When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Thought I Was In Lerve

Could that guy have spiked my drink with dizzle?

What in heaven’s name is dizzle, I hear my gentle reader cry. I think it’s basically the same thing as ‘molly’, better known as ecstasy or MDMA. Coz I sure feel spaced out today and as for yesterday…it was just as if he cast a spell on me. I have a history with this guy unfortunately, none of it good.

But he’s every bit as sneaky and untrustworthy as he ever was…plus outright abusive, the way he continually nags at me about everything I do.

Ah well I had a few precious hours in lala land I guess.

My cold is still running away, and coughing, it’s a right pain, yet I’ve been out all day long. Saw psych, got patronised by the new girl and yes, she is a girl, nothing more. I had NO CONFIDENCE in her knowledge to be perfectly honest, and I objected to her manner though I didn’t say anything to her face. Perhaps Dr Douglas is her mentor, she’s getting that breezy condescending air down to a fine art already.

She didn’t want to prescribe me anything in addition to the Abilify. Fair enough, probably the right thing to do. I told her, the medical student and my care coordinator far more than they ‘needed to know’ about my suicide plans and such.

Some might say it shows I want help and to be ‘saved’ from suicide. But it’s not really that. I am just an honest open person who doesn’t keep secrets too well, and also feel that if they don’t know what I’m actually doing/taking, they have little chance of being able to help me. There again looks like I just contradicted myself. I want help. I just don’t want anyone to talk me out of suicidal thoughts and ideas. They are my hobby and a big part of my identity nowadays.

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