No one to see today as R has to work and M is busy with his computer course all day. It’s not like seeing people always makes me feel better in any case, but there is at least a chance…
No human being can support me anyway. I’m too damn heavy for them. M understands me to a point but only to a point. He has changed less than I originally thought/hoped. I mean he’s doing well with all the classes and discipline and vegan diet…but still all this hogwash about Jehovah, and demon possession. Oh and he thinks I’m a whore basically. He always has. No reasoning with him will change his mind, he thinks I’m everyone’s for the asking. When challenged with the reality of the situation – that I’m asexual, totally lack libido and celibate for the vast majority of the time – he denies he basically thinks I’m a prostitute. But it’s obvious enough. He won’t even kiss me.
Back when we were an item and I was in love with him he suffered paranoid delusions about what I was doing when he wasn’t there. Nothing has really changed, except I am no longer in love with him and never will be again and I told him frankly that I didn’t believe either of us was naturally monogamous.
Then there’s the stuff about how I’m not good enough for Jehovah, that my swearing offends Him…of course Jehovah is absolutely fine with him stabbing someone in the face!
I’m gonna have to see less of him. He always encourages me to spend money I don’t have. He rewrites history, making it up as he goes along. You can see how caught up he gets in his fantasies. And we are so alike in so many ways we invariably end up projecting a hell of a lot of stuff onto each other. The two of us together was a recipe for disaster the first time around. I don’t need to go down that road again even though I love him. Maybe it’s for the best he won’t kiss me or come to my house. I’m so lonely and desperate there’s no telling what I might do.
I have nowhere to turn but my Higher Power and he/she/it is remaining very silent. Very silent indeed.