When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Great Outcome

I had to attend magistrate’s court yesterday to testify as a witness in the case of the broken windows.

I had dreaded it and even thought I might try to wriggle out of it at one point by dropping the charge, but talking to the ‘witness care’ guy on the phone I felt reassured to go ahead.

Arrived at the court, went through security, registered, was led upstairs to a separate suite with other witnesses in other cases. It was all quite smooth and professionally administered.

Then I was called into the lady in charge’s office and she told me the case had been ‘discontinued’ – I didn’t have to appear. A legal person would come to explain to me what was happening.

The lady (a barrister possibly, or solicitor?) came and it seems that S had pleaded guilty to the offence, plus one other (which she was not at liberty to tell me about). So therefore my attendance as a witness was not required, though I was welcome to sit in the public gallery to observe the case if I wished.

Well even though I was psyched up to attend, on balance I was pleased to be ‘let off the hook’. By pleading guilty to the offence he accepted responsibility and couldn’t turn round at a later date and say I ‘snitched’ on him or whatever. It just avoided any kind of unpleasant confrontation.

So I left the court and travelled back to my area on the bus, the lady in charge of the witness suite having promised to call me to let me know the outcome of the case.

I got the call a few hours later. He had been given a custodial sentence of 8 weeks, so yesss! A good outcome. Not only can I feel totally safe for at least four weeks. It’s a good outcome for HIM. A chance to get clean and sober in jail and have some time to think.

Not that he is in any way my responsibility (or ever was). But I’m happy about the outcome all round.

 

Head Over Heart

Don’t get me wrong. It’s fine to be led by your heart when it comes to pursuing your goals and dreams, finding your mission in life etc. That heart energy is probably the highest drive we have as well as the most powerful.

But sometimes our heart can lead us astray.

Today I was indulging myself in nostalgic thoughts of how close S and me were (at times) in the past. I had to get a grip of myself and ended up praying I didn’t run into him while I was out.

This is just an example of when we have to override our heart’s prompts. I’m not an addict to any substance (barring caffeine and possibly nicotine from my ecigs). But I do behave like an addict in my relationships. Codependent I guess. Intense highs, horrible lows. (That’s before you factor in the bipolar!) I remember describing S as being like crack cocaine. That’s a big red flag right there which I ignored at the time.

I’m actually GLAD he kicked me into touch at the end by behaving like a total criminal thug in a way no one could excuse or ignore. It’s so much better this way. But I know I’m not the only one who does this. I think there’s even a phrase for it. Cognitive dissonance. People who’ve got mixed up with a psychopath do it. I’m not necessarily saying he’s a full-on psychopath. But there certainly is a total dissonance between sweet nostalgic thoughts and fantasies of how it was, and the very harsh reality which I had to face in the end.  It’s so far from being the first time too! Same deal with Maurice, and I clung to his memory for AGES in the absence of anything to take its place. With Ezra it was a little more complicated, but yeah, I certainly clung to the wispy nest of gossamer fantasies I wove around HIM.

Been rereading Elizabeth Wurtzel’s memoir on addiction ‘More, Now, Again’. She feels like a kindred spirit and behaved if anything, even MORE derangedly (sorry, that’s not a word) in relationships than I do. But in 2015 she got married at 47 for the first time to her 35 year old writer boyfriend of several years. And got breast cancer a few months before the wedding. She had to have a double mastectomy. But she said breast cancer was nothing compared to some of the other shit she’d been through. Huge respect for her. She learned gratitude the hard way but she got there in the end. Hope for all of us.

 

Hey folks.

I’m doing pretty good. Been on the low side for the past month as you’d expect but really – nothing terrible at all. Couldn’t even say depressed. Finding a whole new world of ascension and spirituality on the Internet has made me feel so much less weird and alone. The way I see it, the bipolar path is still one of awakening essentially. And that last episode, January through to May, definitely represented progress. The fact that I didn’t get seriously depressed afterward would seem to back that up, too. I feel more hopeful and optimistic than I have in, literally, years. It’s as if the whole planet is coming more into alignment with my own journey as time goes on. So I feel as if I am swimming more downstream than up, with the tide than against it.

The sense that the stigma of mental illness is steadily being chipped away at also helps. This may be at least partly due to the fact that as more and more people awaken, more of them experience some form of mental distress – not to mention that some who don’t WANT to awaken end up ‘losing it’ too. As the song lyric went ‘we’re never gonna survive/ unless we are a little crazy’.

It’s been pretty hot here again last few days – made me feel more fatigued than normal and my energy levels have been pretty challenged generally. Most days I spend reading, internet, maybe a walk to the grocery shop or just in the park, and cook a meal from scratch. Sometimes I bake bread. I keep up some email correspondence but don’t have a Smartphone and don’t text much. Sometimes a pal will come over for a chat.

Douglas the lodger is still here, still out of a job but it’s not for the want of trying – he’s had several agency jobs that only lasted a day because they were intolerable for one reason or another – which of course I understand. So he hasn’t been able to pay rent for the last two months. In all honesty it doesn’t make that much difference, as my bills are the same regardless if he’s here or not and the rent was only a nominal amount. Still it will be nice to get that little extra when he does land a job. I’m still overdrawn but everything is paid up to date and also paid Mum back what I owed. I want to let her have some extra, given that she’s now getting no income for Jasper.

For years I considered having a housemate but was concerned that I would lose my privacy or be impossible for anyone to live with. That did not turn out to be the case. It works pretty well because we lead separate lives and don’t get over-involved or enmeshed with each other. He’s out a lot regardless of whether he’s working or not, being quite a sociable chap who likes to see friends and watch footie at the pub. He’s unfailingly friendly, cheerful, respectful and polite and not only always cleans up after himself but also does the hoovering and cleaning which I much appreciate. He in turn is very appreciative of my understanding regarding the rent etc. It’s also kind of reassuring to have another human presence in the house. I could have done much worse, given that I met him while manic and high on MDMA, at a Tottenham bus stop in the middle of the night! Nearly two years later he’s still here.

Naturally I’ve reflected about Solly since he’s been off the scene. I hope I never see or hear from him again, but at the same time I understand why I did what I did. He really was kind of a multiple personality guy. I felt close to him. He had a way of getting under your skin. He gave me a chance to feel needed and important which, yeah. Was something I needed at the time.

Now I’m happy with the amount of social interaction I have. I don’t feel needy or lonely as I sometimes have in the past. I’m not Ms Desperado anymore. Not suicidal and don’t go on suicide forums or chats anymore. That seems to have been a phase I’ve now outgrown. Some kind of a midlife crisis that lasted about three years. The worst is definitely over.

100%

I love this lady.

What she says and the way she is resonates deeply within me.

I had the Sunday, uh, blues? Greys? Blacks? today. Maybe not the blacks. This evening listening to her and after emailing a friend I got back in touch with my higher self and its joy, confidence, power, found myself smiling at my face in the mirror like I do…

She talks of honouring our own reality and not compromising it or being bothered what others think (since we can never have any control over that in any case, right?).

I’m probably hovering around the Fourth Dimension, where we still swing back and forth between what she calls the ‘human’ self and the ‘soul’. And yeah it appears I’m STILL not ready to let go of ‘my’ suffering!

But she too has suffered and grown and learned from that but she’s clearly ascended to something beyond suffering. Which gives me hope and permission/validation that I can do that too.

And this whole ‘ascension’ thing is not really on a timeline. It’s in every moment…which is why I can go from feeling wretched to empowered, alive and free in the space of minutes…

We’ve only got Now.

Wow

I thought I was there to stay but uh-uh, had to come back to the 3D shit lol. But I will say this, it’s tremendously reassuring to know that I am so far from being alone in the kind of experiences I’ve had, and that indeed it appears the WHOLE PLANET is gravitating to these higher vibrations as we speak!

Being told my experiences were a sign of illness which must be suppressed with drugs, and now discovering that more and more people are having these same ascension and awakening experiences. I was just a bit ahead of my time. And if it hadn’t been for the internet? I would not have discovered all of this stuff.

I felt I was an artist without even picking up a brush or typing words. I was a co-creator with the Divine, literally painting, colouring and designing my own world. Broadcasting my thoughts. The depth of my mind just seemed limitless and I truly knew that I would NEVER grasp the entirety of what I am. Every small detail was important from the moment I awoke until I slept again. I was creating magic with every move I made. And here it is, spelt out in a video by someone else! I’m not alone! Not crazy! I’m just – as I’ve often said – an interdimensional traveller.

I was so fully present in the Now that I literally pretty much had no short term memory unless I made a point of remembering something. I pretty much had no thoughts at all…my mind was clear and free as if a wind was blowing through my head. I felt like a robot, but in a good way. I just followed my programming to do the ‘next right thing’. Free will was non-existent as I always suspected it was in any case. Being freed of free will was the most freeing thing ever and I had a deep sense of inner peace.

I did have emotional times though as I documented in the post ‘Ye Gods, I Have Emotions’. I wept on a few occasions, something I thought I had lost the ability to do. I was fully present with whatever emotions were passing through and they always just…passed. They were cleared, the blockage removed. A night’s sleep would completely remove a sense of depression for instance.

Admittedly it’s not easy coming back down but there hasn’t been too much turbulence this time around. I’m not in the Pit by any means. Life just seems a bit grey and flat and drained of interest to some degree. Even this is normal for spiritual awakenings it seems. We HAVE to come back in order to allow the higher self to merge and integrate with the grosser, 3D body/mind.

Having been gifted with a lifestyle of regular spiritual awakenings it’s only right I have to face the challenges too. The ongoing battles of the ego! The need for my life to ‘amount’ to something. Fear of becoming too isolated. Most of it is fear-based. And fear is the ego kicking back in. ‘You’re not done with me yet!’ I worry about not being actively engaged in some kind of service to others. That never bothered me in the 5th dimension though, because everything I did for myself was for everyone else. I’ve always known that to free myself I would have to free everyone else. The distinction between self and others is all part of the illusion.

At the end of the day our biggest gift to others is to be the best we can be. We raise the planet’s vibration just by existing here and conducting light and Source. Naturally my ego will keep on goading me, that’s its job after all, it’s the ‘stick’ while the 5D experience is the carrot. It will tell me I need to get out there in the world because I probably do! Find community, people I can relate to, keep searching for those all-important connections.