When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Archive for June, 2017

Quick Update

Well. Eight days ago S came here and broke. Literally broke. My windows.

I’ve deliberately kept them boarded up so far because I actually feel safer that way (no one can see in and he can’t break them again!) But I haven’t had any trouble since…he was arrested and charged, remanded and appeared in court but they let him go. I have to give a statement and appear as a witness. Unless at some point I decide to withdraw. Unsure as yet and gonna play it by ear.

Just relieved he’s off the scene and peace reigns in my manor once more.

And after coming down off my ‘fifth dimension high’ I’ve felt a bit low off and on but it doesn’t seem to last. Maybe half a day and then it lifts. Which is great. I can’t even say how great that is. Nothing short of a miracle.

I’m currently reading up a LOT online on spiritual awakenings and their connection with bipolar as well as YouTube vids on ‘Living in the Fifth Dimension’, ‘Ascension’ and similar topics. They give me a lot of cause to feel hopeful about the future…because I have to say my own altered states have DEFINITELY reflected this lift/upgrade in the planetary consciousness which those in the know say is going on.

But yeah I’ve been taking it easy, haven’t really had the energy for much exertion either in pursuit of a social life or anything else. Just keeping the body and brain ticking over really. It’s all good though.

Excerpt From ‘Modern Awakenings’

‘As for other souls, I’m not really sure what a soul is. Only a very small part of us is ever physical, we are always mostly non-physical. And while people do have something that is often referred to as a soul, that’s also not the whole of their non-physicality. I avoid getting caught up in any idea of evolution or progress. That requires time and time is only a device for experiencing a particular kind of reality, not reality itself.

If by “people like us” you mean beings from other dimensions that come here in freedom rather than being pulled back into incarnation through the gravity of karma, yes…people like us will come here. There are all kinds of experiences that are unique to this dimension of reality, there is a dynamism here that does not exist in the tranquility of what some people call “higher” realms, but really it’s just a different density/frequency. There is no ladder to climb, and all is equal, yet different.

Imagine a person who is really wealthy: private jets and servants and total convenience and comfort. That is their daily life. Now, imagine this person putting some freeze dried food, water purification tablets, a flimsy little tent and a sleeping bag into a backpack. They are dropped off at the edge of an immense forest and they carry all their basic needs on their backs and walk all day, setting up camp at night. They are cold, they eat crappy food, they can’t take a hot bath and they are all alone. The next day they pack up and continue walking and do this all over. They do this for ten days, and they call it a vacation! Being dirty, hungry, cold, having to carry your stuff everywhere, having no one to help or encourage you, having to find your way in the wilderness, the possibility of being lost or attacked by animals…yet they look forward to this, embrace the experience with great enthusiasm.

It’s kind of like that for us. We face all kinds of discomforts, apparent danger, the feeling of being alone, having to find our way. But it is a whole different way to know yourself, and therefore to know god. If we have a mission, we fulfill it. If not, we just come to do our thing. We have nothing to gain here in terms of typical lessons, but we are nevertheless deeply enriched by our stay. And only a very small part of us is even here at any given time. Most of us is not physical. I am, for instance, still in the other dimension with my own kind. I literally sang a part of of myself into physical focus. So when I leave here, I am just removing that part of my focus from physicality. But I don’t need to go home because I am already there, and here…backpacking in the wilds of Earth. Being here does not exclude us also being there. And only a tiny fraction of us can even be here anyway…it’s too dense to hold us in totality.’

I totally relate to this. It’s very reassuring to hear someone else say these things. There’s loads of good stuff to read on this website but this passage was something that just stood out for me, so I wanted to record it here.

I have talked about being an ‘interdimensional traveller’. There are times of great bliss and a huge sense of potency, some of that quite recently, where I realised it was simply impossible to ever fully know the totality of my ‘self’. The nature of our being as a part of God is infinite and there is always more to do and know. We are creators, we’re always about the next peak, it never ends and is never complete.

Acceptance of What Is

I can never be smug. I have spent months on end in mental and emotional agony in the past. All my thoughts were of death – apparently my only redeemer. Right now? I am unwilling to conclude anything much based on how I’ve been lately. Partly it’s a superstitious fear of ‘jinxing myself’ lol.  Have I reached a point in my life where I can more effectively manage my altered states of consciousness, where I can as it were, blend them in, fuse them with the earthly reality of living alongside others in a ‘society’, and I guess, even more to the point, find some actual meaning and purpose in said states?

I could never have hoped and prayed for any outcome more fervently, for sure. Has the longed-for miracle occurred?

I can’t say. Such a miracle could only be a result of ‘grace’, not of any efforts or willpower on my part. Of course it is important to put in the effort and to have the will to change, I have always done both and will continue to, but those things simply do not have the potency on their own to effect such a renewal.

I am currently trying to make contact with an organisation called Spiritual Crisis Network UK I believe. I’m hoping to find a peer support group to attend where we can discuss the actual meaning of what we have experienced without the need to label it as an ‘illness’ etc. I’m reading John Weir Perry on the internet. It’s not the first time I’ve done these things – far from it – I just hope that what my instincts and some of my observations tell me is correct. That there is an actual groundswell of views among ‘the people’ moving away from the institutions of psychiatry and the medical model and toward a much deeper understanding of the experience of ‘madness’. If I can find a way to support this movement ‘politically’ as it were, and if I am blessed with sufficient health, energy etc, I will definitely get involved.




I’ve been sat up most of the night reading death metal lyrics. I really can’t stand the music but the apocalyptic tone of the words resonated with me just now.

Hey, anyone still reading. I’m sorry for being somewhat of a monster lately. Please bear in mind that this is a fairly safe emotional outlet for me, and I don’t tend to sugarcoat things. If I came across as dismissive, uncaring about others’ opinions, well OK that’s my learned behaviour of arrogantly following my own lights I guess, but I hope I didn’t come across disrespectful or contemptuous.

Anyway folks. Y’all were right and I was wrong – about S. He was indeed a ‘bad lot’ and I had to wash my hands of him sharpish. He’s SCARILY mentally unstable as well as an alcoholic. I was a quivering wreck when he arrived at the house unannounced today, my heart went into overdrive, and yes, it’s very far from being the first time but I don’t know, it just brought it home to me that I have a bit of post-traumatic stress from his violent behaviour, shown sporadically over a period of about a year.

I am just not used to being hated as much as he hates and resents me currently, and being at risk of actual physical violence from someone with zero self-control. And you can’t reason with someone so utterly divorced from reality or from ideas of respect or taking responsibility for one’s actions.

I’m just being vigilant and doing all I can to stay safe. Obviously, double locking the door. Getting Douglas to deal with him so I don’t have to (it’s only me he hates and resents in this house at least). He doubtless gets a small ‘buzz’ from terrorising me. What I go through is probably nothing compared to the terror he lives with internally, but since he appears masochistic and self-hating he does nothing to better himself or his situation whatsoever.

It was just a couple months into my association with S, in February 2016, that he heard that he was being required to sign on at the Immigration Office as a result of too many instances of lawbreaking, and was threatened with being deported to Somalia (a country he’s never actually lived in). He was from that time on not permitted either to sign on for benefits or to work. I guess this might have sent him gradually spiralling down, because honestly I just watched the sweet, childlike smile disappear altogether from his face during the next year and a rather grim, dark mood predominate.

And yeah, he showed more of himself to me than anyone (well, so he said) and I got a heck of a lot of crap from him. Nothing EXCUSES it, of course. His personal boundaries are obviously well fucked up too and talking about his psychological issues with him doesn’t work too well because he would obviously rather not ‘go there’. He evolved a lot of rather maladaptive coping strategies for himself instead and now…they’re just unravelling and so is he. It’s not a sustainable MO or way of life, especially with no income or legal way of getting one.

So yeah. Thanks Immigration, thanks British Government Policy. You just went and made my and a few other people’s lives less safe.

I know – I was dumb but I was also very caught up in my altered states of consciousness, and had quite the obsession with Satan and demons generally as some may have noticed, plus yeah, S. played quite a significant role in it all. It depends how things pan out whether I will be grateful to him for certain things, honestly I just hope and pray I can stay safe and that adequate time and distance away from me will calm him down.

As a rule I don’t regret my ‘mistakes’ regarding love or attachments that I form with people because I tend to learn so much from them. I was definitely in a state of ‘flow’ with my thoughts and decisions regarding him for the most part. I kind of hope the error if such it was doesn’t prove calamitous or even fatal. And S., I hope you don’t read this but if you do just know, hardly anyone reads this blog, no one who knows you and it is really very private. It’s one of my little attempts to keep what remains of my sanity.


Satan’s Just So Damned Attractive!

Haha, not.

Let me describe it (no, you can’t call it male or female).

It has no sexuality whatsoever. In the struggle to be ‘all things to all people’ the better to big itself up, it couldn’t commit to being male, female, hetero- or homosexual. It’s essentially a transgendered eunuch.

It cannot speak any word of truth yet feels the need to ‘run its gums’ endlessly, as if trying to make up for the lack of quality, by sheer quantity, of words.

It is a true ‘rebel with no cause’, extremely aggressive in the pursuit of its aims. What are its aims you ask? Simply to raise itself above the level of its own Creator, God Her/Himself.

It is a thief, appropriating God’s gifts and besmirching and degrading them thereby.

It is such a loser by nature that it frequently resorts to physical violence as literally the only recourse it thinks it has.

It is deeply miserable and grim and tortured with jealousy for those who are light, happy and can laugh.

It is an extremely poor listener because it cannot allow someone else’s reality to permeate its space. That space is just too full of its own ongoing war with itself.

It specialises in false accusations and attempts to defame others’ character. At the root of this is the intense jealousy it experiences toward those who are upright and honest.

It is very skilled in lying as you would expect – since practically every word out of its mouth is a lie or else a half-truth deliberately employed with the motive of deceiving.

It is a popularity whore and slave which will do anything to be liked/accepted by anyone – it really isn’t picky either. It’s quantity, not quality that appeals to it the most – like a dubious ‘casanova’ notching up ‘conquests’ on a bedpost.

It is utterly caught up with and thoroughly attached to either or both the past and the future and entirely incapable of ever fully enjoying the present as a result.

It is extremely fearful of so many things. Being rejected or outcast. God, or the divine in humanity. Being unmasked for what it is. Losing the big pile of ‘nothing’ that it has worked so tirelessly for.

It is tormented by insecurity, NEVER feeling ‘good enough’. It cannot accept itself or anyone else. Generosity is a foreign concept to it, the only kind of compliment it will ever give is either backhanded or has a hidden agenda.

It is masochistic and self-harming, because it is essentially a tormented soul desperately seeking any form of release.

It habitually self-neglects and is deeply self-destructive. But will turn around and tell you it ‘loves itself’.

There is no congruence whatsoever between what it thinks and feels and what it says. It therefore dismally fails to move others or elicit genuine emotional response, sympathy or empathy.

It is extremely grandiose. Well this is essentially a ‘little guy’ who thinks he can outdo the Big Guy Himself – God.

It is wholly uncreative, only seeking to appropriate or imitate the work of others to pass off as its own.

Being deeply fearful itself it devotes much energy and time to instilling at least some of the terror it feels into others and doing its best to destroy or disturb their peace of mind. This seems to afford it a little satisfaction inasmuch as it restores some sense of power and control on its part.

It is extremely proud and vain of itself and its ‘powers’. It constantly looks for affirmation of who it is in external things and people.

Satan constantly brags and boasts. It’s as if its self-esteem is inside a vessel with a large hole – thus it must continually attempt to refill it with empty nonsense about being a ‘king’ or royalty.

It is absolutely hideous to behold, wormlike with a fixed sneer, smirk or rictus grin on its face.

Last but not least it is a ‘hater’ to the core, its entire raison d’etre is hate. From hating it gains whatever ‘identity’ or ‘purpose’ it can be said to have.

I will add to this list as and when further characteristics occur to me.

Yes, Satan is a charmer and no mistake. I can’t think why I don’t wanna sell it my soul for the privilege of its company, can you?

Whatever You Say I Am

Been told I’m a man. Been told I am asexual. Been told all sorts, actually (including whore, slut, gay etc). Could you blame me for actually not giving a flying fuck what ANYONE thinks?

For the record I have NO gender confusion issues. Not even one lol.

Fact remains I’m not approachable and prefer it that way.

Satan is another matter. It’s not a ‘he’, it’s not a ‘she’. It can’t get its rocks off since it has no rocks.

Sucks to be you but don’t go projecting your gender confusion onto me, please.

They say Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. So maybe ponder before you go running your mouth about me again, huh?

I’m NOT whatever you say I am but I guess there’s only one thing worse than being talked about. And if you don’t know what it is you probably don’t belong here and need to get something approximating to an education first.


Try Me Lol