When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Jealousy

Yep, he’s jealous. More than just possessive, jealous. He is horribly aware that I have things he doesn’t and never can.

Was never drawn to relationships with violent men. Nothing’s changed.

Solly was never violent to me before, only somewhat threatening and intimidating on occasion.

But on Friday night he launched into a prolonged, savage and totally unprovoked attack on my person. Specifically my face. He knew he could never possess its beauty, would have to share it with the rest of the world and with me. Could never have it for himself. So he did his best to eradicate it.

The attack went on for about an hour and a half. There was nothing whatsoever I could do. Obviously I tried to shield myself from blows, obviously there was no way to truly defend myself. He has superior force. I didn’t require educating about that fact. I doubt I learned anything from the experience except just how badly he feels.

And as his ‘wifey’ I am supposed to be responsible for his happiness. It is my job to make him happy. If he isn’t, my fault. If the criminal justice system still wants to pursue him, likewise. Clearly I am not alone in being sceptical about free will. We are all slaves. The difference in our quality of life depends on what we choose to enslave ourselves to.

But he abnegates responsibility. He is more of a slave than I.

Well, my home became a crime scene later that night. I was taken by the police to hospital. Everyone was uniformly wonderful to me. Forensic evidence photographs were taken. Douglas the lodger became the absolute hero of the hour, managing to track down Solly and turn him in to the police, which required guile and the good knowledge of Solly that he has.

Of course I don’t want him locked up. Lock him up, you’re essentially locking me up too. I conveyed this to the police in no uncertain terms. He is a danger only to me and I am prepared to take that risk, do NOT attempt to protect me or know better than me what is ‘right’ or ‘in our best interests’. Offer him help yes by all means. Prison to him is like a holiday with friends, no deterrent, hurts me worse and a waste of everyone’s time.

Well my instinct/intuition is that he will be bailed if he has not been already. He will probably have to appear in court at a later date. Probably the Crown Court as this IS actually grievous bodily harm. Lucky for him he has a good lawyer. Me. We will get him off.

In the meantime yeah I miss him, I always do but clearly he needs a bit of time out. He cannot face me right now. Has to face himself first, and truly I would hate to be him. Never have envied him in any way. He is worth precisely one-third of what I am, arguably less but to be generous, we will say one third. That is all he can ever be worth because leopards do not change their spots.

As for me, well I feel as if I were recovering from a face transplant operation. My whole face is numb and at the same time, it’s sore and burns. Clearly I look an absolute fright. He was totally wrong though to think that it would make me stay home. I went out shopping yesterday and for lunch out, totally unabashed by my Halloween-like appearance. No one really stared. They all know me.

I have currently one male friend who is like a brother, one female friend who is like a friend (lol), and Douglas. Between the three of them I am watched over to a degree. By the time he does get the courage to return here he will know beyond all doubt that he has NOT succeeded in isolating me and never can. I am the least vulnerable and most highly protected target he could possibly have picked on.

He is the vulnerable one. And as so many of us are, he is his own worst enemy.

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Comments on: "Jealousy" (2)

  1. I don’t even know where to start with this one.

    I just typed a long reply, but ended up junking it because I found I didn’t actually know what I wanted to say about this brutality. Brings up too many conflicting thoughts and hits some raw nerves.

    I admire your candour and honesty going public about this and that’s about the only concrete and positive thing I can say so that’s where I’ll leave it.

  2. I know it must have been hard and shocking to read Baz. I almost feel I should apologise for even sharing! And of course, around the same time this occurred my blog became mysteriously difficult to access.

    Well it feels like history now. My face is almost totally healed. All you can see are shadows under the eyes which were both blackened and one swollen and closed. It was much better a week in with the help of arnica cream and tablets and aloe vera gel.

    Like I say, I’ve never gone for violent men. I guess my life is just too relentlessly colourful for my own good.

    He’s got the wind up now about possibly being sent to prison. I take considerable comfort from the fact that he actually doesn’t want to. I’ve told the police I don’t want any legal proceedings or require their protection. Remains to be seen whether the law will force a woman to be separated from the person she loves (AGAIN) because she committed the crime to be a recipient of his violence.

    He has plenty of company in prison. I have none out here. Make no mistake about who would be truly being punished.

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