When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Floating Downstream

Hey folks.

I’m doing pretty good. Been on the low side for the past month as you’d expect but really – nothing terrible at all. Couldn’t even say depressed. Finding a whole new world of ascension and spirituality on the Internet has made me feel so much less weird and alone. The way I see it, the bipolar path is still one of awakening essentially. And that last episode, January through to May, definitely represented progress. The fact that I didn’t get seriously depressed afterward would seem to back that up, too. I feel more hopeful and optimistic than I have in, literally, years. It’s as if the whole planet is coming more into alignment with my own journey as time goes on. So I feel as if I am swimming more downstream than up, with the tide than against it.

The sense that the stigma of mental illness is steadily being chipped away at also helps. This may be at least partly due to the fact that as more and more people awaken, more of them experience some form of mental distress – not to mention that some who don’t WANT to awaken end up ‘losing it’ too. As the song lyric went ‘we’re never gonna survive/ unless we are a little crazy’.

It’s been pretty hot here again last few days – made me feel more fatigued than normal and my energy levels have been pretty challenged generally. Most days I spend reading, internet, maybe a walk to the grocery shop or just in the park, and cook a meal from scratch. Sometimes I bake bread. I keep up some email correspondence but don’t have a Smartphone and don’t text much. Sometimes a pal will come over for a chat.

Douglas the lodger is still here, still out of a job but it’s not for the want of trying – he’s had several agency jobs that only lasted a day because they were intolerable for one reason or another – which of course I understand. So he hasn’t been able to pay rent for the last two months. In all honesty it doesn’t make that much difference, as my bills are the same regardless if he’s here or not and the rent was only a nominal amount. Still it will be nice to get that little extra when he does land a job. I’m still overdrawn but everything is paid up to date and also paid Mum back what I owed. I want to let her have some extra, given that she’s now getting no income for Jasper.

For years I considered having a housemate but was concerned that I would lose my privacy or be impossible for anyone to live with. That did not turn out to be the case. It works pretty well because we lead separate lives and don’t get over-involved or enmeshed with each other. He’s out a lot regardless of whether he’s working or not, being quite a sociable chap who likes to see friends and watch footie at the pub. He’s unfailingly friendly, cheerful, respectful and polite and not only always cleans up after himself but also does the hoovering and cleaning which I much appreciate. He in turn is very appreciative of my understanding regarding the rent etc. It’s also kind of reassuring to have another human presence in the house. I could have done much worse, given that I met him while manic and high on MDMA, at a Tottenham bus stop in the middle of the night! Nearly two years later he’s still here.

Naturally I’ve reflected about Solly since he’s been off the scene. I hope I never see or hear from him again, but at the same time I understand why I did what I did. He really was kind of a multiple personality guy. I felt close to him. He had a way of getting under your skin. He gave me a chance to feel needed and important which, yeah. Was something I needed at the time.

Now I’m happy with the amount of social interaction I have. I don’t feel needy or lonely as I sometimes have in the past. I’m not Ms Desperado anymore. Not suicidal and don’t go on suicide forums or chats anymore. That seems to have been a phase I’ve now outgrown. Some kind of a midlife crisis that lasted about three years. The worst is definitely over.

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