When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Haha, not.

Let me describe it (no, you can’t call it male or female).

It has no sexuality whatsoever. In the struggle to be ‘all things to all people’ the better to big itself up, it couldn’t commit to being male, female, hetero- or homosexual. It’s essentially a transgendered eunuch.

It cannot speak any word of truth yet feels the need to ‘run its gums’ endlessly, as if trying to make up for the lack of quality, by sheer quantity, of words.

It is a true ‘rebel with no cause’, extremely aggressive in the pursuit of its aims. What are its aims you ask? Simply to raise itself above the level of its own Creator, God Her/Himself.

It is a thief, appropriating God’s gifts and besmirching and degrading them thereby.

It is such a loser by nature that it frequently resorts to physical violence as literally the only recourse it thinks it has.

It is deeply miserable and grim and tortured with jealousy for those who are light, happy and can laugh.

It is an extremely poor listener because it cannot allow someone else’s reality to permeate its space. That space is just too full of its own ongoing war with itself.

It specialises in false accusations and attempts to defame others’ character. At the root of this is the intense jealousy it experiences toward those who are upright and honest.

It is very skilled in lying as you would expect – since practically every word out of its mouth is a lie or else a half-truth deliberately employed with the motive of deceiving.

It is a popularity whore and slave which will do anything to be liked/accepted by anyone – it really isn’t picky either. It’s quantity, not quality that appeals to it the most – like a dubious ‘casanova’ notching up ‘conquests’ on a bedpost.

It is utterly caught up with and thoroughly attached to either or both the past and the future and entirely incapable of ever fully enjoying the present as a result.

It is extremely fearful of so many things. Being rejected or outcast. God, or the divine in humanity. Being unmasked for what it is. Losing the big pile of ‘nothing’ that it has worked so tirelessly for.

It is tormented by insecurity, NEVER feeling ‘good enough’. It cannot accept itself or anyone else. Generosity is a foreign concept to it, the only kind of compliment it will ever give is either backhanded or has a hidden agenda.

It is masochistic and self-harming, because it is essentially a tormented soul desperately seeking any form of release.

It habitually self-neglects and is deeply self-destructive. But will turn around and tell you it ‘loves itself’.

There is no congruence whatsoever between what it thinks and feels and what it says. It therefore dismally fails to move others or elicit genuine emotional response, sympathy or empathy.

It is extremely grandiose. Well this is essentially a ‘little guy’ who thinks he can outdo the Big Guy Himself – God.

It is wholly uncreative, only seeking to appropriate or imitate the work of others to pass off as its own.

Being deeply fearful itself it devotes much energy and time to instilling at least some of the terror it feels into others and doing its best to destroy or disturb their peace of mind. This seems to afford it a little satisfaction inasmuch as it restores some sense of power and control on its part.

It is extremely proud and vain of itself and its ‘powers’. It constantly looks for affirmation of who it is in external things and people.

Satan constantly brags and boasts. It’s as if its self-esteem is inside a vessel with a large hole – thus it must continually attempt to refill it with empty nonsense about being a ‘king’ or royalty.

It is absolutely hideous to behold, wormlike with a fixed sneer, smirk or rictus grin on its face.

Last but not least it is a ‘hater’ to the core, its entire raison d’etre is hate. From hating it gains whatever ‘identity’ or ‘purpose’ it can be said to have.

I will add to this list as and when further characteristics occur to me.

Yes, Satan is a charmer and no mistake. I can’t think why I don’t wanna sell it my soul for the privilege of its company, can you?

Whatever You Say I Am

Been told I’m a man. Been told I am asexual. Been told all sorts, actually (including whore, slut, gay etc). Could you blame me for actually not giving a flying fuck what ANYONE thinks?

For the record I have NO gender confusion issues. Not even one lol.

Fact remains I’m not approachable and prefer it that way.

Satan is another matter. It’s not a ‘he’, it’s not a ‘she’. It can’t get its rocks off since it has no rocks.

Sucks to be you but don’t go projecting your gender confusion onto me, please.

They say Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. So maybe ponder before you go running your mouth about me again, huh?

I’m NOT whatever you say I am but I guess there’s only one thing worse than being talked about. And if you don’t know what it is you probably don’t belong here and need to get something approximating to an education first.

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I ask this because it has sometimes been my experience that those in the thrall of ‘demons’ secretly long for freedom and even seek exposure.

They have been seen squirming and wriggling about many times in public places or even behind a microphone, seemingly happy to be unmasked.

Many moons ago I remember having quite a deep and interesting discussion with an American Vietnam veteran friend of a friend. The point where we differed was this. I believed there was no such thing as an evil person and didn’t even really believe in evil itself. He was convinced otherwise. Even now I would never make him ‘wrong’ for that. Of course he had his reasons, and I may have looked like a young, naive, sheltered person who had never been to war, right?

A ‘force of evil’ – yes I guess it would be dumb not to accept that it exists, especially given the tagline of this blog and my extensive experience with Satan and demons generally. But a human being evil through and through? Nope, I STILL maintain that this is simply not possible.

What you sometimes get are ‘dead souls’, those who have died spiritually and are really shambling zombies. Salman Abedi the Manchester bomber strikes me as one of those…look at his eyes. There’s no light in them. These do not contradict my viewpoint as they are no longer human in any recognisable sense. They can’t even be said to be ‘bad’ though. They are without moral compass of ANY kind and only exist as some kind of instrument for more powerful forces.

Solly is a case in point. I’ve posted multiple times on his Facebook page, utterly humiliating him with music videos and barbed comments to his dumb posts. He still doesn’t block me (or whatever the fuck you do on Facebook)? He comes running back here at every available opportunity? Phoning me up and just can’t keep away?

He’s confessed to being a masochist! I’ve likened him many times to a self-harming teenage girl. Coming here to try and beat the crap out of me inevitably only worsens his own position after all. Karma bites back pretty swiftly in his case. Round and round we’ve been going, it’s over a year and a half now and honestly on one level I don’t know where the time’s gone. On another, it seems an eternity. This is NOT a ‘relationship’ of any kind! It’s a cosmic battle to the death.

The conclusion is already foregone. ‘Satan’ has no authority over anyone, it is the antithesis of a creative spirit. Yes it has its own ‘power’, strong enough to create fear for sure because creating fear is what it majors in.

The way I see it? Solly is crying out, HOWLING for deliverance. I appear to be the only person in his life who even ‘gets’ the magnitude of what he’s dealing with, so no surprise he’s obsessed with me and can’t leave me alone.

Surely every living human soul (not counting the zombies) craves freedom, light and love? I have told him he is a one-man battleground. And this is why I have so often reached out to him in compassion even after he has transgressed, because honestly? I’ve been there. He’s not a ‘normal’ human being anymore than I am. I wrestled my inner demons all my life, the only difference is, I didn’t have the luxury of any kind of human guide or exorcist.

Deep down he must know that there is a life out there waiting for him if he can only free himself once and for all.

 

Incubus

This appears to be the male equivalent of ‘succubus’. It’s allegedly a demon which has sex with sleeping women and can even get them pregnant.

Be that as it may I feel as if I am in the process of removing myself as a source of supply to my incubus.

Naturally it isn’t happy. It’s a parasite after all. It depends on me for everything, for life itself. It gives nothing back except grief. It’s been seen around looking rather dejected (Ariana Grande anyone?) Subdued would be an apposite word. Realising with a sinking heart that there’s no such thing as a free lunch, right?

I’m taking back what’s mine, was mine all along, and keeping it that way. Please no ‘sucks to be you’ jokes lol.

Upstairs on my bed just now I pondered how just over a year ago a bunch of government officials alias police and psychiatrist came here to unlawfully kidnap me to a mental ward where I was forcefed potentially dangerous and addictive drugs and kept on lockdown for six weeks. Technically they could do the same thing again. There would be NOTHING I could do about it because there is literally no reasoning with what I previously called the long arm of the violent psychiatric state, or words to that effect. The decision was made long before coming to ‘assess’ me, that was a mere bureaucratic formality. I knew my fate was sealed  as soon as they arrived at the house.

Now when random mental health professionals or police call my home I don’t indulge them. I explain nothing, I repel all the attempts to ‘understand’. Because if they decide to take me they decide to take me at the end of the day. There was never any genuine reason for it except that for some reason I constituted a threat to society just by being myself.

Is this ALL not the activity of the incubus/succubus, essentially? The Great Parasite? ‘Satan’ itself?

I feel my life’s purpose is complete and I’m now marking time. Never have I felt so complete, so entire in myself, so utterly without emotional need of others. Never have I felt so satisfied, nay so RICH! with such small and simple things around me. People are merely instrumental to me now – there to provide a service, otherwise they have no value. The only exception is my son – he is literally the only human being in this world who has given me ANYTHING in any real sense.

Reflecting on my life with the aid of a few books I notice I never had the desire to emulate anyone. Never truly could look up to anyone. Never had a role model. I might try to but when they inevitably failed me (or worse) I would be forced back on my own resources.

I guess this is why Solly and I are such worlds apart now, because he’s the original ‘boy in the bubble’ who never lived for himself alone and always enjoyed divine protection of some sort. His very identity was caught up with mine from birth and derived from attempting to ‘channel’ me in a way that was found acceptable to the common man or woman. (As I already detailed in this post, unedited unexpurgated ‘me’ was obviously NOT). What will he do now my independent emotions and life force are no longer available for him to feed off?

Truthfully I don’t know what will become of either of us. We’re both adrift on a vast ocean but for totally different reasons and I currently appear much happier about it than he does, even  if the ‘happiness’ consists largely of not having to continue bashing my head against the wall. Is there just too much baggage between us (extending back  at least one lifetime that we know about) to ever reconcile?

He’s attached by nature, to me principally, but also to his own past, to his delusions and addictions, he’s like a fly caught in some treacle right now and dismayed to find he has no way to approach me anymore.

Me? I’m like the little white cloud in the AA Milne poem from Winnie The Pooh. No one can grasp me, no one can ever own me.

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