When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Archive for the ‘grief’ Category

Exploring the depths.

Hi peeps. I still don’t feel inspired to write. I plummeted right down over the course of the Bank Holiday weekend. Most of it was OK, but by the Monday I was so down, tried to be sociable and met friends for lunch but it just didn’t do a thing for my mood except possibly to make it worse.

My moods are not usually that stubborn. ‘Stuff’ has really got to me lately. Beginning with the psychotic breakdown in April. And now the break-up of my long-term relationship: the two not wholly unconnected. I’m getting older. Cumulative losses are breaking my back.

Weather has been crap to boot. What happened to the summer?

Reflection on ‘relationships and me’. No wonder I hold back from falling in love, from being vulnerable in a relationship with someone I really like. I’m devastated and distraught over the loss of someone who was very very far from ideal, and who at best was only partly committed and partly there.

My fear of people continues apace. At the same time I am desperately lonely. My self esteem is about as low as it gets, not for the first time. 

Ex called last night. It was a relief to have a civilised conversation with him. I had thought he was angry and bitter but he said no. He said he could accept that it just wasn’t working. I said I hoped we could be friends but it might take time. The difficulty I am having is that I don’t know if I can really let go. Let go of the intimacy, trust that it does not mean I will be cast into the void forever. Abandonment.

‘Mind’ is telling me I am a pariah. That I should ring a bell to announce my arrival so that no-one else need risk contamination.

I told you my self-esteem was low. The psychotic episode hit me so very hard. I had dared to hope. All of that seemed to come crashing down. Can I believe in myself, with or without episodes of madness?

At the end of it all this is depression. Just surprised I am still so down. Am I still ill? Yes, it would appear so.

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Thank you Mum, sob, sob!

I was delighted to find that The Chuckle had nominated me for this award so here it is, in all its glory. Here, also are ‘the rules’. I’m afraid though that I will have to give this a bit more thought, so let me get back to you on my nominees at a slightly later date.

1. Choose 5 blogs that you consider deserving of this award based on creativity, design, interesting material, and overall contribution to the blogger community, regardless of the language.

2. Post the name of the author and a link to his or her blog by so everyone can view it.

3. Each award-winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award.

4. The award-winner and the presenter should post the link of the“Arte y pico” blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award.

5. Please post these rules.

A quick update? Kitty (now named Merlin) has discovered the great game of hiding underneath the piles of cushions on the sofa, as we speak. He is fantastic fun, and an exemplary kitten in every way. Photos on the way!

I saw my son on Saturday. He is in long-term foster care, because I could not, in the end, cope as a single mother. Seeing him once every two months for ‘contact’ is a privilege I am thankful for but it is also terribly emotional. I had been worried that I was just too depressed to deal with it, but in the end we had a great time together, just the two of us. He was on great form, he was absolutely charming, engaging and great company from start to finish.

He gave me a really long tight hug when we said goodbye. I was beginning to cry but managed to get away before I really broke down.

Part of why I was so sad was that I had been expecting to see him again at the Looked After Child Review meeting next Monday. But apparently it is going to be held at his foster home, to which I am not allowed to come. I already missed the last one, in April, because I didn’t have the date written in my diary and no-one thought to remind me or mention it to me. It just really hurts that I am, as it were, ‘out of the loop’ in this way.

I tried to get the Reviewing Officer to change her mind today but she wasn’t having any. My son’s social worker is at fault, for not making the position clear to me when I saw him a few weeks ago. My son gets on very well with Robert, he is a genuinely nice guy. Maybe too nice to be a Children and Families social worker. As part of the job you have to do a lot of stuff that just isn’t nice, no matter what spin you put on it. I think he finds it hard to say the tough things that have to be said.

So yeah, I’ve been gutted today, but I was gutted at work and managed to do a fair bit of revision for my Learn Direct test tomorrow ( on Powerpoint Presentations). Then after I had my dinner and some kitten therapy I had an hour-long chat on the phone to my friend which did lift my mood.

Oh peeps. That’s all I can tell you for now. Sorrow looms very large in my life right now and I am often only just holding back the tide of grief enough to keep functioning.

But I am delighted to have readers, stats and comments! Very pleased with the move to WordPress…after months in the Blogger wilderness! And you are all so great. Take care all, and I will try and make my nominations for my Fab Five soon!

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Sad beyond words

Hi. I’ve had a rough week emotionally. Have been frankly weepy at times…This morning I was doing my computer course at Learn Direct and a memory suddenly surfaced a propos of ? and the tears just started to well up. I am in the full flood of grief. Grief for my lost life, for my child who could not live with me, for the warm, close and nurturing family that I (and therefore he) never had.

All, I suppose, triggered by this latest ‘loss’ of my sanity and consequent loss of the hope that I had of staying well. Oh, and the loss of my relationship, because I have kind of given up on it. And the depression is telling me I do not deserve another one.

And if that all comes across as reasonably self-pitying I can only nod, agree and apologise.

But having got that off my chest I’ve spent two days at work and staying busy and productive definitely helps. Also I have decided to adopt a kitten from the RSPCA, and the lady came round to my house last night to check me and my premises out as suitable. Apparently I will be put in touch with the foster carer of the kitten that needs a home and will go round and see it. They are ‘knee-deep’ in kittens at this time of year, she told me.

Also my friend came back from holiday. I had really missed her, and we went for lunch and then to our local outdoor ‘lido’. I did enjoy that.

And I am calling this post ‘Sad beyond words’ because what I can say here really is the tip of the iceberg. Somehow no words can properly express the feelings and in any case, I don’t want this blog to be one big introspectathon. The truth is I am hurting too much to make a lot of sense, too withdrawn to think beyond surviving this right now.