When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Dying Spiritually

I frequent suicide websites and chatrooms. This is well documented. No surprise to my gentle reader I daresay. I find a huge amount of support and identification with other depressed people who want nothing more than an ‘off-switch’ and wrestle with the desire to die every day.

Last autumn into winter I went through a psychotic episode. I believed myself to have died spiritually and been reborn into a new body. Think about it. If you have been passionately in love with easeful death – a quote from some poet or other – that means you have lived, breathed, slept and eaten with that partner for years. You have fused with your desires. You are one with the beloved.

There is no way that what we love and long for the most will not eventually come into our lives. It’s in the nature of the Law of Attraction (read up on it if you are unfamiliar with the concept).

This happened to me late last year. It is happening again now. In fact, what is happening now is making last year look like a warm-up.

I became close to a member of my favourite suicide chatroom. Let’s just call her Angel, whether that was her chosen nickname or not. I am a psychic Pisces, so I believe she has some messages for us.

Her plan was to jump from a specific bridge, which she named, today. She has not reappeared on the chat, so our assumption is that she is gone. But is she?

We have watched many members come and go, their individual journeys sketched in the few or many posts they put up as they wrestle with the last questions and struggles of an existence they no longer want. We see what would be commonly thought of as tragedies unfolding, and while we decline to moralise with anyone over their choices we are inwardly sad, even heartbroken when the reality of that person no longer being a part of our world sinks in.

We may want to die desperately ourselves but deeply ingrained in the human psyche is the desire to prevent others from taking a similar step. We can always see every reason why there is no hope for ourselves. Others, though, appear to be more worthy in our eyes, we want them to live and thrive and do all the things that we ourselves despair of ever being able to do again.

I’m here to give you hope, oh desperate ones, for I have been where you are for many years. I have suffered the ravages of manic depression most of my adult life. Suicide rates are high among our community for fairly obvious reasons.

I have reached the end of my pilgrimage to a better, or indeed any, life. Yes I literally had no life before, so the only way was up, right? How can I be sure that this change is not another illusory or delusional one, the product of the overheated manic mind? That it will not all end in tears as so many many times before?

The difference this time is that I have a strong community of support around me. Friends and associates who sincerely promote my growth and understand my needs and concerns. Close bonds peeps. Relationship and connection turned out to be all, in my case. That might not be true for everyone but it is probably true for many. People are key. We are social animals at risk of being tedious and repetitive.

I am in a state of Flow. This is true happiness, not walking around with a big silly grin on your face. There will always be challenges to be overcome, but in a state of Flow there is no longer a struggle: overcoming obstacles is an effortless process and something you take in your stride, always guided to do the next ‘right’ thing. Choice is an illusion. There is only ever one correct response in any given situation, the challenge is to work out what that might be and have the confidence and self-assurance to follow through with it.

I am Companionated, as previously stated in my last post. I have a strong team of supporters and cheerleaders. Because one of the most endearing characteristics of the human animal is that we love to see freedom in others, even while we ourselves may still remain at least partly in chains. We are irresistibly drawn to the free man or woman, we want to be near them, to hang on their every word, to get a little reflected glory in the hope that we will ‘catch’ some of this freedom for ourselves as if it were contagious.

If you admire anything you see here, it is not me you are admiring. It is the Spirit of God speaking through me, because I am inspired. We all, deep down, want the same thing, whether we find it on a suicide chatroom, by pursuing excellence in a sport or academic discipline, by whatever road we choose in life that brings us closer to the ultimate Goal.



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