I was just backreading my blog and it sure does make embarrassing reading in places. But I show myself warts and all here, I let it all hang out whether in mania or depression. Less so when I hit the sweet, in between spot.
As I’ve said before it provides an invaluable record. And while I may have fewer regular readers and fewer commenters I still have some. I write it mainly for me though. I sound like an absolute asshole when I’m manic. Narcissistic in the extreme. And then there’s all the music videos, posted in the early mornings when sleep won’t come because I am manic. I could remove them all but it would take ages, and it’s as valuable a record as any because I can tell I was manic at the time instantly when I see one. It’s a certain ‘red flag’.
So how are things? Well I’m not totally out of the depression but it’s pretty mild now and mostly I feel fairly normal.
I can’t praise the Clarendon Recovery College enough. It’s been there for me these past few months when no one else was. It’s become a staple part of most of my days. There are always people that I know around. I know I can ask to talk to one of the staff if I need to even though I mostly don’t nowadays. Classes have started up again. The voluntary work there is a bit of a non starter because there just isn’t enough to do, it’s usually very quiet in the cafe.
But I don’t feel up to doing very much in any case. Sometimes I sit for long periods doing precisely nothing except possibly texting on my phone. It’s preferable to languishing in my own four walls all the time though that is still something of a comfort zone. At times it’s the only place I feel safe with the exception of the Clarendon.
I still have my text pals as I call them. One in particular I would count as a proper friend.
My finances have recovered, in fact I’m saving now. And I have to pay my carer so that is all the better. I also quite often get cabs here and there because I can’t face being out with all the people. Mild agorophobia.
Now that I’m better I’m looking at going down to visit my mum in Kent. I don’t know if I will stay there. Depends how strong I’m feeling.
I would like to have someone to cuddle. Cuddles are always good.
So why the title? Because this blog is humbling reading for me. It faces me with the reality of how I’ve been with myself and others. In AA and other 12 Step Groups the fourth step instructs us to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Well there’s one right here, I needn’t look any further. And it’s pretty comprehensive.