When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Here We Go Again

Am I a masochist? Absolutely not. Am I drawn to violent men? No, they are in no way attractive. ‘Men’ who gratuitously hit and bully women are pretty much pondlife.

I’m making no excuses for this situation. Just recording it, venting a little maybe and trying to get a perspective. After all there’s pretty much no one else I can tell (I have one friend, Maurice, who knows, and refrains from trying to control me or the situation, he’s too wise for that).

I have no choice it seems but to be a human punching-bag for a person who totally lacks the strength and inner resources to handle his demons alone.

Take yesterday. The previous day I had made it clear I didn’t want to see him and had nothing to say to him. Then yesterday he called, I allowed a short silence and simply replaced the receiver. I literally locked myself in my bedroom. There was NO ONE I wanted to see. I vapourised essential oils in the room and cleaned and tidied it, organising the toiletries and other items.

This was partly driven by a feeling of ‘enough is enough’, because I am broke financially and live with two pisstaking freeloaders, one of whom recently lost his job and is too dumb to have amassed any savings whatsoever, despite being the same age as me etc. I wanted to save money by not going out at all and avoiding Solly.

Hmm well Solly nonetheless arrives and goes on the internet, for several hours I remain happily and calmly in my room, sorting through old photographs and letters, reading my beloved books and listening to Chill on the digital radio.

I go and fetch my dinner which I prepared early on and take it to my room at about 4 pm. At which point he comes upstairs and starts demanding his clothes through the door. This is a tried and tested ruse of his – it’s NEVER about the clothes, it’s ALWAYS about trying to control me. He kicks the locked door open, breaking the lock in the process.

Remember I have started to eat my dinner, but don’t get very far. He cannot accept let alone respect the fact that I just want to be alone. I guess he can’t relate at all, since he can’t tolerate his own company for very long it seems.

God, ‘Satan’ is UNBELIEVABLY boring and predictable. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Same old same old. Never seems to be enough, it can’t get enough of hearing itself go through the same old motions and the excruciating sense of deja vu for me can only be imagined.

He lies down on the bed, I experience the whole thing as a violation and an intrusion, something entirely alien has entered my sacred space (and don’t imagine for one moment that he is not fully cognizant of this). Anger, tension, fear swell up from inside my body, my heart begins to pound and I’m sweating. In the confrontation he begins to physically attack me again. I am still chewing on lettuce at this point, and spit bits of it out while screaming at him to leave.

Somehow we end up downstairs. At one point he issues a slap to the face but I honestly can’t remember everything. I grab the phone and call 999. They already know the address, I confirm that it’s correct and then tell the policeman to piss off for telling me to ‘calm down’. I replace the receiver.

Solly leaves, having got right in my face to run his gums about how he will ‘tell his brother’ and I will ‘see what happens’. I am way too outraged to be intimidated, and mock him even as I’m defending myself from the sofa. Is there anywhere or has there ever been something as pitiful and ridiculous as this performance? He’s come to launch yet another totally unprovoked attack, then wants to make like I’m the bad guy? What freaking brother? His own brother hates him and he knows I know that. It’s utterly absurd.

So ‘Satan’ is so terrible, so clever, so powerful, is it? How can you even be scared of something so unbelievably dumb, desperate, ugly and pitiful?

The police show up and ask if they should come in, I tell them (red in the face and sweating visibly) that I can’t bring myself to care one way or the other. I don’t tell them who it is but get the impression they know only too well. They eventually leave, they don’t come in, I hear sirens as they depart.

OK, we have one unhealthily obsessive, alcoholic and mentally unstable guy, periodically possessed by ‘Satan’ and a total expert in sly passive aggressive attack (in other words, he is skilled in ‘pushing my buttons’ or at least trying to). One woman who just wants a quiet peaceful life and has learned how damn unpleasant it is to be around him when the demon surfaces. I didn’t lock him out of the house because there’s Just. No. Point. ‘Satan’ is no respecter of locks!

There is fuck all I can do, honestly. He is running scared from his own self, in fear for his life and feels I am the only one who can save him, yet he has NO CLUE how to behave himself around me. He talks of ‘love’ but has NO CLUE what it means. This scenario has got to be familiar to peeps who have ever taken an interest in obsessive relationships/stalkers/spurned ex-lovers who end up murdering the object of their passion.

But by the same token I fail to react with any genuine fear because I know exactly what I am dealing with and have no fear of death whatsoever. I simply ensure I do nothing to provoke an escalation of the attack so I don’t have to blame myself later.

Well, no bones broken but my right leg is very painful to walk on. Not much in the way of bruising this time.

I can’t take ANYTHING seriously anymore. And what’s the point in leaving the house? I prefer to be alone with my books and thoughts. I’m in no way lonely. I really want both of these guys to just move out at this point. Douglas losing his job and having no money to pay the rent is one pisstake too far (not to mention small thefts of my food). I’ve told him not to talk to me and I just ignore him and make like he isn’t there.

My son is a tower of strength to me. He is the only person who loves and understands me well enough to act as some kind of counsellor. We don’t actually speak, we don’t need to. I write him emails as and when I feel moved to. I have his pictures, and look at them for solace, because there’s so much understanding in his eyes.

I’m my own husband now. I have to be. My inner man loves my inner woman, honestly it’s enough. I’m at peace.




Comments on: "Here We Go Again" (2)

  1. Oh no, not again. I do keep reading this blog and trying to understand your logic and rationalisations, some of which makes sense, and some of it baffles and eludes me. Reading graphic desciptions like the above makes me feel angry. OK, you have your way of dealing with and putting up with this nonsense. We’ve never actually met but this affects, disturbs and angers me on various levels which are – to be honest – hitting raw nerves within myself, regarding my own pathetic life and situation where I’m edging closer to ending it all mainly out of terminal boredom.

    I’m going through the dating site claptrap for the nth time in many years and try as hard as I might, I’m getting nowhere. I’m crushingly lonely and fed up being permanently single and alone. We know the advantages and disadvantages but it’s getting to the point where I’ve overdosed on loneliness and it’s reaching breaking point.

    The point I think I’m trying to make is this – I have never EVER hit a woman in my life. It’s beyond me. I’ve never been violent to fellow human beings, only in self defence where even then, I have no muscles or power so I get pulverised anyway. I just wonder what the feck I’m doing wrong. It seems that thugs can and do end up in relationships yet here I am, a kind, quiet, giving and good bloke, feeling like a complete retard and outcast unable to get a partner reading about ladies being bashed about by cowards… and accepting it?!?! Do you not think you deserve better than this? Your attempts to explain and rationalise why you’ve endured this, pointing out that he’s more the victim and not you just feels bewildering, especially now after it’s happened again. Thing is, once a bully, and you let them get away with it once, they’ll do it forevermore… and that goes for physical and psychological abuse. I know love is “strange” but in my books, violence and terror does NOT come into the equation.

    Ultimately, I concur and admit, this situation is nothing to do with me and my words probably count for nothing as I’m just venting some random opinions and I’m not sure how to conclude them or what else to say…

  2. Thanks for this Baz, and thanks for continuing to read me. That you don’t understand all you read is entirely understandable and normal. The situation is complex. I also ‘get’ that you find what you read triggering of uncomfortable feelings. Hey mate, it’s not for nothing that this blog has so few readers! Honesty is not popular and the truth can be painful. That’s why I seriously rate you for even having the bottle to hang in there with me and even comment. It’s more than anyone else has.

    Wait though, what anywhere in what I have written leads you to suppose that I ‘accept’ this behaviour from him? The reason I have been ignoring his phone calls and the reason I locked myself in my room is because I absolutely, categorically don’t…

    The bit where we are sure to part company I imagine is where I discuss ‘Satan’ and demons generally. I have even plainly stated on occasion that I am an exorcist and always have been, long before I was even aware of it. I bring people’s demons out. I can’t quite recall if you were around during the Equals fiasco in my ‘annus horribilis’ 2010. I don’t think so but you may have at least seen references. That year trumped even 2004, when I was fighting to get my son back from foster care and eventually failed.

    The emotional and mental pain that caused me was off the charts Baz. Waaay worse than some pathetic little thug giving me a slap. I am no longer ‘mentally ill’ whatsoever. I no longer take pills or substances of any kind, no longer require counselling or therapy. I am calm, lucid, grounded on Planet Earth and completely ‘present’ to the moment.

    I’m pissed that you are still lonely and getting nowhere with any woman though. What can I say? I’m celibate too but in my case I have NO DESIRE to ‘date’ or even look at guys. I’m just ‘too experienced’ – there’s a great track by Ms Dynamite by that title by the way, worth a listen, or maybe I’ll just post it.

    It is what it is though. I’m not going to offer any facile ‘advice’. But please for once and for all free yourself of any resentment you have towards violent ‘thugs’ and ‘bad boys’ who seem successful with girls. You are tormenting yourself with a chimera right there. No woman of the sort you would want will settle for one of these idiots, so it’s not as if you’re in competition with ‘bad boys’ is it? Solly is totally UNsuccessful with me, that’s what’s pissing him off right now.

    As I’ve tried to explain he is possessed by the big one, Satan itself. Only when and if he can free himself will I want to be around him again.

    As you don’t appear to believe demons exist you regard the violence as a personality trait which will always be a part of his psychological ‘package’. This is where I part company with you. I have seen demons cast out of peeps before but the peeps themselves have to render themselves willing participants in the exorcism first. It’s a ‘God helps those who help themselves’ scenario.

    So please don’t torment yourself over a delusional belief Baz. I hope you’re not offended by me calling it that, it’s not as if ALL of us are not delusional at some time or another, but I tell you that to try and ease your mind, not to put you down.

    Also, know that you always have a sounding board here with me, or by email and I’m rooting for you to find someone worthy enough to be a partner in the truest sense.

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