When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Pretty Girls Make Graves


Who knew this was a thing? I did, as a seasoned reader of forums for  depressed, anxious and insecure younger people.

I just wanted to see what my take on all of it was, so please indulge me as I ramble from a first person perspective. Hopefully I’ll get to the point eventually.

I got better looking as I got older. Like I ‘grew’ into my face and body. I felt most attractive in my forties. Weird huh? Was not conventionally attractive AT ALL, if that means small features, upturned nose, perfect teeth, tiny waist. Was kinda awkward in my teens, but didn’t have a problem getting boyfriends. Had been fat in the last year of primary school. Was bullied for it, and even called ‘ugly’ by my so-called best friend who incidentally grew up to be a model. Was back to a normal weight by the time I started grammar school though.

Around 50 though I felt my looks fading. I was depressed for a long time from 2012 to 2014. I didn’t bother with make up. I wore trackie bottoms and trainers, genderless clothes. I felt, while not outright ugly, invisible to the opposite sex. I was chronically suicidal, as if my worth as a person depended on male attention. Yes, I was menopausal and yes this was probably a midlife crisis. I know that now, but at the time it was terrible.

But when manic I felt waay more than pretty. I felt stunning, drop dead gorgeous, like other girls/women didn’t stand a chance with me around. Lolol. Not to mention, probably projected a hypersexual aura. My whole body seems to change at those times. I feel like a teenage girl, the hormones coursing through my body, and yet also a wise and beautiful sex goddess if there is such a thing.

OK, having made you hate me. Remember, I was off my head at the time.

It’s So. Freaking. Weird.

And naturally all of this makes me question whether there can ever be any standardised model of what’s attractive and what isn’t. Going from feeling, if not ugly, something close, to feeling like a sex goddess? That’s bound to do a number on your brain. I had supreme confidence. If I wasn’t actually sex on legs in an ‘objective’ sense, did it even matter anymore? I felt I was. And surely that’s all that counts!

There’s a youtube video on the first page of the above blog. A self-described ‘ugly girl’ has many interesting things to say (well who knew lol!) She says it’s the life force primarily that gives us beauty. It’s what we put out into the universe, it’s what we ‘do’ even if that’s ‘only’ breathing. And I’m totally in accord with that, I know where she’s coming from. I said something similar in a couple of previous posts. ‘It is only the life force that makes us beautiful’ was an insight I had while hospitalised for my last mania. And in a very recent post I opined that corpses, by contrast, are NEVER beautiful.

Scrolling further down the blog there is a photo of a conventionally ‘extremely attractive’ young woman. My first response is ‘Yawn!’ Yes, she would be widely considered a ’10/10′. But wait. We’re scoring people out of ten for their looks? Aaaargh, what the fuck.

It isn’t even only women. Loads of guys are insecure about themselves too and identify as ‘ugly’. Often they post pics for validation on forums. Tell me honestly, they say. The only thing is, they are usually average or above. Not knocking them for it, Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a thing too. But they’re hardly Quasimodo.

Isn’t the main ‘problem’ conventionally unattractive people are facing, that NEVER in the history of humanity have we been exposed (subjected?) to such an assault of physical ‘perfection’? Advertising and social media bully us all into feeling a lot ‘less than’. Pretty girls are a dime a dozen. What about the contents of her freaking character and whether she can hold an interesting conversation rather than just be a ‘bubbly’ (ugh hate that word) bimbo?

The worst kind of guys, the type who think they are or aspire to be ‘alpha males’, the ‘jocks’ of this world, will say damn right. Because the girl is primarily an object to them. She promises to gratify his equally conventional desires, she is great ‘arm candy’ and will increase his social status in the eyes of other guys. Well good for her! Maybe she can aspire to  be a rich guy’s ‘trophy wife’ one day. It’s like feminism never happened! We’re in a reactionary timewarp!

The girl in the video makes another good point. She says, look at the human race! None of is really all that marvellous are we? We’re kinda awkward looking creatures. What about that walking on two legs thing guys? What’s that weird hair sprouting out of our heads? We totally lack the majestic beauty of a tiger. She even says a cow has its own physical charm and so it does. We’re changelings. Neither all animal, or all god/demon. And the way we act? We fully deserve, and live up to, our lack of natural beauty and grace.

Even the dreaded ‘pretty girl’ will usually ‘hate’ her thighs. She will plaster on a shedload of makeup because she’s probably as insecure as fuck and apparently aspiring to become a walking mask of conventional acceptability, instead of just growing into and respecting the person that she is. It’s not just ‘unattractive’ people who are made to suffer, very far from it. This is entirely Equal Opportunities body fascism folks.

Morrissey? Not only do ‘pretty girls make graves’. They’re also monumentally boring. They all look the freaking same!  Cookie cutter ‘eye candy’.

Just. Stop.

You’re killing us all slowly and painfully with Farcebook (a nod to Baz) and all the celebrity bullshit. There have got to be quicker, more humane ways to die. Happy now humanity? Torturing young people with a barrage of fake, ‘perfect’ images when they’re at their most vulnerable and insecure? Way to go society. And plastic surgery? Don’t get me started.


Comments on: "Pretty Girls Make Graves" (2)

  1. Cheers for the nod!

    OK. I’m gonna speak as I found on this issue. Yes, a LOT of conditioning in childhood and teens as to what is “attractive” and unfortunately amongst males, it’s ALWAYS the looks. I went through school unpopular with both sexes so I was denied the opportunity of ever having a girlfriend there and to say it did my self esteem wonders would be a blatant lie. I grew paranoid, convinced I was the ugliest git in town. My wonderful Dad and brother helped fuel that insecurity a thousandfold.

    I left school and started at college. On my course I encountered a girl the same age as me (I later found out she was born exactly 6 hours after me!) called Charlotte. She never wore make up and dressed in a frumpy manner. She was, what most men would describe as “plain” and some of my pals thought she was “ugly” – but here’s the thing. We nattered a lot and gradually over the next two months, she became – to me – the most beautiful woman in the world. She never altered her appearance at all. This was an important lesson for me… I loved her very being and intelligence. It was weird how she suddenly became physically attractive to me, but it is all about the combination. Meanwhile, unknown to me, I was in my prime… I wasn’t bad looking during this era and I had quite a few girls interested in me, but my insecurity and belief I was ugly ensured I got nowhere with them. There were 2 or 3 “stunners” – in that they were model like attractive, and though pleasing to the eye, none of them captivated me and truth be told, I didn’t like them as they were so full of themselves and extremely vain.

    Oh, and what about Charlotte? Grrr… she was a BIG fan of… yes… Morrissey. That caused conflict between us and thanks to HIM getting in the way, we were never to “get it together”… one of several reasons why I’m not a fan of Morrissey or The Smiths as unfortunately it seemed every woman I found attractive had the same trait – big Morrissey fans and their assumption I would be a fan! Double Grrr!

    So, it’s the combination. Physical appearance is just one factor in what makes people attractive and it’s not an important one in spite of how society and the media try to prove otherwise. Unfortunately, many men I’ve encountered ARE shallow and sexist… wouldn’t look at women unless they were good lookers and had plenty on their chests. Myself, I have no time for that nonsense since what is ultimately attractive to me is their minds and being.

  2. Yay Baz. Thanks for commenting. So sorry about Morrissey lol – but damn, this blog is named after the song ‘Still Ill’ and to me, despite probably being an asshole/wanker, he is nonethless the god of the witty and throwaway lyric.

    But hey we won’t let something like that come between us.

    It’s nice to have the affirmation/corroboration of your comment as I’m living in something of a bubble just now and have not been out for four days. I tend to obsess a little about what I’ve just written, especially if I’ve been outspoken or controversial. I worry about offending people or getting other negative responses. But I guess that beats worrying about whether your roots are showing.

    Getting older really is liberating…in some ways.

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