When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Archive for October, 2014

There’s Gonna Be a Backlash Against Technology

Those words actually come from a Nitin Sawhney album entitled Prophecy which has long since fallen out of my possession. Just tried to post you a link to it but that’s beyond my current capacities so that will have to wait. Edit, can’t find the full album, but here’s the track I refer to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBZpbka_A3w

It’s well worth a listen, but I am seriously out of it Peeps. I can’t compose coherent text. I am stoned on N.

I was crashed out on the sofa until my Baby phoned on the landline from the ward.

There was some problem with our respective phones today and I thought he was ignoring me.

Fuck technology I say!

Can’t make sense though. Still too out of it.

Hope this won’t fuck up my sleep pattern too much, but I think not because I am seriously exhausted. Had an absolutely horrible day. Looking forward to going to sleep in my bed with my headphones blaring.

:Love you Peeps, even in my drugged-up stupor.

And I will never die. So I’ve got a lot of time to love you.


PS Here we are. The visuals are a bonus.


I’ve Said Enough.

Don’t wanna talk no more. Got feck all to say.

M and I went to Camden today. I was dancing and singing on the tube and that. As you do.

Got a new IPod Nano. The old Shuffle had died on me and besides, I needed more control over what I’m listening to.

When I’m with M the rest of the world mercifully recedes, but as previously noted on this blog when he was in my life before, he’s a bit like a drug. When we have to say goodbye and he goes back to his incarceration in a forensic mental health unit (yes, this is how they treat my beloved soulmate – a fecking danger to society haha! Maybe they’re not so far wrong!) I feel so freaking lonely and sad. I have no interest in anyone else to be perfectly honest.

I said before I seek a platform to share my experiences but the last few days I’ve realised I don’t even wanna talk. I’m still very much an introvert. I wanna stop this freaking merry go round and get off the damn thing.

I just uploaded a video to my YouTube Channel of me freaking out to Coldplay lolol. That’s the best contribution I feel able to make to the sum total of the world’s happiness. If only more people would get over themselves and sing and dance to THEIR IPods on the Tube, the world would be a whole lot better and more fun.

When and if it finally downloads I’ll try and put it here but in all honesty I’m fucked off, wanna die, wanna leave the planet, Truly don’t know how much more of this I can take Peeps.

I dedicate this to my beloved soulmate, the only person in this world who loves and understands me it would seem. And I dedicate it to myself, because I am the Blackheart Man too.

Aaargh, Save Me Amy!

This world disgusts me right now…

They killed you Amy and so many other special people. Maybe they can still kill me too. Except that I already died.

That’s not a lot of words but it’s still too many. I should no longer have to speak.

Fuck most people up the arse with a fuckin’ chainsaw. Ebola is way too good for them. May they be torn to bits by wild animals.

The effort of getting washed and dressed in the morning is Herculean, when you have nowhere to go, no one to see and nothing to do, and when you are quite literally surrounded by fuckin’ idiots.

Look At Me World, Lol!

My own YouTube Channel now, lol?

Hahahaha! Better think of something to say now huh?


Well, all’s well that ends well I guess. Apologies to the SP Admin – he didn’t actually ban me for arguing with his allegations. The problem was I had two accounts, one of which had been banned (you’re only allowed one) and had logged in under the wrong account.

So a big THANK YOU to SP admin for that.

But I daresay I will be feeling paranoid about every word I write on there for some time to come.

I’m in  a kind of limbo state right now and have been for some time, actually I have graduated from Hell to Purgatory to Limbo with occasional visits back to Purgatory when things get too frustrating or annoying to bear.

I have to make myself a new life and it isn’t something any friggin’ career’s adviser or counsellor in the world can help me with.

I have virtually no structure in my life, am pursuing no particular activities. All I do most days is meet M and spend some time with him. I am done with education as I’m already over-educated. I seek a platform of some kind so I can speak about my experiences. I’m frustrated by how dumb most people are. I encounter so many roadblocks. Reading my mum’s Guardian the other day (I visited her for the weekend) was a depressing experience. Do people seriously believe that the news is what is really going on in the world? And these fuckin’ annoying little know-it-all journalists!

Lately everywhere I go on the Internet it seems like someone wants to shut me down. I go to try and have fun with my friends on the webcam chatroom and promptly get a computer glitch which then takes an age to be sorted by the Indian computer geeks I signed up with. It’s all so desperately boring and pathetic and in all honesty patience has never been my strong suit, though I had to exercise superhuman patience at times when locked into the psychiatric system.

People’s irrational fear is the biggest obstacle I face in getting my message heard. Fear tends to make people stupid. Their reasoning faculties just can’t operate effectively while they’re quaking in their shoes. This is why ordinarily I try to use humour a lot. If you can make a person laugh it defuses the fear. However if they’re comically challenged you face a problem and your attempts at levity can backfire badly as I just found out with the SP drama.

People seem to approach me a lot these days. My social anxiety and fuck-off vibe is gone.

Well, it’s time for a bath and facing another day in Limbo, but at least I get to see my soulmate for a few precious hours. I am luckier than most.

I’m not in the best of moods this morning so I’ll leave it there.

What Would You Have Done?

  1. Currently On Probation

    October 26th, 2014by seppuku

    Admins have kindly allowed me back as long as I don’t ‘threaten, harass or stalk’ another member.

    Words fail me but whatevs guys.


    1. SP Administrator
      OCT 26, 2014 @ 14:36:14

      Yes, words fail me too sometimes the way people believe they are not responsible for their own actions.

    And I assume you’re here to tell or share your suicidal story, or to help others with theirs.


  2. whyaremeninmyshoes
    OCT 26, 2014 @ 14:38:36

    Why are you on probation? Did you threaten and/or harass and/or stalk someone on this site? I am new to the site so I don’t know. If you did any of that it seems utterly pathetic, and unkind, of you to me. If you haven’t done any of that then to be on probation with the condition of not doing it seems ridiculous and unfair on you. Which is it?


  3. xanadu
    OCT 26, 2014 @ 15:48:49

    Just as long as she’s not stalking me, it’s all good.


  4. harikiri
    OCT 26, 2014 @ 16:32:23

    Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Haha, someone here has a sense of humour xanadu…

    Well, admin, you put me in a quandary I must confess. If I say what I think about your allegations I will get banned again for sure.

    So OK, man, I’m a stalker, a threatener and a harasser.

    Happy now?

    If anyone’s interested they can get a fuller picture on my blog athttps://amistillill.wordpress.com. And if this post is subsequently deleted and I am banned again you’ll know that is is nothing to do with infringing the site’s rules and everything to do with petty, personal spite.

    Surprise guys. Banned again.

    And I am beginning to feel harassed!

But Hey, Keep the Insults Flying!

‘On the level you’re just challenging yourself. So if you’re feeling brave, go ahead and hurt yourself’. Dizzee Rascal.

I cordially invite all my haters here to throw what verbal stones they can muster in my direction. Get it all out of your system, guys and gals! You’ll feel SOOO much better. Until you suddenly feel worse.

I can never be hurt by these insults, but you will. That’s not a threat it’s a statement of fact. I don’t need to seek revenge. Karma will do the job for me. The Equals Training organisation learned that a long time ago. They too made many very ill-advised and untrue accusations against me, and much as I predicted, they sank without trace and came off very bruised and battered by the confrontation.  Ex friend A still can’t even bear to hear my name mentioned in her presence four years later. That just about says it all.

I no longer carry the senseless burden of toxic grief, guilt and shame. I  feel ten stones lighter for it.

Seriously, come here. Don’t be a freaking coward! Confront me right here on my blog if you have a beef! I will never turn you away or trash your comment. I will simply address it calmly and clear-headedly, just as I did with Equals.

I am deeply sorry for you.