I’m good peeps, I’m good. Not manic yay! Not depressed yay! Internetty yay!
Yeah most of my friends are people I’ve met on the internet. I go out everyday to try and see a few real life peeps though, just to keep my hand in, plus I have a guy staying with me who I see everyday so that helps I guess. And no we aren’t an item.
Had the mandatory psychopath passing in and out of my life until very recently bringing a trail of chaos and destruction in his wake as they so often do. It’s a loong-ass story. He’s Somalian by birth, born in Italy and came here to my part of London when he was 10. I got mixed up with him when I was manic, he literally grabbed me on the street and it took me 9 months to get rid of the fucker.
He is 29 and lost both his parents while in jail when he was 21. He’d tell me so many stories from his childhood and past, about his mum who meant the world to him. He’s certainly a character I’ll say that much for him but it’s sad. He’s self-destructive. Suicide is against everything he holds dear so he doesn’t countenance that. Probably too narcissistic. But deep down, I don’t know, I guess he hates himself or something.
He is beautiful to look at but barely even takes care of himself and has dwindled to skin and bone. He cannot be trusted and will steal from his closest people and then lie about it. He has a winning personality but doesn’t treat those who could help him with respect so he will probably end up destitute and homeless.
I gather sometimes people can’t handle being helped as it makes them feel too powerless so they lash back at the very person who cared for them, biting the hand that feeds.
Anyway I was naturally hurt and upset by his latest betrayal, but have fixed my mind on Ezra again, still in prison and supposed to have his day in court soon where he is appealing his conviction.
By pining for him at least it takes my mind off the other guy, you know?
It’s hard to keep focused on someone who doesn’t write and doesn’t ask you to visit him though. I have never found out why he can’t or chooses not to write me a letter. I’ve written him loads. Maybe he’s just not comfortable with that form of self-expression. He phones very occasionally and updates me. I guess his mind is mainly on his appeal and getting out of there. I know I will see him again. It’s just a case of when. I can only hope his meticulously-prepared case will be successful, otherwise he’ll be stuck in there for years, for what?
Who exactly is being ‘protected’ by incarcerating him away from society at great expense to the taxpayer? He’s not a danger to anyone, woman or man. I know him. I will NEVER understand how his ex could have done this, why, where that vindictiveness came from. Is it a case of a woman scorned? Possibly. And he naturally was naive to the danger he was in. Yes, sorry, but he alone is the victim here.
In the meantime I’m open to making new friends and if it leads anywhere all well and good. I’m not hung up on saving myself for Ezra or any of that stupid shit. I don’t even really believe in physical fidelity, it doesn’t score high on my radar.
I know I’m still attractive, I know I have plenty to offer and I know I can still pull. End of. I’m far from desperate, I have options.
That’s how I feel right now anyhow. If you’d asked me while I was deep in my frozen private Hell a few weeks ago I would probably have looked at the floor and mumbled something about having nothing to offer a potential partner. My self-esteem was in shreds. My association with the Somalian guy wasn’t really helping as he just pulled me further into the gutter and ramped up my anxiety levels even more.
A few wonderful internet friends plus assorted professionals have got me opening up and finding a new purpose for living.
Not sure how much I’ve written about suicide on this blog but it has loomed very large for me for some years now.
That’s another story though and can probably wait for another day. Thanks for reading peeps, I love you all dearly.