When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Archive for April, 2015

The End Of An Era

Well, I saw the psych and I must say, he was pretty kind and caring, and spent a full hour with me and my care coordinator and a junior, talking over my options. He didn’t offend me this time lol. So I don’t feel so critical of him any more.

The upshot of our discussion was that I would try a combo of fluoxetine (prozac) 20mg, with olanzapine 5mg. And may the good Lord have mercy on my soul. Especially given that the first common side effect of olanzapine is weight gain (it’s notorious) and the first one of Prozac is insomnia. Sigh.

Mind you I don’t seem to gain a lot of weight these days, nor do I lose much, if any. I am stably unhealthy and obese.

I also went for my fasting blood test on Tuesday morning. So now I await the glad tidings that yeah, I am diabetic. Fingers crossed that I’m wrong, but I’ve a shedload of symptoms which could easily be down to that.

And this morning it was my last session with Theo my floating support worker. He’s off to a new job helping ebola sufferers. Good luck Theo…and thanks for all the fish, mate. You were fabulous.

I feel strangely upbeat this evening. Could the prozac have kicked in already?

Also went to enrol at Camden and Islington Recovery College. Was impressed. They seem to have everything the local one doesn’t. Principal among them being ‘people who want to go to it’.

I’ve become very parochial, but at least I guess I belong in this little niche I’ve carved out for myself. I’m still not very well and cognitively somewhat enfeebled. If this blog seems lacklustre, that would probably be why.

Can’t Stop Eating!

…but have got to find a way. I FEEL diabetes in my bones and flesh…the prickling of the skin, the flushing of the face, the need to urinate, wounds that are sore and slow to heal, a cold that won’t clear up, and always the uncontrollable insatiable fucking hunger!

Reading back over the last posts it’s quite clear I have an issue with food which is responsible for a lot of this fatigue and other symptoms (not necessarily the insomnia though).

I am facing chronic degenerative physical illness for the first time in my life and it doesn’t look good or feel good.

Yeah a part of me, let’s face it quite a big part of me might not want to even be on this planet. But eating my way to even more disability is not an efficient way to accomplish that goal. I am just slowly destroying myself, infinestimally slowly, it could take freaking decades of being physically AND mentally fucked up and I can’t go there. I really can’t.

One small silver lining is that a vegan diet is supposed to be good for diabetes. Naturally not the kind of vegan diet that features a lot of white flour, fat and sugar mind. But plenty of veggies = good for sure.

If I can find the energy I am going to try and get to Overeaters Anonymous tomorrow. It helped me a lot years ago. I’ve never been in such poor health ever, and I feel somewhat ashamed that it is my own lack of self-control that has brought me to this. At the same time, I frankly am a food addict, I am simply not in control of this at the moment, and it won’t help to start beating myself up for that.

Bloody Sunday

Not too bad a day yesterday. Was very fatigued and restless as usual, went out very early in the morning, travelled across London in search of an early breakfast, settled for a McDonalds in Denmark Hill or somewhere, ended up at South Ken, caught the tube back to Finsbury Park, was dozing off all the way, it was sooo uncomfortable.

Been spending too much money on takeaways and breakfasts and getting cabs lately, as a result am somewhat skint, sigh.

Reached back home around 10am, didn’t make it out of the house again after that. This fact was made bearable by a lengthy nap  in the afternoon. I had lentil stew and a jacket potato for lunch. I’d been intending to get to my protest group meeting in the evening, but in the end I could not be arsed and ordered yet another Indian takeaway instead.

Don’t feel too much different without the abilify yet.

Anyone who has ever hated, envied or resented me (you know who you are), have fun lol. I am pretty much down and out these days. I feel as if I am well and truly looking my age, and I certainly feel it. Actually, 53? More like 83, which is actually my mother’s age (she’s in better shape than I am by a long way). I am pre-diabetic. I have fuck all energy. I am cognitively impaired. I hang out on suicide forums and chatrooms. Happy now?

At the end of the day when you are only very tenuously connected to the ‘will to live’, it’s hard to care too much about your health.

Even my Mum appears to have given up her weekly phone calls. Not heard from my son. It’s all fine. Let me slip away . But it’s 4.00am on Monday morning now, my favourite time of the week, and later today I start my philosophy classes at the Mary Ward Centre.

OK That’s It

It’s not working out with Abilify. I’m gonna come off it. F*** insomnia every night, akathisia (restlessness, inability to sit still), uncontrollable food cravings, loss of focus and concentration and feeling utterly shattered and sluggish, barely able to walk down the friggin’ road. F*** falling asleep in my classes and being unable to follow what’s being said even when it’s relatively simple.

I’m just done with this drug, and not very impressed at the great minds that dreamt it up. Surely with all their knowledge and funds they can do better than market such a potentially damaging and debilitating substance?

Hopefully I will get to see the consultant early this week as an emergency. I will ask to go back on something like seroquel or lamictal or both. Trying to manage life meds-free no longer seems to be an option for me. I have a very persistent kind of depression nowadays that first kicked in several years ago. It may be partly my age, hormones, physiological considerations like blood sugar issues. Am due to go for a fasting blood test, haven’t been able to do so because of all the abilify drama.

All is not lost though. I don’t feel too downhearted. Just looking forward to a relief from these hideous side effects. Search for the miracle drug or combo continues!

New Hope

11am: Middle of night and wish the chatroom wasn’t so depressing. I can’t help missing the daftness of the ones I got banned from, but there’s nothing I can do about that. At least now I understand the real reason I got banned (which I can’t divulge here) it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. Those of you who don’t suffer insomnia and partake of the joys of chatrooms will probably not fully understand.

Slept three hours…felt refreshed. But it’s not enough.

5.50am: I slept two more times! Yay! I got, in all probably about seven hours!! Did I need it! I feel rested. My cold feels better. I’ll probably be OK to go to drama today and anything else I want to do. Yippee! Maybe , just maybe, I’m finally getting used to the abilify?

And I noticed my eating was a little more controlled too this last 24 hours. Those are the two main concerns, sleeping (or rather not) and eating. Maybe, just maybe this could work.

More Abilify Tales

I’m using this blog as a diary of my sleep etc at the moment. How I’m doing on this drug Abilify.

It packs a punch that little blue pill (I’m only on 5mg).

I got a total of four hours sleep last night. Ended up travelling into town on the bus because I was so restless and unable to focus on a book, internet, anything. Went to McDonalds near Charing Cross, it’s always thronging at that time of night with clubbers etc (11.30pm). My ravenous appetite is a big concern given that I am already clinically obese. I basically never feel totally satisfied and have cravings for very fattening junk foods…it’s extremely hard to resist.

I didn’t really feel like walking around so waited at the bus stop for the N91. Noticed that no buses were coming to the stop. Apparently there was some kind of accident in Trafalgar Square. Moved to another stop, it was the same story there, got the N29 in the end after waiting for an hour.

The bus ride home was rather uncomfortable as the bus was packed and I kept sort of dozing off. Something peculiar happens, I can’t distinguish my dreaming from my waking state. The dreams on Abilify are very vivid and I think they’re real until I open my eyes.

Had to get a cab home from Wood Green.

Crazy way to be living but sometimes you gotta do ‘whatever gets you through the night’, right peeps?

Better Day…

I managed to get a bit more sleep and felt correspondingly more energised today. I decided on balance to keep taking Abilify for a bit longer and see if the side effects settle down. Did food shopping…walked there and back without weakening and getting a cab.

Went out again to see peer support worker at the Recovery Service. He’s a really nice guy, we filled in my Care Plan together. Chatted with fellow addicts in the sunshine of the back yard…that was a highlight.Then I was supposed to attend a class in Psychology there, but the chairs were too comfortable, I knew quite a lot of the material, I just couldn’t keep awake and alert so I asked to leave.

Went off by myself to Hackney and had a delicious vegan lasagne in the Black Cat vegan cafe. The peeps there are so nice, it’s a really peaceful soothing place to go. They have books, magazines and vegan foodstuffs on sale.