When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Yes, I guess this is a cheat post. But I wanted to make sure more people read it and that it didn’t get lost in the back catalogue of comments. Here’s what I wrote today in response to Baz’s thoughts on my post ‘Here’s To Hypomania’. Read what he said if you can. Sometimes I myself am not that great at navigating my own blog, and have only just ‘approved’ a bunch of comments that were made months ago, so…forgive me faithful reader/commenter.

Gosh Baz, are you me? as people like to say on social forums.

Seriously though, I only just found this reply of yours and it resonates with me totally. Hehe, I’m exactly the same! I don’t want to be seen or recognised when I go out. The Harry Potter ‘invisibility cloak’ springs to mind.

And yup. I’ve always felt for artists who have to travel the world like performing seals. Some of them get very good at being performing seals – their performances are flawless but there’s something so mechanical about them.

Which makes my tangential mind want to look up the dictionary definition of performance!!!

Look, true creativity can never be a performance, I can confidently say that WITHOUT looking up the freaking definition.

Just like you, if it pleases me that’s what matters. I barely ‘market’ this blog in any way. The furthest I’ll go is posting links on the occasional forum or chat for people to click on if they want to read more of my work.

It genuinely amuses me that I have so few readers. What I want in my readers is quality, not quantity, and over the years I can happily say that I’ve had that. You Baz being a prime example.

I’m in with the ‘out crowd’. And the out crowd is not the ‘getalong gang’ to quote the grime rapper Wiley. But you can bet your life that there’s more of us than the world knows.

Might I respectfully suggest Baz that both of us are taking a much longer view. Was Van Gogh feted and praised to the skies in his lifetime? Call me grandiose, I don’t give a shit, but we’re looking to true immortality, not fame, not popularity, not ‘likes’, not phony ‘love’, not ‘viral on the internet’, not VIP Twitter. Yes, it’s easier to say what we’re not than what we are.

So I singlehandedly second, third and fourth EVERYTHING you have said here. It gives me a huge buzz when someone else so closely mirrors how I feel and think myself.

And you know what? If something ever happened on the internet, some huge nuclear-bomb-like glitch and this blog was all to be lost? I would be DEVASTATED. It’s actually a lot more important to me than anyone might imagine. I often use it as a reference, and for inspiration, and have on occasion spent many happy hours reading back over it. It’s been what, nearly 10 years of my life?

What do you think folks? Is a nuclear Internet attack of that kind even possible? Expect the unexpected they always say. But like you with your enormous archive Baz, what I write here is probably more to me than life itself.

Footnote: Found in the google definition of ‘performance’:

“the continual performance of a single task reduces a man to the level of a machine”

That’s it right there. That’s what we’re both talking about.


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