When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

I was just scrolling back to 2016 to see what the pattern of depression, stability and mania looked like. It seems that there were over three months of depression followed by about five or six of stability, followed by another manic high of about four months. So really, there was more stability than I had previously thought. And no mania lasting as long as that of 2015 which endured for eight months.

I hate to say this but regrettably I miss the mania. I miss how self-sufficient and strong I feel. Confident and fearless with others. But when I pause for a minute I know that stability is vastly preferable. It isn’t like being on drugs, no. But it’s when I truly feel recovered. And my finances recover. Everything recovers.

Well back to the present though. I am addicted to…texting. I know it sounds dumb, like a 13 year old girl. I know all that stuff about how real life friends are more valuable and I certainly do need more of those. I’m starting from close to zero. But I had a very special chat today that was better than therapy for letting me talk about the nature of my psychosis. The guy was so interested it really drew me out. He asked all the right probing questions.

I felt such relief from the appalling self-blame and rumination on the ruins of my life. That I just couldn’t seem to free myself from, I was caught in the net, helpless as a fish. I thought it might be temporary and dependent on access to my phone and it might be. I don’t know yet. But I like to think I am preparing to come out of this depressive phase.

I was due to visit my one close friend (yes, it’s come to that, sadly) today and had been absolutely dreading this long Bank Holiday weekend. But she then had family coming unexpectedly so that was off, another acquaintance cried off my offer to go for coffee, I’ve been dropped by another who I hoped was becoming a friend. It seemed like I was being universally shunned and it hurt like Hell.

The thing is, it’s only when I’m depressed that I so crave company because to be left alone is the enemy. I am the worst company for myself imaginable. Not that I am much better for anyone else. That’s probably why I was dropped I don’t know.

I have been so desperate for company that when a message comes up from the phone company I am heartened by the sound of the text tone. I am glad to see the Pest Control worker (yes, we had a mouse problem which they failed to solve and the mouse seemed to disappear by itself). I am glad for the ring of the phone even when it turns out to be someone from India. I am grateful to talk EVEN TO AN AUTOMATED MESSAGE on the phone. THAT’S how desperate and lonely this condition leaves me folks.

And one friend (he’ll know who he is in the unlikely event he reads this) has not been back to me via email and I think it’s because he’s had it up to here with my mania and inappropriateness alternating with my needy and abject depressive phases. I also asked him for money when I was broke because of S, which was unforgivable.

Not to mention my ex Richard completely ostracising me and refusing to even speak on the phone.

That’s a lot of shunning you must admit folks. A LOOOT of shunning. No wonder I am so keen to speak to my text pals acquired from reddit. And they shut down the subreddit Sanctioned Suicide which was quite a blow for many people undoubtedly.

Well my doctor has to bear some of the responsibility for discharging me from the service on a regime of precisely no meds whatsoever. That’s akin to sending a child from a tricycle to ride a proper bike with no stabilisers and no one to hold them up. I should never have been left with no meds, that’s ridiculous. If anything I should be on a depot injection to ensure I don’t stop taking the damn things while manic ever again.

Yeah it’s lonely both at the top and the bottom folks, and I should know.

 

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