I can never be smug. I have spent months on end in mental and emotional agony in the past. All my thoughts were of death – apparently my only redeemer. Right now? I am unwilling to conclude anything much based on how I’ve been lately. Partly it’s a superstitious fear of ‘jinxing myself’ lol. Have I reached a point in my life where I can more effectively manage my altered states of consciousness, where I can as it were, blend them in, fuse them with the earthly reality of living alongside others in a ‘society’, and I guess, even more to the point, find some actual meaning and purpose in said states?
I could never have hoped and prayed for any outcome more fervently, for sure. Has the longed-for miracle occurred?
I can’t say. Such a miracle could only be a result of ‘grace’, not of any efforts or willpower on my part. Of course it is important to put in the effort and to have the will to change, I have always done both and will continue to, but those things simply do not have the potency on their own to effect such a renewal.
I am currently trying to make contact with an organisation called Spiritual Crisis Network UK I believe. I’m hoping to find a peer support group to attend where we can discuss the actual meaning of what we have experienced without the need to label it as an ‘illness’ etc. I’m reading John Weir Perry on the internet. It’s not the first time I’ve done these things – far from it – I just hope that what my instincts and some of my observations tell me is correct. That there is an actual groundswell of views among ‘the people’ moving away from the institutions of psychiatry and the medical model and toward a much deeper understanding of the experience of ‘madness’. If I can find a way to support this movement ‘politically’ as it were, and if I am blessed with sufficient health, energy etc, I will definitely get involved.