When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

A Word On Fidelity

Hmm. It’s a tough one this.

Ever watched the Jeremy Kyle show? If you have, you’ll know that the word ‘cheat’ or ‘cheating’ comes up more often even than ‘You’re a dirty little liar!’

OK for non-UK readers, Jeremy Kyle is a bit like a cross between Dr Phil and Gerry Springer. Yep, folks, it’s real peeps, albeit they mostly seem to be selected from  the ‘white trash’ section of the UK population. Yep they are fat, yep they have bad teeth, yep they totally lack conflict resolution skills, and for the most part, everyone knows EXACTLY what to expect when they tune in.

And millions do. It’s one of my guilty pleasures and most days it’ll be the ONLY TV I watch all day, lol.

And from the first time I observed this and the constant talk of ‘cheating’ (meaning sexual infidelity in a supposedly monogamous relationship) I was puzzled by it.

And I am NOT trying to be controversial here. I am simply telling you honestly what I think and feel about this constant obsession, on Jeremy Kyle at least, with ‘cheating’.

I essentially don’t recognise it and don’t believe I have ever done it. Nor has anyone ever done it to me. The only time I ever use the word is as a joke…like telling someone I’m cheating on him with Jeremy Kyle, in other words I don’t wanna talk until the show’s over.

I am a serial adulterer,, well yeah maybe. But how come nearly all my exes that I supposedly ‘cheated on’ or was ‘unfaithful to’, are still my friends?

With all respect to JK, and yes I DO respect him for what he does and who he is, put me in the stocks and sling rotten eggs at me if you like, it’s complete and utter bollocks.

Being ‘faithful’ in a committed relationship is NOTHING to do with who you ‘passionately kiss’, ‘have sexual contact with’ or even who you shag.

Solly and I NEVER have sex. We’re both celibate at the moment, pretty much. I’m not saying we haven’t in the past (in the early days) or that we won’t EVER. But he’s my Number One…and though it’s never easy for him to articulate these things, I believe, nay, I KNOW that I am his.

And this may be the first time I have EVER been able to say this truthfully. Many guys have been my Number One for awhile. I may have been committed as fuck for the time being. But when I went into a manic episode? Huh, forget all that!

OK to spell this out as clearly as I know how. 1) Physical fidelity does not score high on my radar. And 2) If you know someone is your soulmate and your twin, and you’re confident in yourself – why would it bother you if he gets drunk at a party and gropes another girl or even goes home with her?

Well, a little bit earlier I posted the song ‘Exes and Ohs’. My guys never forget me and I’m not supplanted in their affections. Because there’s no one like me, no one. It’s not that they pine for me, Gosh, life moves on and they may even find someone they’re happy with. But they don’t forget me.

Fine if you think that makes me conceited or narcissistic. I’m perfectly OK with whatever you wanna think. Thoughts are free, right?

But I will just be straightforward and call it confidence. I KNOW they won’t find what I gave them elsewhere. And many of them will wistfully look for a replacement which they are doomed never to find!

If I find a man who can help me keep my feet on the ground? Who loves and sticks by me through depression, mania and everything that lies between? A guy that listens to what I say then comes back with something relevant that shows he heard me?

I purely and simply belong to that guy forever.

And no I’ve never been ‘lucky in love’ whatever that means. I’ve left a trail of broken hearts and messed-up relationships behind me. My own heart I might add has been roundly trashed and put through a mincer. It’s been pulped, left in the sun to dry then pounded to a powder. Pulverised, yes, literally. So what can you do with a powder other than snort it up your nose? Scatter it to the four winds maybe. Is this why I’m now a cold, heartless and ruthless bitch?

But whatever you might say about life, it’s full of freaking surprises.

Who the fuck knew I would fall for a guy little more than half my age and that he would fall for me?

As I told you before, he’s in danger of going back to prison, from where he could be sent to a detention centre with the aim of possibly deporting him to Somalia, for fuck’s sake. A country he has never lived in. So this is hardly a happy-ever-after scenario right here.

But I’ve truthfully never been ANYONE’S number one, and don’t know what it is to take central place in someone’s life. Am I grateful to him for this? Hell, no. He’s put me through the wringer too, like so many others. He emphatically doesn’t DESERVE my devotion. But hey. He goes off for days and nights at a time to try and do his hustle and chill with his pals. And if he was to get horny and shag some girl? I truthfully would not give a fuck!

It can never be one rule for one and a double standard for the other. I need my freedom like the air I breathe. And I totally respect his right to his. Why wouldn’t he come back? He always freakin’ does! Because he makes me happy, and vice versa.


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