When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Archive for July, 2017

Frequency Holders

Here is an excerpt from Eckhart Tolle’s ‘The New Earth’.

“Others, after the natural expansion that comes with growing up has run its course, lead an outwardly unremarkable, seemingly more passive and relatively uneventful existence. They are more inward looking by nature, and for them the outward movement into form is minimal. They would rather return home than go out.
“Some of them find it hard to fit into this world. Some are lucky enough to find a protective niche where they can lead a relatively sheltered life, a job that provides them with a regular income or a small business of their own.
“In past ages, they would probably have been called contemplatives. There is no place for them, it seems, in our contemporary civilization. On the arising new earth, however, their role is just as vital as that of the creators, the doers, the reformers. Their function is to anchor the frequency of the new consciousness on the planet. I call them frequency-holders. They are here to generate consciousness through the activities of daily life, through their interactions as well as through ‘just being.’
“In this way, they endow the seemingly insignificant with profound meaning. Their task is to bring spacious stillness into this world by being absolutely present in whatever they do. There is consciousness and therefore quality in what they do, even the simplest task. Their purpose is to do everything in a sacred manner. As each human being is an integral part of the collective human consciousness, they affect the world much more deeply than is visible on the surface of their lives.”

And here’s the rest of the article.

THANK YOU sweetest Eckhart!

Isn’t it great to know we’re not ‘wrong’ or ‘less than’ for not being driven out into this world to create, activate and ‘do’?

As soon as I heard the word ‘contemplation’ and ‘contemplative’ way back in my 20’s it resonated with me and I found out all I could about it…but was still left with living as a part of society, and not being in any religion or monastic order.

YAY! Here’s to ‘being’ with all the fullness we can muster every day and in all we ‘do’.


Spiritual Retreat

Hello Folks. I’m easy like Sunday morning…

I’ve found a blog which is providing me with a real sense of community, not to mention hours of profitable reading and learning about this path.

In the Hindu tradition, the third part of life, after childhood and householder, is devoted to spiritual retreat and growth. My life’s hardly been typical or conventional in its trajectory, but the changes I’ve witnessed in myself can’t be ignored. I’m 55 and have blessedly few responsibilities. I have NO ENVY of those who are obligated to be caught up in the world of doings. I recognise that this opportunity has been gifted to me for a reason and I am determined to rise to the challenge.


I don’t feel needy of others. I’m an introvert by nature and love to keep things VERY simple. My last ‘episode’ demonstrated amply how much abundance and joy can be found in the simplest things. I’ve had a seismic shift in how I view life. The extended contemplation of suicide and death was a phase, a useful and necessary one but I’m on to something else now.

I’m in love with my own higher self, my soul if you will. I felt a call to the contemplative life very early on (aged 20 I wanted to be a nun). My happiest and most fulfilled times have always been solitary ones. Inner peace has been my goal.

Rather than looking outside myself for fulfilment I continually recollect how much I already have, right here. The full set of five senses (not to mention six and seven). A beautiful, peaceful home that I love and appreciate to bits. No serious physical health problems or disabilities. An abiding love of books and reading. The ability to write. The thirst to learn more about myself and about this life, every day. SO MUCH to be thankful for, I’ve only scratched the surface but you probably get the picture.

My ‘bipolar’ is, legitimately, both a blessing and a curse. It has actually provided me with this opportunity after all, the bottom line is I am paid to exist and spared from having to ‘hustle’ for the next dollar. But that’s not the half of it. This blog! Bipolar. Spiritual awakenings! Bipolar. Grappling demons! Bipolar. Multidimensional travel! Bipolar. Relationship drama to reflect on and write about! Bipolar. My 21 year old son and all that came with him! Bipolar. It’s one great big learning curve and no mistake (sorry for Cliche Central).

Anyway I know this thing is not a phase and won’t go away because my passion for the spiritual life is not new. I just thought I would throw all my cards on the table – this is where I’m at, where I’ve always been at, where I always will be at. Luckily for me and for all of us on this path, the Internet was developed at just the right time, affording us the ability to connect with likeminded souls worldwide. Because otherwise it would be a lonely path indeed.

Great Outcome

I had to attend magistrate’s court yesterday to testify as a witness in the case of the broken windows.

I had dreaded it and even thought I might try to wriggle out of it at one point by dropping the charge, but talking to the ‘witness care’ guy on the phone I felt reassured to go ahead.

Arrived at the court, went through security, registered, was led upstairs to a separate suite with other witnesses in other cases. It was all quite smooth and professionally administered.

Then I was called into the lady in charge’s office and she told me the case had been ‘discontinued’ – I didn’t have to appear. A legal person would come to explain to me what was happening.

The lady (a barrister possibly, or solicitor?) came and it seems that S had pleaded guilty to the offence, plus one other (which she was not at liberty to tell me about). So therefore my attendance as a witness was not required, though I was welcome to sit in the public gallery to observe the case if I wished.

Well even though I was psyched up to attend, on balance I was pleased to be ‘let off the hook’. By pleading guilty to the offence he accepted responsibility and couldn’t turn round at a later date and say I ‘snitched’ on him or whatever. It just avoided any kind of unpleasant confrontation.

So I left the court and travelled back to my area on the bus, the lady in charge of the witness suite having promised to call me to let me know the outcome of the case.

I got the call a few hours later. He had been given a custodial sentence of 8 weeks, so yesss! A good outcome. Not only can I feel totally safe for at least four weeks. It’s a good outcome for HIM. A chance to get clean and sober in jail and have some time to think.

Not that he is in any way my responsibility (or ever was). But I’m happy about the outcome all round.


Head Over Heart

Don’t get me wrong. It’s fine to be led by your heart when it comes to pursuing your goals and dreams, finding your mission in life etc. That heart energy is probably the highest drive we have as well as the most powerful.

But sometimes our heart can lead us astray.

Today I was indulging myself in nostalgic thoughts of how close S and me were (at times) in the past. I had to get a grip of myself and ended up praying I didn’t run into him while I was out.

This is just an example of when we have to override our heart’s prompts. I’m not an addict to any substance (barring caffeine and possibly nicotine from my ecigs). But I do behave like an addict in my relationships. Codependent I guess. Intense highs, horrible lows. (That’s before you factor in the bipolar!) I remember describing S as being like crack cocaine. That’s a big red flag right there which I ignored at the time.

I’m actually GLAD he kicked me into touch at the end by behaving like a total criminal thug in a way no one could excuse or ignore. It’s so much better this way. But I know I’m not the only one who does this. I think there’s even a phrase for it. Cognitive dissonance. People who’ve got mixed up with a psychopath do it. I’m not necessarily saying he’s a full-on psychopath. But there certainly is a total dissonance between sweet nostalgic thoughts and fantasies of how it was, and the very harsh reality which I had to face in the end.  It’s so far from being the first time too! Same deal with Maurice, and I clung to his memory for AGES in the absence of anything to take its place. With Ezra it was a little more complicated, but yeah, I certainly clung to the wispy nest of gossamer fantasies I wove around HIM.

Been rereading Elizabeth Wurtzel’s memoir on addiction ‘More, Now, Again’. She feels like a kindred spirit and behaved if anything, even MORE derangedly (sorry, that’s not a word) in relationships than I do. But in 2015 she got married at 47 for the first time to her 35 year old writer boyfriend of several years. And got breast cancer a few months before the wedding. She had to have a double mastectomy. But she said breast cancer was nothing compared to some of the other shit she’d been through. Huge respect for her. She learned gratitude the hard way but she got there in the end. Hope for all of us.


Floating Downstream

Hey folks.

I’m doing pretty good. Been on the low side for the past month as you’d expect but really – nothing terrible at all. Couldn’t even say depressed. Finding a whole new world of ascension and spirituality on the Internet has made me feel so much less weird and alone. The way I see it, the bipolar path is still one of awakening essentially. And that last episode, January through to May, definitely represented progress. The fact that I didn’t get seriously depressed afterward would seem to back that up, too. I feel more hopeful and optimistic than I have in, literally, years. It’s as if the whole planet is coming more into alignment with my own journey as time goes on. So I feel as if I am swimming more downstream than up, with the tide than against it.

The sense that the stigma of mental illness is steadily being chipped away at also helps. This may be at least partly due to the fact that as more and more people awaken, more of them experience some form of mental distress – not to mention that some who don’t WANT to awaken end up ‘losing it’ too. As the song lyric went ‘we’re never gonna survive/ unless we are a little crazy’.

It’s been pretty hot here again last few days – made me feel more fatigued than normal and my energy levels have been pretty challenged generally. Most days I spend reading, internet, maybe a walk to the grocery shop or just in the park, and cook a meal from scratch. Sometimes I bake bread. I keep up some email correspondence but don’t have a Smartphone and don’t text much. Sometimes a pal will come over for a chat.

Douglas the lodger is still here, still out of a job but it’s not for the want of trying – he’s had several agency jobs that only lasted a day because they were intolerable for one reason or another – which of course I understand. So he hasn’t been able to pay rent for the last two months. In all honesty it doesn’t make that much difference, as my bills are the same regardless if he’s here or not and the rent was only a nominal amount. Still it will be nice to get that little extra when he does land a job. I’m still overdrawn but everything is paid up to date and also paid Mum back what I owed. I want to let her have some extra, given that she’s now getting no income for Jasper.

For years I considered having a housemate but was concerned that I would lose my privacy or be impossible for anyone to live with. That did not turn out to be the case. It works pretty well because we lead separate lives and don’t get over-involved or enmeshed with each other. He’s out a lot regardless of whether he’s working or not, being quite a sociable chap who likes to see friends and watch footie at the pub. He’s unfailingly friendly, cheerful, respectful and polite and not only always cleans up after himself but also does the hoovering and cleaning which I much appreciate. He in turn is very appreciative of my understanding regarding the rent etc. It’s also kind of reassuring to have another human presence in the house. I could have done much worse, given that I met him while manic and high on MDMA, at a Tottenham bus stop in the middle of the night! Nearly two years later he’s still here.

Naturally I’ve reflected about Solly since he’s been off the scene. I hope I never see or hear from him again, but at the same time I understand why I did what I did. He really was kind of a multiple personality guy. I felt close to him. He had a way of getting under your skin. He gave me a chance to feel needed and important which, yeah. Was something I needed at the time.

Now I’m happy with the amount of social interaction I have. I don’t feel needy or lonely as I sometimes have in the past. I’m not Ms Desperado anymore. Not suicidal and don’t go on suicide forums or chats anymore. That seems to have been a phase I’ve now outgrown. Some kind of a midlife crisis that lasted about three years. The worst is definitely over.


Lisa Transcendence Brown

I love this lady.

What she says and the way she is resonates deeply within me.

I had the Sunday, uh, blues? Greys? Blacks? today. Maybe not the blacks. This evening listening to her and after emailing a friend I got back in touch with my higher self and its joy, confidence, power, found myself smiling at my face in the mirror like I do…

She talks of honouring our own reality and not compromising it or being bothered what others think (since we can never have any control over that in any case, right?).

I’m probably hovering around the Fourth Dimension, where we still swing back and forth between what she calls the ‘human’ self and the ‘soul’. And yeah it appears I’m STILL not ready to let go of ‘my’ suffering!

But she too has suffered and grown and learned from that but she’s clearly ascended to something beyond suffering. Which gives me hope and permission/validation that I can do that too.

And this whole ‘ascension’ thing is not really on a timeline. It’s in every moment…which is why I can go from feeling wretched to empowered, alive and free in the space of minutes…

We’ve only got Now.