lemon giving off the “Damn… I wish I wasn’t here” vibe. Also my brother would be constantly badgering me to drink… I can’t drink in public places… at home, I’m fine, but in public, can’t handle it. It’s not so much that I don’t want to go, it’s because I just can’t handle it right now. I need to get out and do some Christmas shopping tomorrow so will need all my wits about me… go out tonight and I’ll be in a bad mood tomorrow, so weighing up the lesser of the two evils… ah… great fun this Bipolarity lark eh?

  2. Another interesting blog entry, Zoe…You are putting others above you most likely because your self-esteem isn’t what it once was – or could be again with the right attention.

    I totally get what you are saying about associating happy feelings ie. ‘having a spring in your step’ with hypomania and this is very sad. I do the same thing and so put am far more miserable, unspontaneous/not free for it.
    A friend told me not suppress the joyful part that goes with hypomania because the miserable control freaks in our society have ‘won’ then….Don’t know what you think about this point, Zoe?
    Coincidentally , I mentioned to my therapist only yesterday that I deliberately dull my affect so as not to be considered to be ‘high’ in any way. Even if this means I find myself crying too much and struggling against suicide ideation, which is a known side effect of the Clonazepam I am taking. I AM FRIGHTENED THESE DAYS TO ENJOY ANYTHING. He said he thought this was going a bit too far. I think he may have thought i was exagerrating. I have NO self-esteem in the therapist’s chair and sometimes am very disconnected from what i actually say. i connect self-esteem with working, contributing to society and all.
    It seems that psychiatrists dish out depression -inducing drugs to patients willy nilly to people who , like me, suffer from manic depression ! What is going on ?

    I think the fear of St Ann’s is ruling us both, Zoe and the fact of your ex-loved one being imprisoned right now and him not being able to ‘protect’ you anymore is probably making you try to be super-controlling of yourself. (Not sure if this observation makes sense to you or not? It is how i reacted myself so i am just comparing notes, really.)

    I guess the parties might be alcohol-free. If not, why not get a bit tipsy and let your hair down for a change? I am sure the Risperidone will knock any mania on the head and anchor you again. Why not get a bit merry and join in with the festivities?
    I have been invited to one pre Christmas party with old friends who are mostly high flyers in my book so I would spend the time with that particular bunch feeling ‘less than’ and trying too hard to be light and humorous company. After parting their company the internal assassin would give me a hard time so I won’t put myself through it.

    I don’t think I am oppressed by envy; I am more oppressed by envisaged judgements by other people – by stigma.

    Thanks, again, for another interesting piece of writing. Katy 🙂

  3. Sorry for typos (above). I was a bit tired when I wrote it…I hope you are having a good day and that you enjoyed the pantomime. Katy

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