When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Posts tagged ‘friendship’

…and Friendship with Kittens…

Regarding kitties…thank you La, they are fine. Merlin the kitten is now about seven months old and is a fine physical specimen. He is also a good laugh. When I wake in the morning, around 7.30, he is there, sitting always bolt upright on the corner of the foot of my bed, to greet me. It’s a happy thing to have a soft, warm kitten to stroke and cuddle first thing in the morning.

The situation with my friend that I described in the last post is no longer playing on my mind. I managed to have a talk with her. It was quite possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say to anyone. I felt I was risking losing her friendship or alienating both of them for good. Sadly it would not have been the first time a friendship had gone down as a result of me speaking my mind.

But all that said I did feel it was something I had to do. And she took it incredibly well. Not, of course, that she was pleased and happy to hear my words of wisdom! More like shocked, upset and angry…which was entirely natural. But she said she would go away and think about it. In a way I must admit I almost did want to shock her, so as to shake her into waking up to what was happening. But I knew I was testing the friendship by saying this stuff, and it was excruciatingly hard for me to take that risk.

Anyway I saw her again yesterday and she was quite normal with me. Which was a huge relief.

Blogging from work. Not a very busy day in the office. OA this evening. Lots of love…Zoe.

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A Little Bit of Soap…

Hi gang. Good to be back. There’s a nice, upbeat-possibly-teetering-on-the-verge-of-hypomanic opening. Hope I won’t be (as has happened in the past) looking back over this entry at any point, cringing with self-loathing, embarrassment and abject shame.

I do feel, this morning, almost a little too good. Luckily I am at work, which conspires to bring me down to earth, reminding me of my lowly position in life, as I (wo)man the reception desk and generally perform the tasks of chief file-maker, tea maker and errand-runner! I recommend it to all those with a tendency to grandiosity!

You will have noticed I’ve been away quite a while. Well haha, maybe you’ll have noticed. There I go again with my delusions of self-importance! Well perhaps it’s as well to take a break when you just don’t feel inspired to write. After all I do this for fun, not to prove anything or to achieve literary immortality. At least that way you can come back to things fresh and possibly with something to say as opposed to trying to force it. And it then turning into one more chore to cross off the list. Being a bit of a ‘listy’ person I have to watch this tendency.

Things continue swimmingly in my life. However I woke up a bit early for comfort this morning. Hence having to watch and monitor the mood. Boring isn’t it?

Have to say I had quite a bit on my tiny mind this morning. I am seriously concerned about a friend. She has got herself into a relationship which, to me, shows all the signs of being classically co-dependent. With a self-confessedly co-dependent man. I don’t believe that anyone in the know considers that co-dependency is any less of a damaging addiction than drugs, alcohol, gambling, eating disorders or any other compulsion. There is a fellowship just for that, Co-Dependents Anonymous, CoDa for short. Neither of them is showing any desire or inclination to attend it. Which might be no big deal, except they are both recovering addicts and supposedly practising the Twelve Steps.

I am obviously in quite a tricky position. I see this relationship draining the life out of my friend instead of enhancing it. I can’t sit by and watch that happen. I know her well enough and am around her more than some of her other friends. I also know her partner fairly well. I have to play it carefully. Exercise all my not-inconsiderable powers of diplomacy. Find the right time and the right place to talk to her about this. My friend would and has done the same for me. She was the one, not my partner, who spotted that I was manic and took me to hospital last time.

Anyone ever had to ‘blow the whistle’ or confront a friend about what you perceive as self-destructive behaviour? Difficult isn’t it? Would be glad to hear any of your experiences, if so.

To change the topic, my partner, my Mum and I drove down to see my son and take him out for the afternoon on Saturday. It was wonderful to see him, he was smiley and good-humoured (though as usual his attention span was not of the stretchiest) and let me cuddle him lots and hold his hand. We took him to Duxford Air Museum. It was a lovely, close, family contact despite the unpleasant weather. And my Mum stayed in my house for two nights, said she felt ‘cossetted’ and at the end thanked me for being ‘so caring’. I was very touched by that. The truth is, it wasn’t difficult for me at all this time. Mainly because I wasn’t depressed and stressed to the nines.

Also it says a lot about my Mum. She can recognise when I DO get something right and praise me accordingly. She is ready and willing to move on from the bad times we have had in the past and not to just assume that they have to be endlessly repeated. As am I.

Lots of love peeps. Everything in the Garden of Zoe is coming up roses, even in November!

Arabic, friends and more kitten talk!

Hi peeps. I’ve been a much happier bunny all round this last week. Life has got its taste back. I have recovered my enthusiasm and excitement about things that I want to do and so forth. Last night I started a course in Beginners’ Arabic, which believe it or not is something I’ve been thinking about doing for a while but had thought that it would be too much, the way I was feeling. As my mood was so much better I thought I would try and join, two weeks late notwithstanding. The very nice Somalian/Yemeni teacher was understanding and helpful though and has offered to tutor me up to the others’ level on Saturday mornings. Part of me thinks I’m a little mad to take it on, but provided my mental and physical health holds I should be OK. I have good language learning ability. And I really just wanted to do something that’s both fun and challenging.

Other good things are unfolding in my life. My new friend who lives nearby. We’ve been getting on really well so far. I hesitate to say much about it. I don’t want this friendship to go the way of some others that seemed to start promisingly but kind of fizzled out for one reason and another. I have a tendency to get very enthusiastic at the outset of a friendship (or project) but don’t always have the long-term staying power to see it through. I will say this though. If you asked me to name one thing that I feel would most improve the quality of my life I would probably say ‘more and closer friendships’. It’s one of the regrets of my life that I haven’t been a better and more loyal friend whether through my own faults and flaws or because of circumstances (such as the illness) beyond my control.

Then there is the delight of Merlin the kitten and Amber the older cat. Merlin gave Richard and me a turn on Saturday when he disappeared completely for several hours. We hunted everywhere, combed the neighbourhood and the back alleys, calling and calling. It was getting dark and I had more or less given up hope when I was standing in the kitchen and I saw to my great relief his little black front end coming through the cat flap. The prodigal kitten had returned!

I kept him in for a while after that. Now he is allowed out again, on good behaviour, with a collar with a bell on it on which I have written all our details. He is also microchipped naturally. He so loves to be outdoors and usually I have to say he is sensible though adventurous. Of course he’s neutered too. And I have noticed in the last few days he seems to be bonding with me more. He’s affectionate, likes attention, and sleeps on my bed, where before he shared Amber’s. Basically I adore him. I realised that when he disappeared. I would have been devastated if he had been lost. How fragile our happiness is!

Look how big I am now!

Look how big I am now!

What’s more we had some beautiful idyllic days of Indian summer sunshine. After the damp squib that was August it was most welcome and, nicely for the workers amongst us, it came over the last two weekends.

Take care dear peeps. Love, Zoe.