When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Head Over Heart

Don’t get me wrong. It’s fine to be led by your heart when it comes to pursuing your goals and dreams, finding your mission in life etc. That heart energy is probably the highest drive we have as well as the most powerful.

But sometimes our heart can lead us astray.

Today I was indulging myself in nostalgic thoughts of how close S and me were (at times) in the past. I had to get a grip of myself and ended up praying I didn’t run into him while I was out.

This is just an example of when we have to override our heart’s prompts. I’m not an addict to any substance (barring caffeine and possibly nicotine from my ecigs). But I do behave like an addict in my relationships. Codependent I guess. Intense highs, horrible lows. (That’s before you factor in the bipolar!) I remember describing S as being like crack cocaine. That’s a big red flag right there which I ignored at the time.

I’m actually GLAD he kicked me into touch at the end by behaving like a total criminal thug in a way no one could excuse or ignore. It’s so much better this way. But I know I’m not the only one who does this. I think there’s even a phrase for it. Cognitive dissonance. People who’ve got mixed up with a psychopath do it. I’m not necessarily saying he’s a full-on psychopath. But there certainly is a total dissonance between sweet nostalgic thoughts and fantasies of how it was, and the very harsh reality which I had to face in the end.  It’s so far from being the first time too! Same deal with Maurice, and I clung to his memory for AGES in the absence of anything to take its place. With Ezra it was a little more complicated, but yeah, I certainly clung to the wispy nest of gossamer fantasies I wove around HIM.

Been rereading Elizabeth Wurtzel’s memoir on addiction ‘More, Now, Again’. She feels like a kindred spirit and behaved if anything, even MORE derangedly (sorry, that’s not a word) in relationships than I do. But in 2015 she got married at 47 for the first time to her 35 year old writer boyfriend of several years. And got breast cancer a few months before the wedding. She had to have a double mastectomy. But she said breast cancer was nothing compared to some of the other shit she’d been through. Huge respect for her. She learned gratitude the hard way but she got there in the end. Hope for all of us.

 

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