Hi. I’ve had a rough week emotionally. Have been frankly weepy at times…This morning I was doing my computer course at Learn Direct and a memory suddenly surfaced a propos of ? and the tears just started to well up. I am in the full flood of grief. Grief for my lost life, for my child who could not live with me, for the warm, close and nurturing family that I (and therefore he) never had.
All, I suppose, triggered by this latest ‘loss’ of my sanity and consequent loss of the hope that I had of staying well. Oh, and the loss of my relationship, because I have kind of given up on it. And the depression is telling me I do not deserve another one.
And if that all comes across as reasonably self-pitying I can only nod, agree and apologise.
But having got that off my chest I’ve spent two days at work and staying busy and productive definitely helps. Also I have decided to adopt a kitten from the RSPCA, and the lady came round to my house last night to check me and my premises out as suitable. Apparently I will be put in touch with the foster carer of the kitten that needs a home and will go round and see it. They are ‘knee-deep’ in kittens at this time of year, she told me.
Also my friend came back from holiday. I had really missed her, and we went for lunch and then to our local outdoor ‘lido’. I did enjoy that.
And I am calling this post ‘Sad beyond words’ because what I can say here really is the tip of the iceberg. Somehow no words can properly express the feelings and in any case, I don’t want this blog to be one big introspectathon. The truth is I am hurting too much to make a lot of sense, too withdrawn to think beyond surviving this right now.