When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Live Forever

I deleted quite a few posts because the person they were about objected.

Since then, life went on.

I got financially exploited. And no I wasn’t ‘buying friendship’. Hardly, given that I give £££s to beggars in the street who are hardly good friendship material. I am not so desperate or deluded that I think you can attain friendship that way in any case. It’s simply that I have no use for money beyond a certain point. And I run across soooo many people for whom it is an extremely pressing concern. I’m naturally generous and empathic and I think it’s wrong that there are haves and have nots in this world.

I make no apologies for this.

One person who I took in and helped and showed kindness and friendship to turned round and abused my trust by literally stealing from me in my own house while my back was turned. He will fry in Hell for what he’s done, no revenge on my part is necessary. I am rich in spirit, he is a paranoid psychopath with no thought for anyone but himself, it’s not hard to see who’s the winner there.

Today the locks get changed (because he has my spare set of keys and won’t return them, still deludedly thinks that I will let him come back, wtf).

Mental health services attempt contact from time to time. I tell them where to go. There is nothing they can do as I am breaking no laws and clearly coping just fine thanks very much. They care not one whit for me. Why should they? Only Theo, my Floating Support Worker from Centra, is allowed back, he is coming this morning actually. Centra is a relatively enlightened organisation. There are even subversive, anti-psychiatry elements within its ranks.

I have returned to some of my suicide sites (the rest I am banned from) because I relate easily to the suicidal and have people I consider friends there. I have though, realised that I am actually indestructible. I am going to live forever.

Some of my long-time readers will remember ‘M’. He is still banged up in a secure unit but has loads of leave to go out and attend classes in the community etc. So I’ve been meeting up with him most days and we have become close again. We are not an item, I will never go back to that and history cannot repeat itself, but we are soulmates. He understands me better than anyone barring possibly my son.

Richard has also been a big help. How useful it is to keep your exes on side! If it wasn’t for them I would have virtually no one to turn to in all honesty. Friends I have virtually given up on.

So that’s my update. I’m still a moody bitch. Still have very little structure in my life and still need a freaking job! Any suggestions on a postcard please. I am able bodied and too intelligent for my own good.


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