When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Goodbye M

Hi there.

Things could be worse. I’m recovering from the new heartache of having to offload M again. But I coped pretty well the last time (unless you count making active plans to suicide over the space of about two years I guess…).

He basically virtually forces me to spend money on him and I tried showing him my overdrawn balance, it made no difference, he seems to think I’m a millionnaire. Oh, and he then has the temerity to have a go at me about the way I give away money, when he has been the chief beneficiary by a very long way!!!

He also tried to patronise me (that never goes down well no matter who it is!), lecture me about God and dismiss the idea that I, as well as he, could be in any way ‘special’. No, this world only has room for one highly favoured personage and that is him, lolol!

At the time it didn’t fully register, but when I reflected on it later on it pissed me off mightily. The next day I confronted him about it but didn’t wait for the inadequate/inflammatory reply that I knew he would give so I just told him I didn’t want to see him if he was gonna make comments like that and put down the phone.

So I’m alone again – no soulmate – no cuddles or hugs.

But I went to see the Samaritans today at their walk-in centre in Soho, Central London. That was underwhelming, but it’s good to know they’re there and that I can go anytime I need to talk.

What helped more was the long heart to heart chat I had with my Higher Power while lying on the sofa after I got back this afternoon. It was good to be back on speaking and not shouting or swearing terms. I told him everything I can’t tell any human being. Including what I am going to do if things don’t change.

Yes, folks, I emotionally blackmailed my Maker, lol.

But you probably expect that from me seeing as I have already ‘forgiven Jesus’ lol.

It’s nice to be cosy in my home on this dark November night, and no, I don’t want anyone’s company right now. I have everything I need thanks.

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